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Accomplishments 5.30

30 May
  • Lead a group at 20 something’s where I came out about my mental illnesses.
  • My cholesterol is lower, even though I’ve gained weight.
  • I finally feel like we’re addressing some long over due subjects in counseling.
  • I’m working on not attending social events, that are just not me.
  • I’ve gotten 2 out of my 3 grades for the Spring semester and I am proud of them.
  • Went through the entire semester without being hospitalized.
  • I think I am becoming a better communicator.
  • I’ve been doing DBT for almost 4 months now.
  • My case manager, the therapist, and my psychiatrist all think I’m doing much better.
  • I haven’t had a med change in 7 months and will not see my psychiatrist for 6 months.
  • I’ve expanded to 2 restaurants that I will go to eat by myself at.
  • Working on reaching out for help when I need it, and recognizing when I need it.
  • I’ve been going on more walks with my sister.
  • I’m trying to not let my fear destroy relationships.

Left Out

30 May

I hate how my BPD makes me feel left out and insecure.  Even when I really wouldn’t want to be there or around certain people.  I feel sick to my stomach right now.  High school friend is at a wedding tonight along with a bunch of my other friends from high school.  I don’t know the couple that well, other than meeting them at high school friend’s events.  And I don’t even like weddings.  Of course it’s all over Facebook and high school friend is my friend on both accounts so I can’t just avoid it.

The other thing is a bunch of people from the 20 something’s are going to a bar tonight to celebrate someone’s birthday.  After last weeks experience at a bar, I realized I often feel lost and really uncomfortable there.  I’ll go if I’m with someone and they are going, but to get into my car and drive out there, no.  I’d just feel like I’d have to hang on to 20 something’s friend like a security blanket and that’s no fun for him and probably not me either.  Also, I’m kind of on the fence about who’s birthday it is and last time I went somewhere she invited me I was pretty much ignored by her all night.

I think I need to re-evaluate my friends.  But it’s so hard to find (and keep) friends with all my different mental illnesses.  My sister is at a wedding tonight too.  Lil sis, her boyfriend and dad are at the Sac mile.  I even tried to make dinner plans with the neighbor, but I guess she’s busy.  Panic setting in about 20 something’s friend leaving and being too busy during summer school… better go distract.

RESOURCE: DBT Ways to describe emotions- Sadness

30 May

Often times it is difficult to accurately articulate exactly what we are feeling.  Sometimes emotions mix or one will lead to another very quickly.  These lists are to help you identify clearer the description of sadness, prompting events, interpretations that prompt it, experiencing the emotion, expressing and acting on it as well as the after effects of it.  The bolded ones are things I really relate to.

Sadness Words:

  • Sadness
  • Agony
  • Alienation
  • Anguish
  • Crushed
  • Defeated
  • Dejection
  • Depression
  • Despair
  • Disappointment
  • Discontentment
  • Dismay
  • Displeasure
  • Distraught
  • Gloom
  • Glumness
  • Grief
  • Homesickness
  • Hopelessness
  • Hurt
  • Insecurity
  • Isolation
  • Loneliness
  • Melancholy
  • Misery
  • Neglect
  • Pity
  • Rejection
  • Sorrow
  • Suffering
  • Unhappiness
  • Woe

Prompting events for feeling sadness:

  • Things turn out badly
  • Getting what you don’t want
  • Not getting what you want and believe you need in life; thinking about what you have not gotten that you wanted or needed.
  • Not getting what you’ve worked for.
  • Things being worse than you expected
  • The death of someone you love, thinking about the deaths of people you love.
  • Losing a relationship, thinking about losses.
  • Being separated from someone you care for or value; thinking about how much you miss someone
  • Being rejected or excluded.
  • Being disapproved of or disliked; not being valued by people you care about.
  • Discovering that you are powerless or helpless.
  • Being with someone else who is sad, hurt, or in pain
  • Reading about other people’s problems or troubles in the world.

