I was wrong

26 Feb

**trigger warning**

Crazy, angry, empty post

I guess I care even when people leave me that I’m not too invested in. The last couple have days have been dealing with crazy urges to write long messages until she replies. But I know it will just annoy her and make me look pathetic. I’m not happy how things ended and her not even responding. But that’s usually how people leave, suddenly and don’t look back. I know I can’t remember good. But I was thinking back to before the voices got too bad, before the antipsychotics that made me gain wait. I was still miserable just in different ways. It seems things just keep adding on. How much can one person bare. I thought about throwing up, combination of weight bothering me and wanting to self harm. But then I thought that might be counted as self harm and if I want to screw that up I’ll actually do the real cutting. I thought about stopping my pills, wondering if it’d make it easier to lose weight. When did I become so vain? Then I thought about taking too many pills. I had some Valium but only three pills. The most I took once was 10 and that’s cuz I wanted relief from my thoughts/the voices. I probably would have taken 5 but I have no access. That night I had the whole bottle, times like this I wish I had just taken the whole bottle. This will pass but it feels so empty and hollow. I fantasize about ripping the skin on my wrists/arms off and pulling out the veins spitting blood everywhere. I wonder if that’d make me feel anything. Cutting only sometimes does. And I do have some feelings they are just odd mixtures. I thought about messaging my case manager to see if I could get an emergency appt tomorrow. I just want someone to talk to/cry to. But I’m afraid she’ll not have room or think it’s so important I have to be in the hospital. I’m suicidal but not actively. But then again this is my first break up unless you count PK and some people are stupid about airing on the side of caution. I thought I was going to cry but instead my eyes are just burning. Good night. 

7 Responses to “I was wrong”

  1. blahpolar February 27, 2015 at 2:05 AM #

    Hope you manage/d to get some sleep; I hate the silent treatment too 😦

    • mm172001 February 28, 2015 at 4:08 PM #

      Yeah it feels like no closure. I did manage to sleep with the help of some Valium

      • blahpolar March 1, 2015 at 3:21 AM #

        Totally – it’d be better if they said whatever had to be said before vanishing. Glad about the sleep though.

  2. Fumbling Through Therapy February 27, 2015 at 8:18 PM #

    That sounds really awful. Sorry you’re struggling right now. Hang in there :/

    • mm172001 February 28, 2015 at 4:09 PM #

      I did and I feel a little better today. So hopefully that sticks

  3. manyofus1980 March 1, 2015 at 4:20 PM #

    Sending some hugs So very sorry it turned out like this no closure thats unfair and im sorry its got to be like that. xx

    • mm172001 March 1, 2015 at 5:03 PM #

      Yeah it sucked but I guess that’s just how life is sometimes.

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