The parents post

22 Oct

parents

I have a severely limited memory, especially of my childhood.  I remember nothing before the age of 8.  I have less than a dozen distinct clear memories between age 8-12.  The memories I do have are not pleasant.  My first memory is around the age of 10, when after a particular bad verbal fight between my parents I tried to kill myself.  My parents always fought and argued whenever they were home together, which wasn’t very much.  All the fighting was behind closed doors and they seemed to get along well enough or ignore each other when other people were around.  My parents fought about everything from the trivial and insignificant to huge topics that needed to be addressed.  They also both fought about some things that really didn’t even exist, accusations that were sometimes ridiculous.  I don’t remember my parents ever getting physical with each other, but then again I don’t remember much…

Back to the first memory.  My parents were arguing and screaming at each other, me and my sisters were each in our rooms.  Of course we could hear the whole thing and I know we were mentioned by both sides.  While laying in my bed crying I had decided that my family and the world would be better off without me.  All I brought was more trouble.  I placed my pillow over my face and tried to suffocate myself… obviously unsuccessful.

There are more hit and miss memories of my parents fighting.  My mom leaving after arguments saying she was never coming back.  Sometimes she would threaten divorce or suicide but most times it was just I’m leaving.  She could be gone anywhere from hours to days… she almost always left us with my dad but I do remember a couple times when she took us (me and my sisters) with her.

When I hit about 12, my mom started binge drinking when my dad was gone.  My dad traveled a lot for business and then later pleasure. Any time my dad left for more than 24 hours my mom would start drinking.  From what I remember she just passed out and didn’t take care of us.  She wasn’t mean or violent, she just wasn’t there emotionally or physically.  Being the oldest I helped my younger sisters with homework, did the cooking, and me and my sister took turns lying to my dad when he would call and ask to talk to mom.  This kept up for 3 or 4 years until my dad found out and threatened to take us kids away if she ever drank again.

After the drinking things didn’t get much better, there was just now no excuse for my mom’s neglect and it was mostly just emotional.  My dad still traveled a lot almost only for pleasure now.  When they were home together they fought like crazy still.

I can’t remember my parents ever really taking care of me or comforting me.  I mean financially I have always been provided for but that’s about it.  When I was sad or sick, I was over reacting or just needed to get over it.  When my mom was drinking I was taking care of her and my sisters.  Maybe if my parents had been home more or present when they were home, I’d have a better memory of childhood.  In my mind I raised myself and couldn’t count on anyone and I still struggle with that today.  If no one took care of me then, why would they take care of me now?  That’s one of the big things with control and trust issues.

4 Responses to “The parents post”

  1. HopelesslyNoGood October 22, 2013 at 10:35 PM #

    Reblogged this on Lkg4btrlife's Blog.

  2. The Borg October 23, 2013 at 12:49 AM #

    thank you for sharing, I hope it was cathartic, I find getting these things out are xo

    • mm172001 October 23, 2013 at 7:04 PM #

      Sometimes…. seems like I’m just saying the same thing over and over. But I guess it still needs to be said.

  3. Brandon Smith May 14, 2014 at 1:10 AM #

    excellent post, I enjoyed reading it ^_^

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