How things appear

18 Apr

I like to be mysterious and I need to be mysterious but I hint around at having mental health issues, and joke about being crazy and the voices.  I don’t think people really know how intense or severe my mental illness is, my sister knows and my case manager knows and 20 something’s friend knows some stuff; but mostly I try to appear normalish.  I don’t want your pity or awkward questions but I do want a little grace when my mental health causes me to act strange.

I was thinking about the other night and when the voices started back up again.  I don’t think anyone knew I was hearing voices, not even 20 something’s friend.  I started to dissociate a little (coping mechanism) and a newer person asked if I was “okay.”  I just answered fine and turned on my phone in my lap and pretended to stare at it.  When I finally had to leave group, I could barely manage good byes because I was on the verge of tears.  At this point it was obvious I was upset but I’m not sure what people really thought.  After a person ran after me and asked if I was okay and I tried to respond fine but my voice cracked from the tears, then I just said I don’t want to talk about it and left.

Even on the phone afterward with my sister who knows me pretty well.  She knew I was upset and a little bit what triggered it but don’t think she perceived voices until she read my blogs the next day.

So people wonder how do I manage to have such a severe symptom and mostly keep it hidden.  First off it’s embarrassing and frightening, so it’s not like I’ll bring it up and when I do I think people assume I’m kidding.  Plus for the most part no one can really do anything to help.   Telling me the voices are wrong gets you no where.  Trying to make rational sense gets you know where.  Getting scared just makes it worse for me.  It needs to run it’s course, at least for this set.

I didn’t get hospitalized.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to need to be because voices like that usually don’t last more than a day or less before disappearing or changing content.  The only dangerous thing the voices told me to do is cut and disappear although they alluded to suicide.

12 Responses to “How things appear”

  1. Janni Styles April 18, 2015 at 7:45 PM #

    Appearances can be so deceiving, I know. Every day at least once I just want to die. Just snap, gone! No suffering. No long drawn out ordeal. Just gone. Every day I push myself to participate in the world as if I really mean it. We have vastly different issues (my main one being trauma, shock and the resulting ptsd since 2012 due to a physical attack by my former bestie and my ex) but not so different struggles. Your mountains are higher than mine but you are not alone and I will be here for you in any way I can, Marci.

  2. Ziya Tamesis April 18, 2015 at 10:47 PM #

    I can relate to people not seeing some of my most severe symptoms, and not wanting to disclose them, either. It’s one of the worst things about mental illness, possibly worse than the symptoms themselves (in my experience). Thanks for sharing this, I hope it helps raise awareness.

  3. manyofus1980 April 19, 2015 at 2:10 PM #

    did you cut or do any kinda self injurious behaviour? if you didnt, then thats something to be proud of. also not being hospitalised is something to be proud of. its not easy hearing and dealing with voices. its good you wrote things down and kept a record of it. X

    • mm172001 April 19, 2015 at 10:26 PM #

      NO I didn’t do anything. Although I keep that a secret too, I just mean that I always try to downplay things and wonder how successful I am at it?

  4. prideinmadness April 19, 2015 at 4:00 PM #

    When we want too, hiding things can be very easy. I remember a guy that I went to university with said, “You don’t have BPD, I know people with BPD and you’re not like them.” I just smiled and said, “You don’t know me.” We do what we have to do to survive even if it means hiding.

    • mm172001 April 19, 2015 at 10:26 PM #

      Love this, well written.

      • prideinmadness April 20, 2015 at 6:14 AM #

        Why thank you!

        Hiding is so counter productive but we all do it, we were taught to do it. I know I need to hide because I would get in so much trouble if I acted how I act at home or according to the scenarios I play out in my mind. 😛

  5. coogeesimon May 20, 2015 at 2:15 PM #

    This is so how it is. I am embarrassed and ashamed of my illness.

    • mm172001 May 20, 2015 at 10:48 PM #

      I’m getting better with some people but it’s really hard.

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