Borderline tendencies

22 Dec

The last couple weeks or so have had a lot of borderline episodes and urges popping up.  From self harm urges when disappointed by people or let down.  The urge to go off.  Feelings of insecurity and jealousy.  Yesterday’s episode of destructiveness to the point where I had to cancel a date for my own good.  The urge to cling because of impending ending of relationships even if it’s over a year out.  So far it has just been urges and I have held back from acting on them.  But it’s really difficult having this all going on inside me and trying to pretend everything is okay on the outside.  Trying to be supportive and understanding.  Sitting with discomfort.

Today I was planning on hanging out with 20 something’s friend and another friend wanted to come too.  I didn’t really want him there because he’s a lot to handle and I wanted to spend time with just my friend, but I didn’t really know what to say, so I used my dad as an excuse.  I feel bad but I didn’t really know what to say.  Lately that’s been most the source of the jealousy.  I’m learning that different people have different relationships and they present in different ways.  It’s just hard sometimes to see people having so much fun together and a unique connection I’m not really capable of.  Also I feel like I contributed to the rekindling of the friendship, at the same time I’m trying to be the bigger person.  Plus I see parts of me in him, especially how I was when I was younger.

4 Responses to “Borderline tendencies”

  1. manyofus1980 December 23, 2014 at 2:12 AM #

    It is good that your recognising the tendencies. That is the first step! XX

    • mm172001 December 24, 2014 at 9:54 AM #

      Awareness has always been a strengtg of mine.

  2. myskinblues December 26, 2014 at 1:23 AM #

    I’m at an analogous stage – urges popping out and me trying to desperately avoid to act on them. It scares me a lot, but we have to stay strong.

    • mm172001 December 26, 2014 at 2:44 PM #

      Been there, I wish you the best with it.

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