Archive | 11:13 PM

5/15/15 update

15 May

Today ended up being a pretty good day. Judging by last night I was thinking about messaging my case manager and asking for an appointment today. The reason was two fold- 1. I’ve been really struggling with empty feelings lately that lead to cutting urges or just not doing anything because it seems nothing matters. 2. I was going to read the rest of the password protected blog and wasn’t sure it’d be a good idea to open that can of worms at my next appoint which is right before a 7 day vacation where I’ll pretty much be around people all the time. That makes me wonder if I should even mention it. I’m afraid I’ll lose my nerve if I don’t do it next week. 
Today I spent most of the day working on my creative stuff. I decorated the cover of my planner I made and it will probably take at least a week to dry. Which also means a week before I can work more on the inside of it. I also did a page in my happy smash and might do a 365 one tomorrow. Here’s a pic of the cover of the journal. 


Attachment theory in relation to the 6 colors of love

15 May

Secure (Eros)


  • Ambivalent/anxious (mania)- clingy, needy, needs were not met in a timely manner 
  • Avoidant (Ludus) the parent doesn’t like me, pretend to be invisible, no need for intimacy or commitment. 

I know I don’t have a secure attachment style and I alternate between ambivalent and avoidant. Usually ambivalent until I get hurt or feel hurt and then shut down and become avoidant. Interestingly I think my parents both: didn’t meet my needs in a timely manner (or at all) and I thought they didn’t like me. I guess it’s not surprising I alternate between the two insecure forms of attachment. 

Resource: John Allen Lees 6 Colors of Love

15 May
  1. Eros- romantic love, chemistry, willing to be vulnerable. 
  2. Ludus- “players” strategic, play games, multiple dating at one time, not invested in intimacy or commitment. 
  3. Storge- storing up love, grows with time, come to care for someone deeply, intimacy and commitment. 
  4. Mania- crazy love, possessive, controlling, dependent, desperate, abandonment issues. 
  5. Pragma- planners, plug in partner here, online daters. 
  6. Agape- brotherly love, sacrificial love, divine love, difficult to maintain. 

When I look at these theories of love my relationships tend to be mania or sometimes pragma. I thought it was interesting when she said abandonment issues. I feel a lot of the feeling associated with mania love but try not to act on them. Because people generally don’t want desperate people in their lives.