Urge Surfing and completing the track

19 Mar

Feeling sort of blah.  Yesterday at counseling we were talking about my body dysphoria because it was really strong yesterday.  It’s really the first time I’ve ever tried to talk out loud about it to someone, and I think I’ve only blogged about it once or twice.  Since the DBT Homework is Urge Surfing I guess I can sort of do it with the dysphoria.

Urge surfing involves mindful observing of the urge to enact maladaptive behaviors.  Urge surfing involves stepping back from your experiences and using mindfulness skills, including non-judgmental observing and describing of urges or cravings.  Urge surfing involves awareness without mindlessly giving into the urge.  Urge surfing notices the urge without pushing it away or holding on to it.  One simply notices and describes, moment-to-moment, the ebb and flow of the urge without reacting on it, maintaining a willingness to ride it through without acting on it.  Validating Emotions throughout.

Instructions: In the space below, describe your practice of urge surfing.  Be very detailed.  Describe your moment-to-moment observations.  Describe the ebb and flow of your thoughts, feelings, sensations, urges.  Also chart the urge at the bottom of the page, like we did in group.

The trigger was waking up in the morning and getting dressed.  The shirt I picked out was too tight for me, but I wanted to wear it anyways.  I used my arms to stretch out the shirt but it was still tight and you could see my belly button and the circle around it, you could also see the curves on the sides of my body.  I determined it was another day to “diet.”  I ate a bagel at home so I wouldn’t eat at school.  The ramp up phase was very gradual.  I tried to distract myself by paying attention in class.  During math break I ate a kind bar and was obssesing over the nutritional information and daily value %.  After math class I have a break between Human Sexuality, the break requires me to do some uphill walking and stairs.  I was getting discouraged when having labored breathing with just doing walking that shouldn’t be hard.  I also noticed people behind me that passed me because I was going to slow for them.  After walking to my class I am usually winded so I have something to drink.  I had a red bull with me so I drank that hoping it would help curve my appetite.  I also entered all the food and red bull I had consumned into my fitbit app to see the total calories even though I didn’t have the actual fitbit on to take away my calories burned by walking.  I decided it was a night I wasn’t going to eat dinner.  I got out of Human Sexuality a little early because we did an exercise making a 3-D play doh structure of female anatomy.  I was giving orders on to who modeled what and it kept my mind off my body.  I was really hungry after class ended and had a little bit of time between that and my counseling appointment.  I had already decided a few minutes into my drive that I was going to have Mexican food even though I tried to pretend to debate with myself whether or not I would.  I ate one cheese enchilada and some refried beans.  I was wanting dessert so I went to Baskins and Robbins and got some dessert this was when the peak started.  I drove to my counseling appointment and sat in the lobby while waiting.  I was having a hard time reading a book while waiting for the appointment because it kept making me look down at my disgusting stomach, I also couldn’t balance the book on my stomach like I usually do so it was a strain to read.  During the appointment I tried really hard not to move because I felt like with each movement I could feel the fat jiggle.  I explained I was having dysphoria and she asked me to explain it.  I mentioned feeling all the fat jiggle, wanting to cut out chunks of fat out of my body, feeling like the skin was thicker so it would take deep cuts to get the fat chunks out, deciding I wansn’t going to eat dinner because I felt so fat already.  As I sat there she mentioned me gasping for air and I said it was because I was trying to do too many things at once: breathe, eye contact, not move, talk, withstand the dysphoria.  Towards the end of the session was the ramp down.  When I got home I changed in to a loser fitting shirt and loose pajama pants.  I did end up eating dinner.  But made myself go to sleep at 7:30pm so I wouldn’t eat dessert.

urge surfing

Towards the end of the session she asked why it was coming up now.  I said there are probably like 5 main symptoms I battle and when those are off the field for whatever reason, some of the lesser known ones come on.  Like I can’t have a break.  The current 5 main ones are: fears of abandonment/rejection, emptiness, anxiety, sadness/mood dysregulation, and self esteem issues.  Since I am really trying to keep the BPD symptoms at bay because they have been out of control this month, other symptoms are sneaking in.  Most the 5 main symptoms are Borderline type symptoms anyways.  There was the bout with self harm, the body dysphoria, feeling trapped, emotional dreams, numbness, dissociation, and anger.  And maybe some more.  My case manager linked it to a track that I have to go around and pass all these symptoms successfully.  So far, so good except the small slip up in self harm.

3 Responses to “Urge Surfing and completing the track”

  1. Andi March 19, 2015 at 9:13 PM #

    Great work!

  2. manyofus1980 March 19, 2015 at 9:31 PM #

    What an insightful post Marcie. You are so honest in your writings. You seem to really know your symptoms well. Good for you. I hope it helped to write out all that. X

    • mm172001 March 19, 2015 at 9:41 PM #

      I don’t know if that’s always a good thing, but I do have a lot of awareness.

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