Yesternight

15 Mar

So in DBT we talk about the emotional mind and the rational mind and the ideal is when the two circles overlap at part (think Venn Diagram) and you have the wise mind.  Many people with BPD have problems or their emotional mind is more problematic for them.  I’m kind of the oddity where I struggle more with rational mind and if there are no emotions things can get dangerous.  The emotions I am talking about are a sense of being alive, guilt, loyalty (which kind of isn’t an emotion but you’ll see.)

My rational mind loves to plan my suicide, I think it’s almost compulsive; as it happens even when I’m doing relatively well or am happy.  Usually the emotion mind steps in at some point and is like what about the people you will leave behind, what about promises you have made about fighting these urges, what about last week where you felt kinda good, even though you’re feeling like crap right now it’s gotten worse and you’ve made it through…. yada yada yada.  And then my mind or emotions go some where else.

When I don’t have those emotions the plan gets more and more intricate.  I start initiating small parts of the plan, part to see reaction and part to set things into motion.  Last night I hid my bog, I was trying to delete but was in my room on my iphone and since I got a comment I know I didn’t succeed in this.  I deactivated my Facebook account.  I have access to my pills on Sunday (now today) and have an extra bottle of Desipramine and Lamictal that my mom wouldn’t notice missing.  The plan was to go about life for the most part Mon, Tue, Wed so no one would know what was up.  Wednesday I would drop my classes.  Figure out a way to say goodbye to my case manager without her realizing my intent.  And Thursday instead of going to group I would get a hotel room and do my suicidal plan which is more intricate than just the meds but I don’t want to trigger anyone.

Before I got into this full obsession I had texted a friend a very normal text.  Now I had stupid options to deal with: ignore the text, respond like everything was okay, reach out for help.  I chose to reach out for help.  We texted back and forth for awhile and then I started to get angry (not at him) and the emotions seeped back in.  Now I was in safe territory.  My rational mind will never complete an impulsive suicide, that’s more for the emotional mind.  And usually within the week window of the onset to the carry out day I slip enough back into emotional mind or someone puts me in the hospital or both.

I cut last week and was intensely suicidal.  I was intensely suicidal again and might have self harmed if I thought it wouldn’t ruin my plan and the dog wasn’t there.  Am I taking a chance letting these thoughts and plans come back up, I don’t really know how to prevent them and they don’t seem to be triggered by anything.  Last time this happened last July I was hospitalized (at my non-usual hospital) and felt no better when released than I did when I went in.  But I guess the suicidalness went down some because I never did my plan which is semi-similar to this one.  I’m afraid if I tell my case manager what’s up she’ll hospitalize me.  It’s midterms and I don’t think the hospital will do much for me other than contain me.  If I don’t maybe I’ll go through with it, I feel like I don’t have some of my usual safe guard when I go into that emotionless type mind.  What would you do?

PS. I think this is a total BPD issues.

7 Responses to “Yesternight”

  1. manyofus1980 March 15, 2015 at 10:45 AM #

    I would tell someone. If the hospital will contain you, keep you safe, then I’d go. If you can, talk to your case manager or therapist. Hope everything works out. Xoxo

    • mm172001 March 17, 2015 at 11:16 AM #

      I did and you saw the update. All is good for right now.

  2. Janni Styles March 15, 2015 at 1:11 PM #

    Agree on telling someone or going to the hospital, I think that’s the first and most important thing and I have been to hospital many times because I promised the PTSD/trauma counselor I would go there if I had suicidal thoughts/feelings. Second, if it were me, I would try not to overwhelm myself, easier said than done, I know, Marci. Hugs to you.

    • mm172001 March 17, 2015 at 11:15 AM #

      Thanks, I’m cutting out stressful things and I talked to my case manager there’s an update on it. Friend my new account on Facebook.

      • Janni Styles March 17, 2015 at 12:44 PM #

        Good for you. Only today I realized I have to cut out stressful things or people, everything is just too much for me right now. Wishing you all the best, Marci, you rock for sharing so openly and yes I will friend you on Facebook.

  3. midnightdemons7 March 15, 2015 at 3:30 PM #

    Marcie, please get help, you don’t want to end your life. how are we supposed to rule the world if you are gone?

    • mm172001 March 17, 2015 at 11:14 AM #

      hehehe. you always make me smile

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