How I felt yesterday

7 Mar

i woke up around 8am and forgot that my mom had left to go to Hawaii with my sister. My dad was at my grandpa’s house a couple hours away. I woke up with the slightly blah mood from Thursday night. Once I realized no one was home my mood dropped more. I took my pills and had half a pint of ice cream for breakfast. 

I got into the bath tub and that’s when I realized I wouldn’t be going to the NAMI Walks leader luncheon. I did have the mood to be around a lot of people I didn’t know. No one told me when my dad was coming back except it’d be Friday I did wash my hair but I went back to sleep/laid down till 3pm. 

I woke up hungry and my dad still wasn’t home, I ate the other half the pint of ice cream. My thoughts really started getting down on me, so I went back to lay down. After tossing and turning with my tortuous thoughts I decided to get up and make the best of what of the day was left. I got dressed and went out to lunch by myself. I texted 20 something’s friend because I know being alone like this just makes matters worse. 

As I was almost done with my lunch my dad called saying he was about 10 minutes from home and wanted to know about lunch, by now it was at least 4pm. I told him I was eating and got off the phone. I finished eating and still managed to beat him home. I looked at my SMASH journaling stuff but I wasn’t in the mood. I went back to bed. 

Later in the evening dad starts really focusing on wanting to get me out of the house or to do something. I still haven’t heard back from 20 something’s friend and when I’m in this vulnerable mood state it never seems to end well if I spend time with my dad. 

The neighbors come over and are trying to invite themselves over for dinner or something. My dad doesn’t jump on it because he’s still concerned about me. Earlier he mentioned doing something with old best friend and her family but I didn’t want to launch into a discussion on why I’m over that friendship. 

My mood kept dropping now rather intensely and I tried to blog about my feelings. But nothing was really working and I was tired of feeling these similar feelings all week. I decided to take apart a razor, hadn’t done it in awhile so it took me longer than usual. I was dissociating pretty bad and was wondering if my vision would focus enough to cut safely. Also my fantasies of suicide I was having earlier in the morning came back, but it was a different feeling that was concurring. I thought about writing them out yesterday morning since they were so vivid and thought out but I didn’t want to trigger anyone or give ideas. 

I ended up cutting 3 times, taking my night pills plus a couple of Valium and going to bed early. 

My dad woke me up today he’s still on that mission to get me to do something or out of the house. But this morning I feel worse, there’s the leftover feelings from yesterday, the guilt from cutting, and just an angry mood. I feel like a little ball of hate. I can’t project that on others that does me no good. So it’s get over it, sleep, or project inward. At this moment I don’t want to do the right thing, I’m sick of trying it and it not working. I also feel like a fool because everyone’s going to think the cutting was because of break up feelings and it wasn’t, though I’m not sure why I did it. 

4 Responses to “How I felt yesterday”

  1. Janni Styles March 7, 2015 at 9:16 PM #

    Good on you for writing this all out of your head. Be gentle with you, Marci, just be gentle is all I can think of to tell you right now. ❤

    • mm172001 March 8, 2015 at 11:16 AM #

      Thanks. I’m feeling better and more stable today. I figure there will be bumps in the road and little side steps and I’m trying to see that self harm as just that a step off the road. But back on track now.

  2. manyofus1980 March 9, 2015 at 4:53 PM #

    It sounds like everything was so intense and it all just got too much for you. I’m sorry you cut as a result. I hope the cuts werent too deep or did not need stitches or treating. Safe hugs if thats ok. XX

    • mm172001 March 9, 2015 at 9:15 PM #

      No not too deep or anything, just a setback

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