Session 3/4/15- Unsent message

4 Mar

I had counseling today.  Most of the discussion was about the break up.  Also the ex-girlfriend sent me another text this morning.  I talked a little about the triggers from Wednesday contributing to me taking the 6 valium and the Nyquil because she was under the impression that just the break up is what destabalized me.  Granted the break up had me more vulnerable and emotional but I think I dealt am dealing with it pretty well.  I’ve been thinking about what I wanted to say and although I don’t want to send it because it will just prolong the conflict I thought I’d write it here.

You say that it bothers you that I am not certain that you are my girlfriend but I am calling you that.  YOU were the first person to use the term girlfriend and since it was my first relationship I just returned the term.  I learned today I should have had a conversation about it and how I was not comfortable at this level.  I liked you and thought we could be something but it was clear from the beginning that there were communication issues.  I tried to be as honest as possible and I feel like you think I was lying to you.  I asked you not to read my blog yet you still did, and possibly still are.  It’s true I wasn’t in love and confused about our status, but I am like that in many relationships like I texted you.  I thought it was really immature for you not to reply to my texts until a week later and then attack me.  I will not give you satisfaction by becoming defensive and possibly saying rude things also.  I tried to do everything I thought a girlfriend was suppose to do including introducing you to my parents, even though I come to find out you haven’t even told your parents we were dating.  And you act like I’m uncertain or ashamed/embarrassed about our relationship though it was clear you wanted to be secretive about it.  You attack me by saying ridiculous things like think I’m too good for you when you know I wrote in my blogs about me not being enough for you and not knowing what you see in me.  I was very insecure compared to your weight and looks and surprised someone as good looking as you would date me… I don’t know how that translates to you not being good enough for me.  You moved to fast and I wouldn’t have been able to keep up so I guess it’s good things ended now.  Even though I didn’t feel super attached to you, I miss part of our relationship like having someone to be intimate with and you being the first time I ever slept with a girl and woke up next to.  At least I learned from our relationship that I need to be upfront that I’m not the type of person who is going to fall fast and make commitments and have feelings quickly.  So I thank you for that.

One Response to “Session 3/4/15- Unsent message”

  1. manyofus1980 March 9, 2015 at 11:40 PM #

    You did really well writing all this out Marcie. I hope it helped. Writing always helps me. XX

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