Out on a limb

28 Apr

I’ve read two posts that sort of inspired me and made me think.  One was on Dissociative Identity Disorder and the other on Psychosis.  I’ve mentioned that I hear voices and I have divided them into 3 sets: the sides, back 1’s and back 2s.  The sides and back 1s respond to medication and are currently gonee due to the Latuda.  With the sides they have always came and gone and usually responded to a medication increase, these are the command hallucinations and the demeaning ones.  The back 1s never really responded to any anti-psychotics and they were there 24/7, they were mostly neutral or narrating so I didn’t have much problem with them other than it could be frustrating and hard to concentrate.  With the Latuda this is the first stretch I’ve gone without them, and I would be lying if I didn’t say I’ve thought about stopping the Latuda because I kind of miss them.  They also talked to me and were sometimes supportive besides talking to each other narrating and being neutral.

So on to the back 2s the most challenging and confusing of the voices.  They come and go and can also last for stretches but usually not more than a couple days.  Sometimes they’ll pop up say something for a minute or so and then disappear.  Some are quiet and some very loud, all female.  I have hypothesized that they may be dissociated or detached parts of my self.  They’ve been called parts/alters and trauma voices.  Usually only one speaks at a time but there have been screaming matches.  Sometimes warnings, commands, piece of information I don’t really understand, being mean or derogatory, playing on fears; they do a lot of different things.

I read in one of the posts (the one on DID) that her voices/parts are essentially split into two teams with very few being neutral.  I certainly have felt this way before.  I can think of a couple incidences in counseling where it just seemed like everyone was screaming and they thought whoever was the loudest would “win.”  Yeah, I got hospitalized that time but I never really told what the voices were arguing over.  It was one of my triggers and they had different opinions on where the triggers came from and what should be said about them.  Most the back 2s are very untrusting and secretive, they even keep secrets from me.   I’m afraid to go into them and afraid that I’ll be right about them and also fearful I will just be called a liar.  Maybe I’ll feel safe enough one day.  Sometimes there is info on my blog that they say.  The last couple posts on voices were the back 2s.  They know more than me for sure, they are always there watching and waiting even if not talking and it feels like an eerie presence.

The other post on psychosis in general talks about living with it and it being a part of daily life.  Missing the voices and them only not being present when highly medicated.  My voices when having major episodes seem to be getting worse and longer with time.  I’m terrified I will eventually lose it completely and go into a permanent psychosis.  They say schizophrenia is a degenerative illness and I have schizoaffective which is a combo of schizophrenia and bipolar, with a better outcome than pure schizophrenia but worse than just bipolar.

Maybe I have both, now wouldn’t that be something.  One prior therapist had hypothesized that my multiple diagnoses were because different parts had different disorders.  I’m still confused but it gives me something to think about and show other’s perspectives.

2 Responses to “Out on a limb”

  1. manyofus1980 April 29, 2015 at 8:10 AM #

    My psychiatrist and my therapist thinnk my voices are parts. We worked with them in our last session in therapy. My alters, seem different from the female voices I sometimes hear, but I was able to work with them in therapy which is good I suppose. Maybe some day you’ll be able to work with your voices too. I hope so. XX

    • mm172001 May 3, 2015 at 8:08 PM #

      Hopefully, it’s just all so confusing.

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