More on the break up

5 Mar

not getting back to youFeeling sad, lonely, and apathetic so I thought I’d write a post.  So I knew something was wrong when the ex girlfriend didn’t text me back last Monday she is usually pretty good at returning texts and she has her read receipt on her phone so I knew she read the text.  Monday night my anxiety was bothering me I was talking to 20 something’s friend and said there was something wrong.  The anxiety got so bad with stomach pain that I couldn’t sleep so I took a Valium.

Sure enough the next morning I get the text from her.  I respond twice and she never responds.  Again I knew she read it because the read receipt was on, so I figure she is just that type of girl.  I go onto Facebook and delete her as a friend as well as un-invite her to events I invited her to.  I thought it was over and maybe it was the Valium still in my system that helped me handle things so well Tuesday.  Wednesday again I handled things pretty well.

Thursday I was wreck and the emotional impact hit me.  I’ve said it more than once and I’ll say it again I wasn’t expecting so much of a reaction because I didn’t think I had that deep of feelings for her.  I’m coming to find out I had a lot of “firsts” with her so maybe that’s what I’m grieving.  I tried to do the DBT Skills but felt no better.  Thursday night I hit the peak with suicidal thoughts and self harm urges, I took 3 Valium and hoped the next day would be better.

Because of the ineffectiveness of the skills Thursday, I did jack shit Friday except sleep.  Saturday felt a little better.  Sunday kind of emotional.  And all through out the week really vulnerable and emotionally reactive.

This Wednesday I got the next text which was really childish and bothered be a lot.  She was blaming me and it made me angry as well as defensive, I just blocked her and didn’t really look at the message luckily I had an appointment with my case manager that day and it made me feel better.  I wrote the blog on the unsent message.  I also referred to some stuff earlier in the week Warning Feelings she said I had a lot of strength when it came to boxing up things and pushing them away but little exposure to opening them and sorting them up.  Kinda reminded me of a backhanded compliment but I liked the compliment aspect.  She didn’t want this break up to turn into another box with no closure that I push away.  So I guess I’ll write about it till I feel some closure on my end.

4 Responses to “More on the break up”

  1. Zoe March 6, 2015 at 12:20 AM #

    😦 Sorry to hear that turned out that way. I hope you can find some comfort in writing your feelings out. We’ll be here to “listen.”

  2. manyofus1980 March 9, 2015 at 6:06 PM #

    sorry it didnt work out. hope writing out what happened helped you. here…listening, hugs if wanted too xoxo

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