10 Mar

I woke up sort of late and kept drifting in and out of dazed dreams.  I think part of the reason was I was cold and Giblets was sleeping on my blankets.  One of the dreams I remember is trying to get a second part time job and entering my school schedule into some computer to find jobs that would work around my schedule.  ODD. Reason number 1 it’s odd I don’t consider my working for my parents a first time job.  Number 2 my hours of availability were Mon 3:30pm-10pm, Tuesday 8am-11:30am, Wed 5-10pm, Thursdays 3:30-7:30pm and anytime Friday or Saturday and Sunday before 5pm.  I don’t know why anyone would want someone who could usually only work 3 hour shifts.  I don’t know why I would want to work on Friday or the Weekend.  Not sure why I was even trying to get this job but I really really wanted it.

Anyways in addition to keep waking in and out of sleep I didn’t get out of bed until 11am.  I checked my e-mail, through some pants on and left for school.  Halfway to school I realized I didn’t take my morning meds which is quite a bit of medicine.  I felt space-casey, have had a light headache, super sweaty, and occasionally dizzy.  This post may seem jumbled for that reason.  I have since taken my meds but still feeling space-casey. That is a word I sort of invented that means goofy, unfocused, and flighty.

My Intensive Case Manager called today and I am being discharged from the program.  She says I have been doing awesome.  No I didn’t mention the last slip up with self harm.  It’s funny because she specifically mentioned not being in the hospital since October and I was discussing with 20 something’s friend about my goals to stay out of the hospital and what it does for me.  So since this is a jumbled ramble already here is what it does:

  • I don’t have to cook or anything and am expected to eat three meals a day.
  • I am expected to shower, make my bed, and change my clothes everyday.
  • I am expected to go to groups everyday and not lay in bed or sleep.
  • It is expected that I won’t self harm or attempt suicide.
  • I am given my medication at specific times and if I forget they come find me.
  • I meet with my inpatient psychiatrist who usually alters my medication regimen in some way.
  • I don’t have to deal with school while in the hospital, though depending on how well I am functioning I may be doing school work.
  • If something goes wrong, like I’m having symptoms supposedly someone is there to witness it but I’m pretty good at hiding things.
  • Limited contact with the outside world, an hour of visiting a day and phone calls if you can ever get someone off the phone.  (Someone’s always on the phone and sometimes a person will answer it and then just hang up.)
  • Not a lot of down time except on the weekends which are hella boring.
  • There is a quiet room to go to if I feel overstimulated
  • I always come out with some new diagnosis

So what does all this mean.  Well I am a person who likes most people to be happy with me so I do everything that is expected of me.  It removes me from the real world and it’s responsibilities and all and I feel freer (usually).  There is the potential that someone could help me if I actually let them know what was going on, but the few times I’ve done it they just get scared.  I can control who sees me and how much, this can be good and bad.

Usually upon discharge from the hospital I seem improved and either if “fair” or “stable” as the boxes are checked.  The trick is keeping that up when there is later no motivation to do so.  Simple things like making sure I eat, showering, making beds, changing clothes are tedious for me and if I’m already struggling I don’t consider them necessities.  There is bound to be down time and stuff comes up internally.  You need to catch back up with real life and usually be vague or straight out lie where you have been.  I can get ice cream and the food I like now, though I’m learning that it can be brought in with doctors orders.  I use to do so good in the hospital they wanted me to live in an environment which was kind of like a hospital (board and care) the thing is my functioning fluctuates and constantly being around people who aren’t functioning starts to get to me, one reason I start pushing for release.  I want some control over my life and board and care sucked, they didn’t want me driving.  The food they picked out was gross.  My roommates were all low functioning who just watched TV all day.  I didn’t have friends and didn’t like my family visiting.  Anyways I made it less than a month in board and care about 3 weeks or so I think.  And the longest I’ve been hospitalized is 13 days.  It puts things in prospective.

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