A Contradictory day

2 Dec

2:30am Woke up after only 3 hours of sleep

4:30am Finally got out of bed because I was not falling back asleep

4:30-5:30am Hotmail, Facebook, and Farmville

5:30-8:30am Work on Christmas gifts for family

9am Voices start screaming

11:30 am Voice finally stop

12pm Phone appointment with case manager

1-4:30pm Lunch and Ice cream with mom

4:30pm Read email, Facebook, Farmville, look into hotels for mexico

7pm Blog

Rest of the night- Christmas shopping and wrapping, work on scrapbook, probably some more computer, and who knows.

 

I use to never sleep more than 4 hours a night I would sleep and wake in 2-4hour shifts throughout the day. Lately (fingers crossed) I’ve been sleeping a lot better.  I still wake up insanely early but go to bed between 7-9pm.  Last night I went to bed at 11:30pm, I was up working on Christmas presents.  I woke up around normal time (2:30am) but couldn’t get back to sleep.  After working on Christmas presents that involved finding some old pictures and writing childhood memories (of which I have few, and wouldn’t want to express in a Christmas gift) I got triggered.  I had to ask my parents a lot of questions as I wanted what I wrote and how I labeled pictures to be accurate.  This got me going on how I “see things” what I remember, what I suspect, and how I feel/felt about things.  which all are easy to be labeled “wrong” since I don’t have much memory to back it up and so much self-doubt and little confidence that I am constantly questioning if I have things accurate, if this even happened, why the hell would I make it up if it hasn’t happened, etc…  So I got the words “wrong” and “bad” screamed at me for about 2 hours.  I put on music to try to block part out, went in bed with the lights off so I wouldn’t be bothered, obviously I couldn’t sleep.  These things often happen when I haven’t slept well or don’t have the energy to fight it off.  I was freaking out because I knew about the phone appointment at noon and how would I explain what was going on, should I explain it, would she be able to tell something was going on.  I forgot to mention I had scratched my leg with my fingernails earlier to get some sort of relief, but I have no nails and it didn’t do much.  I told her what had been going on in the morning, a little bit about the triggers and direct things said to me and the scratching.  I was surprised that she thought I did a good job, I deal with situations like this in varying degrees quite a bit so it is different having an ‘outside’ opinion.  Its something I have to do, I don’t feel I have much of a choice just sometimes it’s dealt with better than others.    I guess it is almost ‘normal’ to deal with things like this for me and why it is difficult it isn’t something you normally talk about with people nor get any support or recognition for making it through mornings like todays.  I went to lunch with my mom afterward she took me to my favorite spot and then to ice cream.  the trip between lunch and ice cream took over 45 minutes because she wanted to take a ‘shortcut’ because of the traffic, worst part was I had to pee the whole time, we kept catching the red lights and it took us a longer route to get there.  I got home and went on the computer which I had only done early in the morning before all the shennanigans had started.  I got it all ready, read through my blog subscriptions, looked into a hotel for the Mexico trip, and checked out one of the freshly pressed sites on Christmas gifts for revenge, highly recommended.

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