Brain dump

19 Jan

It’s bedtime (well, well past it) and I can’t sleep again. I constantly am worried about how abnormal myself and my life are. The things that bother me, the gaps, my quirks, a lot of who I am and what I experience/have experienced is related to mental illness. I remember when the psychosis stopped and I wondered who I was, if any of that time was “real.” I never really know who I am without “crazy” being part of my identity. I’m less symptomatic more now than I have been since I can remember. But I know these are chronic cyclic illnesses that don’t just disappear one day along with taking the whole past with them. I started a gratitude jar today- the first thing I put in it “I’m glad I didn’t try ECT again.” When I was on my date the other day it’s so difficult explaining my life without disclosing my struggle. I did okay but I feel like I’m hiding part of who I am. I’m trying to reason with myself that it’s probably not appropriate to delve into all that stuff on a 2nd date. But all that stuff is me and I feel bad inside thinking I have to hide it (at least for now,). Worse is I don’t know what to talk about in my life…. I have another date Monday, which technically is today and I have no idea what to do. My brain is racing and I’m anxious so it’s not a good combo. I was thinking about seeing if she wanted to work on Legos together, since she seemed interested in them yesterday. But it sounds kind of childish. I don’t know what to do and I actually like her. To stop stressing about that and because that’s who I am, I’m currently deconstructing gay movie night I’ve just had at my house. There are definite cliques or pairing offs, with some people left out. I feel sympathetic but I just don’t click with any of the more outsiders. And I wonder if I’m doing any good inviting them. Then I think how the cliques and pairings operate. I think it’s easiest to observe others and guess what is going on in their’s, than to ask or introspect what’s going on in mine. I’m just happy to have friends even if it’s cliquey and awkward sometimes. Any suggestions for a 3rd date?

7 Responses to “Brain dump”

  1. Cat January 19, 2015 at 11:22 AM #

    I’d say you’ve been right not to rush into disclosing on the first or second date, but maybe the third is the time to be a little more honest. You don’t need to go into the details, that can be a gradual thing. Good luck 😉

    • mm172001 January 19, 2015 at 12:46 PM #

      She ended up having to go home early tonight because she has to work tomorrow so there was no 3rd date. I have a hard time doing the gradual thing, it’s all or nothing for me. But it’s something to work on.

      • Cat January 19, 2015 at 12:47 PM #

        That’s what I like to hear you say, “something to work on”. You always seem to push yourself forward and that is a good thing, Marci

  2. Fumbling Through Therapy January 19, 2015 at 7:28 PM #

    I also struggle with being my “authentic self” and balancing the need to get to know people slowly and appropriately. I think it stems from the need to put it all up front so they can run away upfront if they want to, rather than waiting until I’m invested in them and then breaking my heart when they leave.

    • mm172001 January 20, 2015 at 8:33 PM #

      That sounds exactly like me, that and if you don’t get close they can’t leave you.

  3. manyofus1980 January 23, 2015 at 3:36 AM #

    What did you end up doing on the date? I read it ended early. I hope you weren’t too disappointed. What about going for a meal and having some good conversation for the fouth date? You like to eat out? Does she?

    • mm172001 January 23, 2015 at 9:37 AM #

      I’ll do some password posts on the dates. Thanks for the ideas for dates, I’ll keep them in mind.

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