I hate making decisions

16 Mar

I hate making decisions, even simple ones like where to go to eat.  Things have gotten bad to the point where something needs to be done.  And I don’t really know what that is.  I would like to be able to stay in school and DBT.  I’m afraid if I get hospitalized that I’ll get kicked out of DBT and depending on how long I’m in, I may have to drop my Spring Classes.  I deactivated my Facebook account and that should help with some of the triggers.  Most of my triggers in the last week have come from Facebook and my friends circle.  Sometimes I just wish I knew how not to care and not to feel left out, even better I wish I felt like I belonged somewhere.  I was talking to 20 something’s friend and I mentioned the places where I feel like I belong sometimes/or am comfortable at: with my sister, with my case manager, with him, at school, at the hospital and these are all only sometimes.  I felt like the odd one out at high school friend’s game night.  I see people doing things on Facebook where I wasn’t invited.  I know people pick other people over me and it shouldn’t bother me as much as it does.  I know it’s about quality over quantity and I have a few great quality people in my life.  I just feel like these people pretend to like me, like they are stringing me along or something, or feel pity for me.  I don’t want them to know about the hospitalizations or them being anywhere in the cause because I don’t want pity invites or pity friends.  But then there is the part of me that really hopes they notice and care.  The parts that sometimes want to do something parasuicidal just to get people’s attention and comfort.  That’s so not me.  I want to live with integrity.  I have a hard time seeing if I’m just weak handling this stuff or if it’s really big stuff.  I feel like other people could handle it better and that makes me feel like a failure.  Another 6 months and I’ll probably be in the hospital again.  When is this going to end?  It’s not like I’m not trying?  I could really use some encouragement right now or a hug or why I should even bother…..

14 Responses to “I hate making decisions”

  1. alfgarnet March 16, 2015 at 1:38 AM #

    Deep breaths hunny, you are strong, every day is a. New. Day and a new chance to start again, and a big Huggies for you , xx

    • mm172001 March 17, 2015 at 11:12 AM #

      Thanks. I needed that

      • alfgarnet March 17, 2015 at 12:07 PM #

        Always. Hunny , take care be safe

      • alfgarnet March 17, 2015 at 12:11 PM #

        Always hunny x

  2. Zoe March 16, 2015 at 2:00 AM #

    Do virtual hugs count? I’m sending you a huge one!

  3. prideinmadness March 16, 2015 at 3:47 AM #

    I can’t make simple decisions either! Where to eat or what to eat is a huge stressor for me. I think it was smart to deactivate your Facebook. I’ve considered doing the same.

    • mm172001 March 17, 2015 at 11:11 AM #

      Thank you for your validation. 🙂

  4. midnightdemons7 March 16, 2015 at 7:02 PM #

    i’d talk to you ya but you don’t have FB anymore. I can email you my number if you want to. I still care about you, please don’t forget that just because I am on the east coast! HUGS

    • mm172001 March 16, 2015 at 7:27 PM #

      Look into your message box

      • midnightdemons7 March 16, 2015 at 8:07 PM #

        which message box?

        • mm172001 March 16, 2015 at 10:35 PM #

          I sent you a fb message on your gc account because it wouldn’t just let me friend request you or you can search for me Marci Miles and I have no profile pic.

          • midnightdemons7 March 17, 2015 at 3:03 PM #

            I’ve tried and a million marci’s come up, none with profile pics. 😦

            • mm172001 March 17, 2015 at 3:56 PM #

              Check your frontierville account I sent that a friend request and then maybe you can get me from there

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