Archive | 11:38 PM
14 May

I felt empty inside so I ate. Now I feel sick to my stomach, have the urge to throw up, and the voices are back. Worst part: still feel empty. All I can think of is cutting. All I can think of is me being a failure. All I can think of is how I can’t candle this. 

Not okay. 

But I will be. I always am.  And in moments like this I feel no one appreciates how much effort I put in to being as well as possible. 

I foresee a summer hospital stay. Maybe just in bed here. But at the hospital I feel a little better, there are people like me, and my efforts are recognized. 

Bad Dreams

14 May

Just had to force myself out of bed because bad dreams.  About being in and out of the hospital.  Sometimes waking up in the hospital and not knowing how I got there.  People saying I could go home and then people refusing to pick me up so I had to stay.  When it got to friends/family visiting, their stuff would disappear and I would be blamed.  I still didn’t know what happening.  There was a lot of fog and memory loss, those were the worst parts of the dream- not that I was back in and out of the hospital.