This is ridiculous and exhausting.

9 Apr

I’ve heard a lot of terms with goggles in them before and recently also.  I wrote a post about depression goggles.  A friends has been talking about love goggles.  And of course we’ve all hear of beer goggles.  What about BPD goggles?

Borderline Personality Disorder changes the way you see and perceive the world.  You’re more “sensitive.”  You are constantly on the look out for real or imagined abandonment.  You see things the way you see them, maybe not how everyone else does.  With my BPD and other symptoms/disorders I have a real hard time with relationships.  Relationships with anyone and everyone, family, friends, romantic, professors, my sister’s dog.  It’s usually about whether people like me and if I’m acting “normal” enough or good enough.

Just today:

Get up feeling defeated, choice act like it or pretend everything’s okay.  It’s just mom, not going to pretend.

20 something’s friend texts me asks me how it’s going, be honest, ignore it, lie.  Be honest

What did my honestly get me?  Not a whole lot of interaction or sympathy but hey I’m use to this.

Italian test go to school or drop my class. Go to school.

At school.  Italian teacher isn’t talking to me as much as she normally does.  Is it because I missed school last week?  Is it because I only turned in part of my homework Tuesday.  Is her being on her phone her way of ignoring me?  Does she think I’m not as good of a student because I’ve been missing class so much?

During post-test (test correction.)  I’m so stupid.  Now she will sure think less of me.  I wish our original teacher was here, at least she knew I have issues so she’d probably cut me some slack.  Why do I need people to cut me slack?  I don’t want their pity.  I guess I’m just not good enough if you hold me to “normal” standard.

My sister send me text message pic of her dog and husband snuggling.  I knew he liked her and brother-in-law better.  He’d never do that with me.  Dexter liked me better.  This dog wouldn’t even miss me.

I arrive home, mom’s asleep.  Wake her up, do something on my own, go to sleep.  Go to sleep there is nothing to do, i feel like crap, no point to anything, start to cry, go to sleep.

I wake up, mom just come’s in the front door.  How long was I sleeping?  Where did she go? Why didn’t she wake me up?  Never mind it wouldn’t have mattered anyways.

Should I go to group or not.  Guilt kicks in, I go to group.

On my way out the door, text 20 something’s friend, he’s not going to group. disappointed, think about turning back and going home because no one will miss me.  Don’t want to fake happy.  What if someone asks me where I’ve been?

Get to group.  Member says something about not seeing my posts on facebook, asks if we’re friends. nervously say not sure things have been crazy friend request me but i have two accounts and one I don’t really friend anyone on.  Go up stairs and hope that was enough to end conversation.  Suddenly nervous about my recent facebook behavior, activity, and deleting it.  Don’t want to explain it. Feel stupid.  Feel childish.  Afraid I’ll get called out on it.  She doesn’t like me anyways.  Well I’m not the biggest fan of her either. Here goes the drama again.

Group goes okay, structured things not normally a problem for me.

After group, be bubbly, be fake.  Ask member if she want’s a ride home, means I’m stuck socializing.  That member isn’t in with the clique, wonder if by asking her if she want’s a ride they’ll judge me.  I don’t even want to give a ride it’s kind of out of the way but I feel bad for her.  Lots of new people at group tonight.  Got to make a good impression.  Got to get them to like me.  Got to get them to like group.  Sit with new people make conversation, act interested.  Seems to be working.  People getting up to go, it’s 10 should start heading home.

Take member home with me, awkward car conversation.  I hope she see’s me as a nice person and not one of the clique one’s.  After this month I really don’t want to be seen or perceived like that.  But do I still have to be friends with the cliquey people too?

Get home, phone dings and it’s FB notification.  From group member, reads like an obligatory message.  Don’t open it, I’ll respond in morning when I’m clearer and hopefully in a better mood.

Why must I feel like everyone must like me and hold me to a high standard.  This is ridiculous and exhausting.

5 Responses to “This is ridiculous and exhausting.”

  1. darkjasm April 10, 2015 at 2:44 AM #

    I agree that to feel like everyone must like us and always put us into a high standar are really ridiculous and exhausting. The way we perceived our self sometime makes anything worst. I hope you will find a way to express your disappointment of how this world work that will make anything more bearable. Writing is also a form of therapy, at least for me.

    • mm172001 April 11, 2015 at 11:01 AM #

      Yeah its tiring. I use blogging as a way of therapy and sorting out my thoughts.

  2. Joyce April 10, 2015 at 3:36 AM #

    Reblogged this on MAKE BPD STIGMA-FREE!.

  3. sevenyearsinadrawer September 13, 2015 at 2:41 AM #

    I loved reading this post … well, maybe the word loved is wrong. I was comforted reading this post. I can relate to all these thoughts and I find comfort in knowing that at the very least, I’m not the only one who feels this way. Maybe during those intense moments when the thoughts are so overwhelming and debilitating I can’t do anything about it, I don’t know how to do anything about it, I can still comfort myself by saying “You’re not the only one. Other people have this. Other people get through it. You can too.”
    I can understand how hard it is to share something so personal but thank you for doing it and sharing your experiences. Reading your post not only helped me have a better understanding of what people with BPD go through, but also helped me feel connection when dealing with my own mental illness.

    • mm172001 September 13, 2015 at 8:36 PM #

      Thank you. I try to blog honestly about my life in the hopes that people can relate or better understand a loved one.

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