the how skills are: non-judgmentally, one mindfully, and effectively. The how skills are how you do the what skills.
Non-judgmentally is about accepting what is, as it is, because it is. In fact, everything that has gone before has conspired to create this very moment. Not only is this moment like it is, it has to be like it is because of all that’s come before. It can’t be different. Grasping and hanging on too tightly to people or things can cause suffering. So acceptance is actually a more effective first step in the process of change. Instead of saying “hey, they shouldn’t be doing that” we really need to understand and accept that in this moment they are doing that and usually for a reason that makes perfect sense to them. Then it is a matter of what we are willing or able to do about it. Because at the heart of judgment is usually fear. This fear keeps us separate from others and even ourselves. To do that we have to let go of grasping at what we want or pushing away what we don’t want. The result is that we will start connecting to split off parts of ourselves and others and dramatically decreased our suffering.
One mindfully is doing one thing at a time.
Effectively is about focusing on what works. It is about asking in the moment, “hey what is going to work here. What is going to be effective to get my long term goals?” These are such powerful questions because they shift your focus away from a lot of right/wrongness, in which people can often get stuck.