I hate you, don’t leave me: borderlines in relationships. 

6 Apr

One of the main criteria for BPD is intense and unstable interpersonal relationships. There’s a few concepts in people with BPD that cause these intense and unstable interpersonal relationships: the fear of real or imagined abandonment, devaluing and idealizing, anger issues, and suicidal/parasuicidal behavior. 

When you are afraid you will be abandoned you usually react in one of two ways: cling super tight and try to do everything right or get angry and leave them before they can leave you. I’ve done both and neither really work. The official criteria says frantic efforts… Anyone in a frantic state is probably not thinking clearly in relationships. The harder one to understand probably is that I’ll leave you before you get a chance to leave me first. And you have to have motivation to leave that person, going back in time and thinking of all the wrongs, maybe exaggerating a little, throwing in why they are a terrible person, etc.  You essentially need to convince yourself to leave them and never look back.  And then since most people with BPD can’t tolerate being alone they try to come back regardless of the damage they may have done. 

Idealizing and devaluing people, actually the same person and sometimes only in a matter of minutes. People with BPD tend to have all or nothing thinking and when applied to a person or relationship, they are like a God or not even worth your time. Usually how the person with BPD sees the other person (idealized or devalued) depends on how they feel about them in the moment. This is how you perceive the persons behaviors or actions. A small slight like being reprimanded can cause you to go to that devaluing state and think why does it matter, their opinion doesn’t matter, who do they think they are…  On the other end if you apologize and say make dinner, they will be back to idealizing you and thinking you are the best person ever. The actions that cause the switch vary from people to people with BPD. for example I can go to devaluing really quick with my dad but it takes a while to get to idealizing. I haven’t had one person I switched back and forth so much and so easily in quite a while. 

The next one is difficulty controlling your anger. Seems simple how that could screw up relationships. 

With suicidal and parasuicidal (self harm, suicide gestures, suicide threats) behavior a lot of people won’t be in a relationship or friendship with someone like this. Sometimes people with BPD a in anger will justify their suicidal or parasuicidal behavior by saying you triggered it. Some times they will threaten it, to get their needs met. And sometimes it’s just hard to be in an interpersonal relationship with someone who struggles with suicidality frequently. 

9 Responses to “I hate you, don’t leave me: borderlines in relationships. ”

  1. Zoe April 6, 2015 at 5:46 PM #

    Very interesting post. I have a few of these under my belt.

    • mm172001 April 7, 2015 at 10:51 AM #

      Me too. Glad you liked the post.

  2. tuviavaldez April 7, 2015 at 12:23 AM #

    Reblogged this on Killing Tuvia and commented:
    Damn it, this has me written allover it.

  3. manyofus1980 April 7, 2015 at 2:19 AM #

    Very well said. I think you hit the nail on the head in this post. XX

  4. Joyce April 7, 2015 at 4:31 AM #

    Reblogged this on MAKE BPD STIGMA-FREE!.

  5. Astrid April 7, 2015 at 6:12 AM #

    I am mostly of the clingy type, though I can get angry too. Then, it usually isn’t to prevent anandonment though or as you say to leave them first before they can leave me.

    • mm172001 April 7, 2015 at 10:53 AM #

      To me that’s the only way not to get abandoned, leave them before they can leave me. I’m more often clingy though, but I’m working on that.

  6. Darque April 10, 2015 at 8:05 PM #

    Reblogged this on Darque Thoughts.

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