Sorta answers

13 May

I read part of that post I was debating on reading to my case manager at the appointment today.  I gave her the edited version on just about my frustration with her not wanting to deal with the voices.  She asked me when they began and I don’t really know.  I know when some were definitely there by.  I distinctly remember my first visual hallucination and first psychotic break (well when it was.)  She asked me about when I was a teenager, I don’t know.  It bothers me when I don’t know stuff like this and my horrible sense of time.  I wonder if one of the back 2s will tell me when they appeared, if I ask them?  Do I even want to engage with them, sometimes I’d rather just pretend their not there.  I also told her not to bother searching my medical records because I’m not honest most times, especially with “crazy things” like voices, at least I use to not be.  Also what I determine voices is probably very different than most people, for example if the voices aren’t really messing with me but they are still there I will check not hearing voices.

Anyways she said she didn’t want to talk to them because she thought they would just fight back harder and it would make it harder for me.  I see that as a half truth, but whatever.  I did end up disclosing the mysterious cut.  She didn’t seem to concerned and that was good.  She said some really nice things about me and how I’ve handled a lot and still have humanity.  I guess lots of people aren’t like that.  I want to do another post on theories of love, but am too lazy to type it up right now.  Today in class we talked about intimate relationship violence (aka domestic violence) and it was interesting and sort of sad.  We talked about different types of abuse: physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and spiritual.  And gave examples of what each one could be.  Lots of things were ringing a bell, even if they weren’t in a intimate relationship.  I like to downplay what has happened to me.  I don’t want pity.   And it almost seems like if I try to downplay it then it makes it less serious, which isn’t true.

4 Responses to “Sorta answers”

  1. manyofus1980 May 14, 2015 at 11:57 AM #

    its a pity she doesnt want to engage with the voices. it could really help things if she did. I’m glad she said some nice things to you. They’re all true! XX

    • mm172001 May 16, 2015 at 6:42 PM #

      I’m really torn myself with engaging with the voices. I’m afraid it may give them more power and make it more real and me more psychotic over time, having trouble distinguishing them from what’s real. What do you think?

      • manyofus1980 May 18, 2015 at 9:17 PM #

        I dont think you’ll get more psychotic Marci. Perhaps the voices do need an outlet, to be heard, maybe if they got a chance to be fully heard, and appreciated, then they may just calm down and be more ok and less of a nuisance to you. And perhaps the harsh ones will get more supportive towards you too. X

        • mm172001 May 20, 2015 at 12:01 PM #

          It’s just a fear I have and who knows what the future holds.

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