After stewing for at least a day

2 Apr

looking for feedback!!!

As someone with borderline personality disorder I know I’m more prone to feelings of rejection and abandonment and act in an all or nothing way. Throw in my avoidant type personality traits and the fears get larger and the willingness to interact less. 

My friends, especially related to the LGBT group, but not exclusively. Have had me wanting to run to the hills and run and hide most often and rarely attack. As I mentioned I had deleted my Facebook because of triggers and put off going to group and even thought about resigning as a facilitator. 

Some how Facebook reactivated my main account and all the events that were canceled were put back in place. I felt weary but you know how I have a sense of obligation and responsibility so I continued with a 3 day cabin trip. Now I had really fun, a blast, probably best one of the three I’ve hosted. But getting there was hell, trying to stay out of crisis residential/hospital, worrying about potential drama situations that could happen, feeling crushed each time someone told me they weren’t coming, wondering if this was all going to blow up in my face. 

I’m glad I went. But now the after effects have set in. Obviously most people who were invited were in group or have some link to it. And twice I was in situations where we were talking about drama and the clique-ness of group. While this was partly good because at least I know I’m not alone in feeling this way it’s also nerve racking because I feel like I should do something. And that bounces back to for me or for the sake of the group. And of course they are intertwined. 

I know myself and I can’t speak for others but it is extremely likely that if I stop going to group I will stop hanging out with any of them except 20 something’s friend. Part of this is because I’ll stop hosting event because I won’t know the current levels of clique-ness and drama and would feel responsible for drama at my events. #2. I think i would stop getting invited to events and judging by people’s posts on Facebook that’s already happening. If I don’t make the effort, no one else will either and I’m to the point where I can’t make that effort anymore because of stress and rejection. And lastly, I’ll stop hanging out with them because that’s how I operate with my personality disorders all or nothing (BPD) or unless I’m sure I’m liked (avoidant). 

So that’s one choice to cut everyone/everything out. Which will cause sadness and all but when I get over it I’ll be over it. 

Another choice is to keep going until things get better or fall apart, not intervening either way. This is hard because I get triggered sometimes by group and outside of it a lot, I have to have my fb as a facilitator and can’t control my levels of triggers that way. Maybe I’ll go out of BPD mode and the being left out won’t hurt so much and I can function good and itll all be good. Or in my opinion more likely the group will fall apart due to the cliques and drama and I’ll feel responsible because I didn’t do anything to stop it, especially now since I know it’s not just me feeling this way. 

Another option is somewhere in the middle. Trying to talk to people about how I’m doing and what part they are playing in this. This could include bringing up the fact that I’m not the only one feeling this way. This group is suppose to be a safe place and it’s no longer for a number of people. Major downsides to this is that I don’t know if I could handle it. I can’t control how they’ll react/respond and right now the fact that in my mind I can say maybe they don’t know gives me some condolence. 

There’s probably other options but right now that’s what I see. Please feedback on what you think I should do, what you would do, or anything. 

One Response to “After stewing for at least a day”

  1. mscassiopeia April 2, 2015 at 10:47 AM #

    Hi Marci,

    Reading your blog, I could feel the tension and dilemma you’re experiencing in the blog.
    Do you really want to keep the group going and do you want to stay as a facilitator?

    If yes, here are some of my suggestions.

    Since you are experiencing fear, would it help if you have coping mechanisms or different ways to battle the fear and instead try to be a pro-active person.

    For example, if you’re about to attend a meeting and you’re worried, instead on fosucing in the worry, come up with options or solutions right away to improve the situation.

    To be specific, you need to catch yourself when you are worried, feeling depress, or when you want to avoid something, you need to learn or teach yourself to come up with solutions or options to preven that from happening. What I mean with catch yourself is just like when a mother would catch her son, scratching his wound after she kept telling him to let it heal and don’t scratch it.

    You mentioned that you and some of the members don’t feel safe in the group. Then when you’re about to meet the group, try to come up with activities that will bring the group closer.

    Instead of focusing your time with worry, focus on the solution, or option that would improve the situation. It’s hard but it could happen and be permanent with practice.

    Now if you don’t want to handle the group anymore, maybe you could leave the group to someone you can trust and someone who is capable and someone who will be responsible to take care of the group.

    Hope my suggestions will help you. Good luck! 🙂

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