I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
I went to gender group tonight and we were talking about the term trans* specifically with the asterisk and what people thought of it and whether it was inclusive or outdated or whatnot. Most everyone didn’t like it. I don’t really care one way or the other, but was surprised to see people had such strong opinions about it. I think it’s important to have a name for our community that doesn’t just include transgender men and transgender women, but also non-binary people, gender non-condorming people, gender queer, agender, gender variant, and all other people under the trans umbrella. I guess it is outdated, but there isn’t really anything else and I identify as gender variant and that’s not really well knows so I just say under the trans umbrella and then I have to explain what that means.
So I went to gender group tonight on Campus and as I was walking to my car, there was a bicyclist that was riding on the sidewalk. I don’t know maybe they were trying to park their bike, I will give them the benefit of the doubt. So I was trying to cross the sidewalk to get through another walking path when the bicyclist was like “Excuse me, Sir” and we managed not to crash into each other. Which was nice, I’ve already been hit on campus by a bicyclist before. Anyways, Not even wearing my binder or anything. Just normal clothes and my baseball hat and my glasses. But what I noticed it both times I’ve been male gendered I’ve had my glasses on, so maybe I should wear my glasses more frequently.
Quarter is winding down at college. I mentioned I signed up for 5 classes, which is a lot. I was sorta manic and 3 classes last quarter didn’t keep me busy enough. I’m not going to pass one, but I changed it from a graded class to a Pass-No Pass class. This is the first time I’ve never passed a class in my life. My identity and self-worth use to be so built around my intelligence I had a hard time once I started failing Greek, but I’ve sort of accepted it. I have all A’s and B’s in my other classes. I went to the NAMI Kick Off Luncheon Friday and they didn’t give me a star walker pin. You get a star walker pin for raising over $1,000; I raised over $2,000 last year. I actually had the courage to speak to one of the people in charge and they said they’s look into it. I should mark off assertiveness on my DBT Skills list.
All my in class finals are tomorrow and a large paper is due by 5pm. I should be working on it right now, but I’m not. I have a hard time working on things unless it’s crunch time or I’m with other people who are working on things too. I’ve taken 3 naps already today. My not taking my medication as prescribed is catching up with me. I haven’t been loading my pill chart, mostly out of laziness. So I’ve only been taking 1/2 of my mood stabilizers and 1/2 my PTSD meds and my sleep has been off at night; therefore I’m sleeping more during the day. Last night at 1am I took the extra meds I should normally take. I need to load my pill chart today.
Next quarter will only be 3 classes, it will be less stressful. Hopefully, busy enough to keep me motivated though. Next week is spring break, 20 somethings friend is coming! I’m so excited!
NAMI Walks 2017!
2016 Team Pic
2015 Team Pic
2014 Team Pic
NAMI Walks 2013
Coming into a notoriously rough month for me. Last therapy and counseling session have just been emotional and I don’t usually get emotional with the therapist because I don’t trust her. Yesterday I saw her. I was so tired, comes with the depression, and maybe the wear off of the weeekend hypomanic episode. I slept all but 3 hours of classes, an hour of therapy, an hour and a half of driving, about 45 mins of dinner, and 45 mins waiting for dinner. I’m not getting school work done, I’m not getting anything done. I haven’t been taking my medication as prescribed because I don’t have the energy to load my pill chart and/or sleep through doses. I didn’t even talk about the referral to the gender specialist yesterday. I did mention the bottom dysphoria from last week and that I went to a Trans rally over the weekend because the whole bathroom thing. Mostly we talked about my social situation, not having friends. Not being able to make friends and not really having social skills I talked about this with my case manager last week too. It’s really getting to me. I guess I’m getting closer to my planner friends but I really only see them once a month, thinking about joining their chat next month- when school calms down. I’m failing a class, and I care but I don’t again depression, I doubt I can pull off a passing grade but I’m thankful 20 somethings friend and my sister talked me into changing it into a Pass No Pass grading system. I’m taking 19 units on the quarter system right now which is a lot of classes. That’s all for now.
A lot has happened since I last posted but I’m trying to put that behind me and move on, maybe a retroactive update later
Today the gender dysphoria was strong. I looked in the mirror and I immediately had to look away. I got dressed in the corner so the walls couldn’t see me. The gender dysphoria that usually goes with my breasts was combined with the body dysphoria that I get with my weight sometime. However this is the first time I had gender dysphoria for my bottom half. It was strange. That’s why while I don’t fully identify as trans I want to leave my options open. I feel like I’ve lived in a certain environment where certain things weren’t even allowed to be thought about until now.
I feel life going and it’s just kinda going in circles, sometimes I think I am making progress and then something happens and I think the progress that I made, I didn’t make. I changed my Greek to a Pass-No Pass status which was a good thing because I failed the Midterm. I don’t think I have ever failed anything I have ever tried in my life before, granted I didn’t try as hard as I could. I’m still okay with it though because I got a zero on a part that I didn’t have any idea on so when I subtracted that out I didn’t do that bad. Maybe I’m just rationalizing it, I don’t know. I can’t drop the class, so I just need to pass it. Things are still real difficult on the social front and it’s getting harder to pretend it just doesn’t bother me. I’m okay with a lot of time alone and my family lives close by so thats okay. But it’s just frustrating trying and failing, even though I know I’m not good at this. Like the people say their the ones missing out but when I don’t see myself that way then, I just see myself lacking.
It’s been one of those days, one of those weeks. Where I’m frustrated that I don’t have an ASD diagnosis because I didn’t fit the criteria as a kid. It’s been fucking with my functioning this week. I’ve messed up a few social cues. And I’m curious. I have some Aspergers followers out there or people on the Spectrum that “cope” and appear normal enough. I don’t mean this to come off rude, I know they took aspergers out of the DSM5 thats why I want to cover aspergers and the spectrum but I’m mostly referring to more of the higher functioning people who for lack of a better word pass as normal most time.
That’s me. And I know the goal after you get an ASD diagnosis is therapy to help cope with daily living and be able to live productively, get social skills, don’t have meltdowns, learn to deal with sensory issues, etc. etc. I just don’t understand that if I was forced to do this as a kid because of a chaotic home environment how I can’t have the diagnosis. I essentially learned most the skills they try to teach out of necessity. Now on my own, I’ve regressed a bit plus I’m managing a bunch of other shit so honestly I don’t have the energy for all that normative passing stuff. But I’m still upset that the doctor won’t give me the diagnosis because as a child I didn’t meet the criteria till i was 11 or so.
I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me. I’m having a hard time with my classes, for the first time in my life. I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable. And roundy round goes the pattern. I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now. I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.
I don’t fail, or do I?