Update 2/21/15

21 Feb

Friday was a counseling session. I talked about the argument with my sister and a little bit about my relationship. I don’t have my next appt for a week and a half. I sort of wonder if she’s spacing the appts on purpose. I use to freak out if I didn’t see her every week.

We talked about my sister and how I’m changing. It’s interesting because when I talked to the therapist she was on the wave length that now I’m changing people are expecting me to change faster than I am. My case manager was talking about me and my sisters codependency and how she was frustrated making sacrifices for me that I didn’t appreciate enough. That made sense too, maybe it’s some of each. I know things will be different with me changing and how people will react, I just thought my sisters reaction would be the most positive in the family.

Then I talked about my relationship with my girlfriend and that I was worried I wasn’t having strong enough feelings fast enough. Normally the opposite of a borderline, I’m usually pretty guarded until I get close to someone then it’s really attached. I like her I’m just afraid I don’t like her as much as she likes me and she’ll take that to be a bad thing. My case manager seems to think all it will take is the fear of leaving and I’ll kick into super attached mode; but I don’t think so. It’s hard for me to communicate with most anyone and especially with the newness of this relationship. I also don’t see her as much since she’s working two jobs and lives a little far away.

My anxiety has been bothering me lately and last night it showed up in my dreams. I woke up at 2:30am with a nightmare about 20 something’s friend being upset with me and us not being friends anymore. I couldn’t shake the hollow anxious feeling I awoke with, and was awake for about a half hour before getting back to sleep. Then today I was getting all paranoid/anxious because I didn’t get a text back right away. That use to really freak me out before but I had gotten over it and began to think more reasonably that not everyone has their phone by them every minute or is able to text back as soon. I think part of the anxiety was from a dream and the other part from a card I sent. I usually don’t tell people my true feelings or how much I care about them because they leave. So that was my fear that I overwhelmed him or whatever and it was another friendship ended because people can’t handle me.

I’m feeling better now but really unmotivated with schoolwork.

11 Responses to “Update 2/21/15”

  1. blahpolar February 21, 2015 at 8:48 PM #

    You really know yourself well, that’s such a good thing. Hang in there …

  2. From literacy to lunacy February 22, 2015 at 1:23 AM #

    I really love your honesty in sharing this. All the best with your recovery.

    • mm172001 February 22, 2015 at 11:31 AM #

      Thanks I try to be honest as I can in my blogging.

  3. revgerry February 22, 2015 at 9:14 AM #

    One thing I have learned is that sometimes our body chemistry makes us feel anxious and we look for some reason – “maybe it’s this or it’s that.” You might want to consider that sometimes “it” isn’t anything happening outside of yourself, that you are fine, just having some anxiety and it will pass. At least that’s how it sometimes is for me.

    • mm172001 February 22, 2015 at 11:34 AM #

      I usually have some level of anxiety that just “is.” It was just odd because I’d been in this exact situation 3 or 4 times or so with no problems what so ever, so it makes me go into analyzing mode. I’ve also learned if I push myself too much I stat to have more problems which is probably what was going on. I’m a natural introvert and have been busy so it was probably my body telling me I needed a rest.

      • revgerry February 22, 2015 at 9:56 PM #

        That happens to me too as a fellow introvert. I get what I call “stimulus overload” and I think I am losing my mind. But I’m not – I just need some quiet and some SPACE. hugs, gerry

  4. randomblog2014 February 22, 2015 at 9:35 AM #

    Relationships should develop at the rate that matches the people in it, and personally I think attachments that develop more slowly are likely to be more substantial in the long run. Good luck

    • mm172001 February 22, 2015 at 11:34 AM #

      Very wise words. Thanks.

      • randomblog2014 February 23, 2015 at 9:39 AM #

        It can be so easy to think about what others expect or what we think is the “right way” that we can forget to pay attention to our own process and what really truly works for us. (I know, because I can be bad at paying attention to my process!)

  5. manyofus1980 February 22, 2015 at 5:32 PM #

    Anxiety sucks. So do bad dreams. I hope your feeling better now. And you got the school work done too. XX

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