Internal Borderline

21 Mar

Internal Borderline- The 9 Criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder explained as experienced by me in an “internal”  sense

  1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5

Usually just plans made up in the head about how people can’t leave you, ways to get them to stay, or ways to follow them.  They can be very elaborate plans with lots of research but in order not to look obsessed or desperate they mostly stay in the head.

  1. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

The love-hate or love-disappointed more so in my case.  I feel the intensity inside me, feeling so loved and happy and cared about to feeling forgotten, neglected, or disappointed.  Usually I don’t say anything because that just ruins relationships (previous experience) but occasionally I will speak up about when/what disappointed me and I’m almost always letting them know how happy they make me feel.

  1. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

I use to really identify with whoever I was around.  I liked what they liked and I didn’t like what they didn’t like.  Figuring out who I was as a separate person was just too much work.  And if I were just like them, we were alone less and hypothetically got along better.  Now so it’s with my memories and doubts.  I wonder if I really even have mental illnesses, if I’m making this all up.  When I think I’m strong are others just seeing me as weak.  It doesn’t matter what I think my identity is, if someone questions it they are probably right (especially in more negative circumstances.)  Like I use to think I was so smart and math came easy to me, people joke about my intelligence and genius and I’ve always secretly loved this; last week I got a D on a math test and only have a 70% (lowest C you can have) in the class.  Now all the academic accomplishments have magically disappeared.

  1. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5

I have the thoughts but don’t act on them.  I’m too busy trying to be “good.”

  1. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.

All internal and hidden for the most part.  I do mention suicide but have never threatened it, it is something that is on my mind a lot.  I write notes. I use to self harm mostly in hidden areas like legs, stomach, or upper arms.

  1. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

I’m not sure if people can accurately see how intense my mood is and how quick it changes.  I can’t really hide irritability that well but I thought I was good at hiding the intensity of other emotions but again with the identity that is currently in doubt.

  1. Chronic feelings of emptiness

Yep.

  1. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

Not really.  Sometimes I get really angry over stupid things but I don’t display it outwardly.  I will be passive-aggressive or I use to self harm.

  1. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

yes again mostly in my head or hidden.  Sometimes people will catch me dissociating.

12 Responses to “Internal Borderline”

  1. manyofus1980 March 22, 2015 at 1:53 AM #

    I bet this was a difficult post to write Marcie. Well done on getting it out. I can relate to it very much. Even though my primary diagnosis is did and ptsd, I do have bpd traits. XX

    • mm172001 March 22, 2015 at 1:15 PM #

      Not really hard to write. I just think it’s important to show that all people diagnosed with BPD fit the stereotype.

  2. prideinmadness March 22, 2015 at 5:08 AM #

    I was really impulsive as a teen and I guess I still can be sometimes but I’m also too busy trying to be good. I try and avoid a lot of conflict minus the conflict I create.

    Thanks for writing this post.

    • mm172001 March 22, 2015 at 1:13 PM #

      I also think along with growing up the medication has helped with impulsivity.

      • prideinmadness March 23, 2015 at 6:30 AM #

        Growing up has been a big factor for me. People say around 40 years old BPD symptoms begin to lessen.

        • mm172001 March 23, 2015 at 6:33 AM #

          Yay, I only have 7 and 1/2 more years j/k

  3. Minds Like Ours March 22, 2015 at 8:36 AM #

    I enjoyed reading this post Marci, Thank you for sharing.

    • mm172001 March 22, 2015 at 1:12 PM #

      I’m glad you enjoyed it and you’re welcome.

  4. dontgetmestartedblog March 22, 2015 at 4:05 PM #

    I enjoyed reading this, thank you. Helped me to reflect upon myself too! It’s good to have insight 🙂 take care x

    • mm172001 March 23, 2015 at 6:18 AM #

      Yes insight is always good because if you don’t know what you want to change, how will you change it?

  5. Darque March 23, 2015 at 5:45 PM #

    Reblogged this on Darque Thoughts.

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