Some Greek story

21 Dec

When I was involved with J. I was doing it purposely to destroy and hurt myself. I also knew he was unstable so the potential for him to go further was always there. It was exciting and technically I wasn’t doing the destroying. When I had moments of clarity I’d get rid of his number or swear to myself I wouldn’t contact him again. I even had my sister delete his texts and number out of my phone. Of course I just later tracked him down on the internet. It was a game and I didn’t care how hurt I got. Later when telling my psychiatrist about the draw to get back to the destructive behavior he told me some Greek mythology story about someone tying themselves to the mast at sea.
I went to that place again today. I knew I wasn’t safe but that was the fun and thrill in it. Luckily in that moment of clarity I canceled the date and took some Valium. I’m still a little concerned about destroying other more established relationships. So I guess it’s a night I gotta stay by myself and medicated to protect me from myself. Most people don’t see the darkness within me so they find it hard to believe what I’m capable of…. but I know. I’m getting better at stoping those urges, but I still have them and it’s scary and reminds me what I’m capable of.

One Response to “Some Greek story”

  1. manyofus1980 December 21, 2014 at 8:45 PM #

    The good thing is you stopped yourself. When you knew what you were doing, you didn’t go. Well done, I know that is hard not to do it, when your in that mode. XX

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