Evening Pages

7 Nov

On the 31 day Mental Health Challenge one of the things, that I never got around to, was to write for 10 minutes before you go to bed about whatever is bothering you.  My WordPress app is being glitchy so I actually had to get out of bed to do this, but it was this or some DBT worksheets or who knows maybe both.  I struggle with relationships with people, I don’t trust people, I’m particular about who I truly like, I always feel insecure and awkward.  Relationships are on my mind tonight.  Tomorrow is someone from group’s birthday and mine is in 5 days.  She is having a get together and then going to the gay bar later that evening.  I’d never really throw myself a party, not that type of person, but celebrate with a few people.  Anyways I’m not sure if I’m going to go, but then I don’t want to sit at home and do nothing and think about it.  So maybe I’ll go to part of the day stuff and me and lil sis already made plans to go to the drive inns tomorrow night.  Another thing that bothers me is 20 something’s friend didn’t get invited and when I’ve talked to this friend before she has mentioned hearing stuff about him from another friend… I don’t know if that’s the reason behind the not invite but it bothers me and makes me paranoid because I’m convinced people try to do that thing with me.  Also I’m feeling threatened 20 something’s friend and another friend are back friends again which is great for some reasons but really gets to me for others.  I’m trying to focus on why it’s a good thing they are back friends again and stop feeling threatened and like he’s trying to steal my friend away.  Sunday I’m suppose to see the girl from online dating, I haven’t seen her in weeks when we decided are status with each other.  I know it’ll be awkward because I’m not that great about picking up things and won’t know unless she blatantly states when we are being more friends and when it’s more about sex.  Honestly I’m hoping this weekend is about sex, hanging out is fine too.  I just feel like I have so much to catch up on.  She has bailed the last couple weekends which is making me wonder if this is really going to work.  I guess if it doesn’t work out I’ll just get on the app and start talking to new people.  I have so much on my plate already but I don’t think it’s part of my life I can deny anymore and I want to be confident or at least comfortable with my sexual stuff.  I suck at communication and assertiveness so most things just whirl around in my mind which can cause them to get out of control.

4 Responses to “Evening Pages”

  1. Janni Styles November 7, 2014 at 11:04 PM #

    Again, Marci, we seem to be having parallel experiences in our lives. Wishing you much success with everything you are trying to achieve and grow from. Relationships are the hardest, I find, always.

  2. manyofus1980 November 8, 2014 at 7:00 PM #

    happy early birthday hon. enjoy it. have fun with your friends and sister. xx

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