Interpretations that prompt feelings of sadness:

  • Believing that a separation from someone will last for a long time or will never end
  • Believing that you are worthless or not valuable
  • Believing that you will not get what you want or need in your life.
  • Hopeless beliefs

Experiencing the emotion of sadness:

  • Feeling tired, run-down, or low in energy
  • Feeling lethargic, listless; wanting to stay in bed all day
  • Feeling as if nothing is pleasurable anymore
  • Feeling a pain or hollowness in your chest or gut
  • Feeling empty
  • Crying, tears, whimpering
  • Feeling as if you can’t stop trying; feeling that if you ever start crying you will never be able to stop.
  • Difficulty swallowing
  • Breathlessness
  • Dizziness

Expressing and acting on sadness:

  • Frowning, not smiling
  • Eyes drooping
  • Sitting or lying around; being inactive
  • Making slow, shuffling movements
  • A slumped, drooping posture
  • Withdrawing from social contact
  • Talking a little or not at all
  • Using a low, quiet, slow, or monotonous voice
  • Saying sad things
  • Giving up and no longer trying to improve.
  • Moping, brooding, or acting moody
  • Talking to someone about sadness

After-effects of sadness:

  • Feeling irritable, touchy, or grouchy
  • Having a negative outlook; thinking only about the negative side of things
  • Blaming or criticizing yourself
  • Remembering or imagining other times you were sad or other losses.
  • Hopeless Attitude
  • Not being able to remember happy things
  • Fainting spells
  • Nightmares
  • Insomnia
  • Appetite disturbance, indigestion
  • Yearning and searching for the thing lost
  • Depersonalization, dissociative experiences, numbness, or shock
  • Anger, shame, fear, or other negative emotions

Also in this series:

Ways to describe emotions- Anger

More About Me Questions

30 May

1. What was the last clothing item that you bought?

A t-shirt at the Music Festival last Saturday night.

2. If you could stay one age forever, what age would you choose?

I don’t think I could pick one because of my memory issues and constant struggle with mental illness.

3. When you say “lol”, are you really laughing?

Most times

4. What is the most interesting thing you’ve done in the past year?

Went to Canada for the first time.

5. If you started a business, what would it be?

Non-profit childcare center for at risk kids.

6. Do your friends/family/coworkers know about your blog?

20 something’s friend has the ability to read all blogs (even password protected), high school friend and my sister are able to see blogs that I post to my Blog Facebook Page.

7. How long does it take you to write an average blog post?

It depends.  Some take minutes, the really short upset ones.  Usually about 20 minutes for an update one.  Resources take longer, between 45 mins and a hour.

8. How do you keep up with the blogs you follow?

I get daily digest e-mails.  I read a lot of blogs but comment and like rarely, I need to work on that,

9. What is your bedtime?

Ranges from 7pm-2am.  Depends if I have anything to do and what my mood is.  The better my mood or the more I have to do, the later I stay up

10. Introvert or extrovert?



11. What is your biggest wish?

Not to deal with mental illness on a daily basis, recovery, being normal or average.

12. What is the best job you ever had?

Only had one job at that was old work at the child care center and it was my favorite job.  Had to go on disability because I was not well enough to work.

13. Dog person/cat person/both/neither?

More of a dog person but I like cats too.

14. If you had $1,000 to spend any way you wanted, what would you do with it?

Spend it on scrapbook stuff, take friends out, or donate to charity.  Money has never really been an issue for me.

15. How do you “dress” your toast?

I don’t like toast, or bread very much.

16. How do you feel about snow?

I love snow as long as you don’t have to shovel it.

17. What was the worst job you ever had?


18. What song can you not stop listening to?

Centuries by Fall Out Boy

19. Love your name or hate it?

Love my name, hate the spelling.  Everyone misspells it.

20. How did you choose your blog/twitter handle?

The Blog: My first name, I write a lot about mental health but that’s not all.  The username: my initials and 17 when I made up the name and 2001 the year I graduated high school.  It’s a common user name I’ve used since high school.

Why I’m “Out” as a Person with Mental Illness

30 May

I just came “out” with my mental illness with my LGBT group. I’m not sure how it was received and my anxiety and low self esteem tell me it was pointless. But I have came out to other LGBT friends and people often ask me for advice or tell me their stories. That’s something, that’s helping.

Let's Queer Things Up!

This piece was originally published at The Body Is Not An Apology.

The image features the author, SDF, smilling at the camera. He is an androgynous white person wearing large, round glasses and a striped t-shirt.Out and proud!

Far and away, the most frequently asked question I receive as a writer with bipolar and anxiety is, “How did you get to a place where you could be this open about your struggles?”

It’s usually followed with a question like, “Aren’t you scared?”

I used to be terrified. Like many folks with a mental illness, one of the first things we’re told is to keep it to ourselves. At times, I existed in a cloud of shame that followed me around wherever I went.

But that’s just it – that’s exactly why I came out and became such a vocal advocate for my community. It’s because of that shame that I started talking about what I had been through. I was tired of feeling afraid, tired of feeling ashamed, and tired of seeing…

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