Archive | April, 2015

Lots of arguing and yelling

30 Apr

I guess they saved it all up for tonight, it’s not all that surprising when I’m tired I’m weaker.  Earlier there was one crying and another yelling at her, I was spelling road signs to try and block it out, it helped till I got out of the car.  That’s a distress tolerance skill distract with thoughts.  I use it for voices a lot when driving.  Now it’s all about getting homework and studying done which is apparently useless because if I’m this stupid at math how will I ever teach it.  I can work on it for about 20 minutes before the taunting gets to bad and I move to something else for it to calm down for a bit.  I have been skipping to Italian and that had been working up to a couple of minutes ago.  Now the voices have moved on to suicidal and cutting urges and pissed off that I’m trying to do this swim thing after the NAMI Walk Saturday.  I’m on the verge of making an emergency appointment with my case manager but I am slightly afraid she will hospitalize me which even worse to admit that’s what I might need.  But the voices don’t want her interfering and I don’t want to go to the hospital so I don’t know what to do.  Thinking about going home and just taking some Valium and going to bed.  But I feel guilty I didn’t accomplish much today, plus we all know that’s just a temporary solution to a problem thats getting worse and worse.

Protected: Looking for answers, again

30 Apr

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30 Apr

As I have kicked into survival mode I may will not be good at getting back to comments.  Just wanted to let you know I have read them and appreciated them and will respond when I can.

Survival mode

30 Apr

I’ve kicked into survival mode, hopefully this will limit the voices.  I felt my body shutting down yesterday and while I know I need proper sleep and nutrition, that’s just not going to happen right now.  Oddly when studying the voices aren’t that bad.  The trick is to get to studying because they are telling me I’m not worth it, I’m too stupid, and I’m not going anywhere anyways.  Survival mode will probably limit the people from NAMI Walk coming over swimming Saturday after the walk.  Socializing with those people can create more stress, excite the voices, and I need to get shit done.  I’m thinking about messaging my case manager and trying to get extra support through these last couple weeks of the semester, but I’m not sure if I want her to see how bad it is… I’m not getting hospitalized, I don’t care what I have to do.  The voices are mostly under the scene anyways, unless I talk with them, dissociate, or have trouble communicating, listen to them and there commands- most people don’t really know what’s going on or how bad.  I hope they don’t take over control of the body, it’s only happened a couple times and if it does mums the word.  Maybe I’ll write later about them and everything else, for now it’s studying time.

29 Apr

shutting down. Self harm urges. Suicidal.

You can’t just undo invalidation: borderlines in relationships- family

29 Apr

Most people who have Borderline Personality Disorder have strained relationships with family members. I think this has to do with most people who have BPD had an invalidating environment growing up or were abused. 

I’ll talk about the invalidating environment first. As a child I was constantly told what I was feeling was not reality. My dad never believed how sick I was. When I got upset I was frequently told I was over-sensitive or “making a mountain out of a mole hill.”  My dad was over critical and my mom was emotionally absent most the time. Even now as an adult I still feel invalidated a lot by my parents. I also find it hard to trust/believe them when they act supportive. 

As a child I also grew up with emotional abuse. Which has contributed more to the lack of trust/belief in my parents. It also constantly makes me believe there are alterior motives when they are being nice/supportive. Even though for the most part the emotional abuse has stopped. I still feel its effects. There is fear that it could come back at anytime, even though I’m an adult. 

I find myself stuck in childhood patters; thinking and feeling like a child. I kind of was forced to grow up early and strangely now I’ve regressed. I feel a lot of resentment towards my parents even though they sometimes apologize. I’m scared. I get angry and I feel like I have a right to. But most times I’m that timid little child trying to gain approval and not “upset the apple cart.”

