BPD Emotions everywhere. 

6 May

I think I’ve felt the whole range of human emotions today. It’s exhausting. Currently feeling empty, anxious, and like self harming. I wish I didn’t get triggered so easily. Was on the online dating site and someone propositioned me for a threesome, a straight couple. The risky/want to get hurt side is wanting to do it, even though it’ll probably go badly actually probably because it will go badly.
I don’t know how to explain the hurt I desire in intimate/sexual relationships and really only with men. It’s not so much just a physical thing but being humiliated or hurt emotionally/psychologically. I know it’s fucked up but I don’t really know where it comes from. I know my prior boy sexual relationships have been bad, maybe that contributes. Or there was something there before. Another reason people suspect abuse.

2 Responses to “BPD Emotions everywhere. ”

  1. the Prodigal Orphan May 7, 2015 at 12:13 PM #

    “No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride…and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well…maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten.” Hunter S. Thompson

    Gotta give ol’ Uncle Duke some credit for that one. It’s a mindset that has served me well through more decades than I care to admit, and he kind of nailed it.
    After a particularly depressing / disturbing / disruptive / destructive / delusional episode / day / week / time frame, I remind myself there is something to be learned from it all.
    Often a whole lot more than I would learn from a joyous dose of shits and giggles that went on twice as long.
    Problem is that so many times we’re looking for answers we start off by asking all the wrong questions.
    Maybe that’s because the right questions hurt too much.
    Or maybe that’s just me.
    But those emotions are there for a reason, and very often that reason is the rock they’ve been hiding under.

    • mm172001 May 10, 2015 at 9:53 PM #

      I know they’re there for a reason, it’s just hard when they cycle so quickly. It’s good to look for meaning, which I usually try to do but we’re all human right? Thanks for the comment.

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