2014, Good Riddance

31 Dec

2014 Was a rough year except the last two months.  Three hospitalizations, a month in partial, a couple rounds of IOP, some major medicine changes, the adding of the intensive case manager, and that’s just the “big” psych things.  It doesn’t include the darkest days of depression, anxiety so bad I’m dizzy and feel like I’ll pass out, relationships with friends and family, the struggle with trying to keep up with school, and just day to day living with severe mental illnesses.  As far as sexuality goes it was a big year too, I came out to my parents, I came out on Facebook, I started online dating, had infuriating and condemning conversations with family, had sex, going to Pride, trying to negotiate the world of not only communicating but communicating in a sense for dating and/or sex.  Those were the biggest things in my year.  It was also a big year around relationships with people, of course I can put the online dating in here but also trying to navigate the world of friendships and getting more comfortable with strangers at school.

With multiple disorders, the symptoms are constantly merging and morphing.  At the beginning of the year I was mostly struggling with depression and the voices.  After a hospitalization in February the voices seemingly disappeared and have stayed that way for the most part.  I was in shock for about a month.  I had lived with them so long they were a part of my everyday life and not all of them were bad.  It was lonely in my head and a few times I contemplated stopping the new medication.  Also came a whole new world of opportunities and expectations, when if  you tell people you hear voices they don’t expect too much out of you.  People still don’t understand depression and how disabling it can be but voices people just aren’t usually going to tell you to get over it.  The thing was… the depression was still there and it seemed worse than ever not having to share with the psychosis.  I hadn’t been in a depression this bad since my early 20’s when I had ECT.  I remember a friend recognizing how bad it was and I was like it can get worse and he seemed shocked.

With the new disappearance of the voices things were changing and I didn’t know how to cope and the voices weren’t there to offer direction.  I regretfully stopped the transition to moving out with family friend; it was too hard to be alone in the first few months of transition.  I got incredibly suicidal and hopeless because the one thing I though was most disabling was gone and I still wasn’t happy and having trouble functioning.  I had to go into IOP which conflicted with my school schedule and I had to withdraw from my Italian class, this led to me being but on Academic Probation for excessive withdrawls and gave a major hit to my already shaky sense of self.  With nothing to do I was deteriorating faster and ended up in partial for just about a month.

The one benefit that was while all this was going on and I was documenting it on my blog, a friend began to reach out to me and it’s one of the few times I felt like someone cared for me other than family or professionals (which I can rationalize, have to.)  Having someone to talk to, that wasn’t a schedule hour appointment or a family member that potentially could use it against me later was real good.  And adding one more person to the list of reasons to live, obviously didn’t hurt either.  While all my mood issues were going on I was also trying to navigate making friends in my LGBT group the 20 somethings and being true to my sexuality.  One morning there was an argument with my dad that made me feel like I had to go back into the closest and it wasn’t safe to be gay at home or have over anyone who was.  My dad makes his “jokes” all the time and his general sweeping statements but I never had it directed directly at me or my friends before and it was a serious jolt.  I actually didn’t attend my summer school class because this conversation took place the day before and I was still reeling from it.

Summer without a class, led to lots of free time; which I spent either in bed or with friends.  I’ve always struggled with low self esteem and have had friends who have used me so I was afraid this was happening again.  I hadn’t had a group of friends since my early 20’s.  When the depression lifted for a little while the personality disorders kicked in, full gear, especially with fears of people not liking me, judgement, abandonment, rejection, and using me.  I know I wrote many posts during that time trying to untangle who were my friends and what were their functions.  Between the anxiety I had a lot of fun though but it was short lived and as soon as the interaction was over I went back into a depressed anxious state, and sometimes social interactions didn’t even work.

With Fall came a sexual awakening in me, I don’t know if it was because I was less medicated or what, but suddenly I was interested in intimacy, woman, dating, sex, etc…  I got online and started talking to people, which led to a couple dates, some exchanging of numbers, and some sexual experience.  I feel like now that I’m back on more meds I need to fight to have that motivation and urges to do all that.  Towards the end of fall was the hospitalization that led to more meds and a much needed lift out of the depression.  I didn’t know what to make of it at first and I still don’t really.  Is it the meds?  Just recovery time after being in the hospital?  Did my mindset some how change?  I don’t know but I’m happy for the respite.

So goodbye 2014, and hopefully how these last two months have been is how the mood setting will be for 2015.  I look forward to attempting to take more units at school and see if I can withstand.  Starting a year long DBT program.  More times with friends and more online dating.  And possibly moving out.

4 Responses to “2014, Good Riddance”

  1. Astrid December 31, 2014 at 1:25 PM #

    Sounds like an eventufl year. I’m sorry that most of it was negative. Glad though that an online friend reached out to you and you were able to enlist one more person for support.

    • mm172001 December 31, 2014 at 6:56 PM #

      Thanks yeah it was a crappy year. My friend found out about my experiences by my blog but I know him in real life so it’s nice.

  2. manyofus1980 January 1, 2015 at 4:05 AM #

    Wow what a year! Heres to 2015 being a great year for you marcie. Happy new year! XX

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