Someone please soothe me

29 Apr

Life passes you by. Especially when you’re mentally ill. People grow and progress so much quicker, leaving you behind. I’m growing too, very slowly and it hurts to think of the future. Not only mine but the people I care about. They’ll have other priorities and I’ll fade to the background. As I move to the background I’ll wonder why I even tried and want to disappear altogether. My sister will have kids. 20 somethings friend will move. And now I’m having nightmares of my case manager leaving my health insurance. It’s a lonely place to be at 4am, anytime really. How are you suppose to calm me with these inevitabilities looming. It makes me want to die now so I don’t have to bare the loss. People say enjoy the time you have, but I see it shifting before my eyes. Peoples schedules changing and priorities too, me fading to the background. Is it better this gradual way?  When will I be someone’s number one?

The future looks desolate

29 Apr

Waking up in the middle of the night with this empty feeling and sense of dread. I see myself going no where again and life passing me by. I’m trying to do the right things but it doesn’t matter. I’m trying not to worry but it doesn’t help. Things look bleak and I go back to considering suicide.

Out on a limb

28 Apr

I’ve read two posts that sort of inspired me and made me think.  One was on Dissociative Identity Disorder and the other on Psychosis.  I’ve mentioned that I hear voices and I have divided them into 3 sets: the sides, back 1’s and back 2s.  The sides and back 1s respond to medication and are currently gonee due to the Latuda.  With the sides they have always came and gone and usually responded to a medication increase, these are the command hallucinations and the demeaning ones.  The back 1s never really responded to any anti-psychotics and they were there 24/7, they were mostly neutral or narrating so I didn’t have much problem with them other than it could be frustrating and hard to concentrate.  With the Latuda this is the first stretch I’ve gone without them, and I would be lying if I didn’t say I’ve thought about stopping the Latuda because I kind of miss them.  They also talked to me and were sometimes supportive besides talking to each other narrating and being neutral.

So on to the back 2s the most challenging and confusing of the voices.  They come and go and can also last for stretches but usually not more than a couple days.  Sometimes they’ll pop up say something for a minute or so and then disappear.  Some are quiet and some very loud, all female.  I have hypothesized that they may be dissociated or detached parts of my self.  They’ve been called parts/alters and trauma voices.  Usually only one speaks at a time but there have been screaming matches.  Sometimes warnings, commands, piece of information I don’t really understand, being mean or derogatory, playing on fears; they do a lot of different things.

I read in one of the posts (the one on DID) that her voices/parts are essentially split into two teams with very few being neutral.  I certainly have felt this way before.  I can think of a couple incidences in counseling where it just seemed like everyone was screaming and they thought whoever was the loudest would “win.”  Yeah, I got hospitalized that time but I never really told what the voices were arguing over.  It was one of my triggers and they had different opinions on where the triggers came from and what should be said about them.  Most the back 2s are very untrusting and secretive, they even keep secrets from me.   I’m afraid to go into them and afraid that I’ll be right about them and also fearful I will just be called a liar.  Maybe I’ll feel safe enough one day.  Sometimes there is info on my blog that they say.  The last couple posts on voices were the back 2s.  They know more than me for sure, they are always there watching and waiting even if not talking and it feels like an eerie presence.

The other post on psychosis in general talks about living with it and it being a part of daily life.  Missing the voices and them only not being present when highly medicated.  My voices when having major episodes seem to be getting worse and longer with time.  I’m terrified I will eventually lose it completely and go into a permanent psychosis.  They say schizophrenia is a degenerative illness and I have schizoaffective which is a combo of schizophrenia and bipolar, with a better outcome than pure schizophrenia but worse than just bipolar.

Maybe I have both, now wouldn’t that be something.  One prior therapist had hypothesized that my multiple diagnoses were because different parts had different disorders.  I’m still confused but it gives me something to think about and show other’s perspectives.

I’m back

28 Apr

I’m back from Disneyland. Over all the trip went pretty good. The annual pass holder event (the reason I went) was kinda lame but Monday at California Adventure was the best. I got some pictures which I’ll put on this post.

I have some studying to catch up on. The semester is winding down so I need to crack down on Pre-Calc and Italian. Human sexuality should be fine. I registered for next semester and the only Calculus classes that were still open were during group and my 4th semester Italian class (which I think will be canceled due to lack of enrollment).

I read some posts that inspired me today. So a little blogging before homework. Here’s the pictures: