Archive | 8:55 PM

BPD Emotions everywhere. 

6 May

I think I’ve felt the whole range of human emotions today. It’s exhausting. Currently feeling empty, anxious, and like self harming. I wish I didn’t get triggered so easily. Was on the online dating site and someone propositioned me for a threesome, a straight couple. The risky/want to get hurt side is wanting to do it, even though it’ll probably go badly actually probably because it will go badly.
I don’t know how to explain the hurt I desire in intimate/sexual relationships and really only with men. It’s not so much just a physical thing but being humiliated or hurt emotionally/psychologically. I know it’s fucked up but I don’t really know where it comes from. I know my prior boy sexual relationships have been bad, maybe that contributes. Or there was something there before. Another reason people suspect abuse.

Strong People

6 May

I needed to hear this.

Heathers Helpers

I know a lot of strong people.
I also know a lot of abused, discarded, neglected, traumatized, easily dissociative, and supposedly “broken” people.
More often than not? These are the same people.

I feel that I am one of those people as well. Kicked down, broken, shattered, unloved, neglected, horribly abused… just one more person amongst many unfortunate souls that shared my fate or one any bit like it.
Yet I am strong. Far stronger than anyone really knows. Myself included on many days…
I have a list of things I would like to do each day that I never allow myself to do. I’ve given up cigarettes,  alcohol, self harming, daydreaming about my suicide, planning a well executed “payback”, and so much more. I deal with voices, smells, sounds such as a girl crying/screaming, I can’t sleep half the time and the other half when I do sleep? That…

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Counseling Insights

6 May

So my case manager thinks maybe the return of the voices is so I don’t have to deal with the heartbreak of 20 something’s friend eventually moving.  It’s an interesting theory and I do sometimes have symptoms that are there solely to knock another thing to the back.  The downside of this is she doesn’t want to address the voices and wants to work with the BPD fear of abandonment.  I’m not sure I can handle it and even working with voices sounds more appealing.  Which kinda proves her theory.  Also I am really curious about these voices and what to do with them or how to manage them better, especially if they are more of parts.  Maybe I can work with the therapist on this but not sure I feel safe enough with her.  So I guess tolerating the abandonment issues will help with the voices?  We’ll see.

DBT Core Mindfulness: the How skills

6 May

the how skills are: non-judgmentally, one mindfully, and effectively. The how skills are how you do the what skills.
Non-judgmentally is about accepting what is, as it is, because it is. In fact, everything that has gone before has conspired to create this very moment. Not only is this moment like it is, it has to be like it is because of all that’s come before. It can’t be different. Grasping and hanging on too tightly to people or things can cause suffering. So acceptance is actually a more effective first step in the process of change. Instead of saying “hey, they shouldn’t be doing that” we really need to understand and accept that in this moment they are doing that and usually for a reason that makes perfect sense to them. Then it is a matter of what we are willing or able to do about it. Because at the heart of judgment is usually fear. This fear keeps us separate from others and even ourselves. To do that we have to let go of grasping at what we want or pushing away what we don’t want. The result is that we will start connecting to split off parts of ourselves and others and dramatically decreased our suffering.

One mindfully is doing one thing at a time.
Effectively is about focusing on what works. It is about asking in the moment, “hey what is going to work here. What is going to be effective to get my long term goals?”  These are such powerful questions because they shift your focus away from a lot of right/wrongness, in which people can often get stuck.

DBT Core a Mindfulness The what skills

6 May

This week in DBT we are re going over the core mindfulness skills. We always do that in between modules. Mindfulness is probably a skill I have the most challenges with. Between voiced and racing thoughts it’s hard to slow down. In addition I have real bad anxiety which has me worrying about the future rather than being in the moment. 
The What Skills are Observe, Describe, and Participate. Observing means to look at whatever is going on without editing or pushing away. 
Describing is stepping back and putting a label on the experience but not analyzing it. “When we begin to analyze we often go right back to the past or jumping into the future, and we are no longer in the present. Now, there may be sometimes when you do want to analyze. That is fine; then analyze mindfully and with choice. But when you observe yourself analyzing and it isn’t particularly useful, you can just use your describe skill and say ‘analyzing’ and leave it at that and try to return to the moment.”
Participating is choosing to be in the now. Or rather, quieting the mind enough to open to the now. Now let’s not forget that the mind is a great thing. It’s a great tool. But that’s all it is… a great tool. Unfortunately, we have trouble putting the tool down. We are like a carpenter who wants to sleep with a loaded tool belt on. It’s a bit uncomfortable but we keep doing it even though we never get any rest and complain about lack of sleep. For instance, whenever we have been really involved in something, like a hobby, or even cooking, that’s Participating. Whenever we are really engrossed in something in the present moment, that’s Participating. Whenever we see beyond our mind to the present moment, that’s Participating. See if you can look beyond your mind to become intensely interested in the present moment. To do that you have to be willing to put down your worrying, planning, or ruminating for a while.