Thoughts on Love

11 Feb

I’ve never thought much about love except in a negative way.  No one ever loved me the way I wanted to be loved.  What they did to me, what they said, how they treated me didn’t feel like love; even if I was told “I love you.”  Love was a concept made up to make people feel guilty and get what you want.  There was no unconditional love, everything had conditions you just might not have found yours yet.

I believe in care and concern but those are two distinctly different things than love.  I feel like care and concern can be measured but love cannot.  I could probably rank (if I had to) the people I care about in order of least to most.  But if you asked me to put the list of the few people I have loved in any order I could not.

I’m not good at expressing love and feel terrible when someone manipulates me into saying “I love you too.”  But I’m also not the one to put my vulnerabilities out there so I probably wouldn’t even say I love you to the few I do.  I hope they know I do in the way I act and feel and all that, that there is something beyond just care and concern.

I don’t trust easily and that’s a key component of love.  It takes me awhile to fall into love with a person, and while it doesn’t seem like a rational choice I make it sure doesn’t happen instantaneously, at least not for me.  Love takes time to root and grow up, if something doesn’t destroy it first.

I feel guilty because people tell me that they love me and I don’t think they do, few I think might.  But I can’t tell them that.  They’ve convinced themselves of it based on whatever their definition of love is.  I know I don’t have the typical definition and my requirements are more strict and the process more selective.

4 Responses to “Thoughts on Love”

  1. Rhio February 12, 2015 at 5:59 AM #

    All love takes time to root and grow up, any instantaneous feelings are more likely to be just a crush, as I don’t think you can truly fall in love without fully knowing a person first.
    What I have learned about love, actually from having a child, is that love grows deeper with everyday that passes. Romantic love is the same in this respect. That’s how I tell if I love them, and if they act out that they feel the same, that’s how I know they love me back. You’re right about the saying “I love you” thing without feeling it. I can feel when someone loves me back, if they say “I love you” and I don’t feel it, I don’t trust that they are saying it whilst meaning it, or like you say they’ve just convinced themselves of it but it isn’t the truth. Actions speak louder than words ever could when it comes to love.

    I apply quality over quantity to friendships of mine, I’d rather have few friends that love me, than loads of friends who say they do, but rarely give a crap. I guess having mental health issues, it’s easy to see who loves you and who doesn’t, the ones that see through the illness and just see you, love you.

    • mm172001 February 14, 2015 at 2:56 PM #

      I love this comment! Thanks so much for your thoughts on this and I think I agree sometimes it’s just hard to put into words how you think about a concept.

  2. manyofus1980 February 13, 2015 at 9:33 PM #

    I’m sure the people you love know it. with actions, even if you cant say the words. Gestures, etc, also show love and that someone loves you. XX

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