30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

Continue reading

18 Nov

The more I think. The more hopeless and apathetic I get. I know apathetic is a lack of feeling but I mean hopeless as a thought. It’s getting worse. I don’t want to end up in the hospital because of effects it’ll have on transitioning. Of course not being alive could have effects too. I’m not that desperate… yet.

Protected: A life worth living

16 Nov

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16 Nov

I’m starting to struggle again.  It started with a panic attack Thursday night and the “hangover” effects and depression that have continued since.  I’ve been trying to sleep (mostly) or distract when I have to stay awake, or I get panicky, overwhelmed and suicidal.  It mostly has to do with the future and it’s pretty much paralyzing me in the present which is effecting my future.  I’m not sure about grad school, I have a real hard time with motivation and doing work alone.  I love the academics but can’t self-motivate or hold myself accountable very well.  Along with that is that I have signed up to take the GRE the first weekend in December and have done no studying even though I did horrible on the practice test.  I know I need to do it, but for some reason I can’t force myself to sit down and do it.  So maybe I can’t continue in school.  Am I able to work now?  I’ve done it once and the result to my mental health was detrimental.  What would I do?

I’ve finally got the okay to come out to my other family members from my mom.  She still doesn’t think it’s a good idea.  Well I’m not looking forward to it either, but I need to tell my dad and lil sis so I can be out completely and not worry about someone telling them before I do, and so I can make changes I want.  I plan on doing it after the holidays.  That’s causing some anxiety too.

I went to a name change workshop Monday, on how to legally change my name.  They walked me through it and helped me fill out the forms.  Now they are ready when I’m ready to file.

Since not doing well, I haven’t been to most my classes and things for college, like an academic advising appointment.  I spend most my time in my room in bed, usually sleeping but sometimes awake just worrying.  I don’t know what to do to get out of this episode.

I feel like after typing this just going to bed and not doing more schoolwork and trying to jam it in tomorrow or just hope for the best for the quiz. It’s 7pm.

Since I’m Avoiding Homework

2 Nov

25 Get to Know Me Questionss

1. What is your middle name?:

New one to be: James

2. What was your favorite subject at school?

Math- pre college.  Languages-college

3. What is your favorite drink?:

Pumpkin Spice Latte or Red Bull

4. What is your favorite song at the moment?

what about us by pink

5. What is your favorite food?: 

Anything sweet

6. What is the last thing you bought?

minimal groceries

7. Favorite book of all time?

hitchhikers guide to the galaxy

8. Favorite Color?:

Blue

9. Do you have any pets?:

No

10. Favorite Perfume?

None.  Have SPD, smells really bother me

11. Favorite Holiday?:

Halloween, then daylight savings time ending 😉

12. Are you married?

No

13. Have you ever been out of the country, if so how many times?:

Mexico, Canada, Australia, Caymen Islands

14. Do you speak any other language?

Spanish, Italian, American Sign Language, French, and a little bit of Ancient Greek

15. How many siblings do you have?:

Two sisters

16. What is your favorite shop?

Michaels

17. Favorite restaurant?

Thai Chili

18. When was the last time you cried?

About a week ago

19. Favorite Blog?:

I have a few

20. Favorite Movie?

Drop Dead Fred and Lilo and Stitch

21. Favorite TV shows?

Shameless

22. PC or Mac?:

Mac

23. What phone do you have?

I have an iphone six

24. How tall are you?

5′ 6″

25. Can you cook?

Somethings

 

Not sure I’ll sleep tonight

26 Oct

Today was my nephew’s 1st birthday, it was also the first day I got my testosterone shot.  I got it late in the day and have since had an energy drink to be able to stay up and do homework and now I feel as if I won’t sleep.  Hopefully it’s a passing feeling.  I was going to write a blog the other day about preferred names and I had it titled but never got around to writing the content.  I’ve had more than a couple situations lately where I’ve been told that they must use my name on my drivers license.  While volunteering at a local elementary school not only does it have that name on it, but my drivers license photo which is pre-transition.  It has me thinking about just legally changing the name and not the gender and getting a new drivers license and credit cards and all that.  I’m not ready to legally change my gender yet, heck I just started testosterone today.  But having people I don’t know starting to use my birth name is counter productive to what I’m trying to do.  At the school I just go by Ty and use my sunglasses to cover up the name and photo.  I’m still okay with some people still using my old name, mostly because not all family knows yet and I don’t want to be assertive cuz i lack those skills.

At different rates

18 Oct

I feel like some people I know come out as transgender and then transition so fast: get on hormones, legally change their name and gender, it’s just so fast.  With me it’s been a year already and I’m not even on testosterone yet.  I will be in less than month probably but I feel left behind or maybe not as legitimate.  I’m also not ready to legally change my name and gender, my whole family doesn’t even know I go by a different name yet.  I don’t correct people who call me by my birth name that knew me before.  It makes me second guess if this is all real.  But on the other hand I know it’s real because the dysphoria is getting more intense and while I don’t push my name and gender on people it makes me happy when people get it right, even if it’s sort of wrong.  Like in class the other day, a classmate gave me a paper with the wrong name on it, but it was a male name.  It’s just kinda frustrating transitioning at an older age, getting your BA at an older age, moving out from your parents at an older age.  I feel like I’m behind on everything but I just got to remember we all do things at different rates.

Some updates

11 Oct

We are in week 3 at school right now.  It is interesting as I feel like I live in two different worlds there is my school and trans world where I am Ty and then my home and hometown world where I am Marci.  I sometimes forget where I am and just default to Marci, this happened at a college placement last night, where I had to scratch out my name and initials and redo them.  The school has my name as Ty and I probably wouldn’t get my volunteering hours.  I’m not sure how much longer I will have to keep this separate, my mom doesn’t want me to tell my dad until at least next year.  I don’t think I can go much longer than that.

I just started using male pronouns.   It’s similar to when I changed my preferred name, I hear it and it takes awhile for it to click in my brain that they are talking about me.  I hope I get better at recognizing it and getting used to it, like I have with the name.  I still sometimes don’t respond to my preferred name though.  My reasoning for using male pronouns is strange- it is that I don’t like female pronouns or being identified as female.  Hardly anyone does third person pronouns (they, them) so it’s the choice left over.

Things are going good.

Pissed. Rant over

2 Oct

I’m so mad right now, and mad is a very censored way of saying how I feel.  A mass shooting happened in Las Vegas last night and the voices love mass shootings.  When I found out about it, I immediately tried to stay away from the news and let the voices know it wouldn’t interest them as it wasn’t their usual focal points: family oriented, on a school campus, or targeted towards the LGBT community.  That got me through class, until they found out how many people were killed then all games were off.  Luckily I only had one class, so I went home and took 1/2 a Latuda and a Valium hoping to nip this in the bud.  After a 4 hr twilight slumber/episode I goy up and attempted to start my day.  I did some reading that took longer than usual because of foggy- headiness that comes with the drugged feeling.  I did 1/2 of it with the intention of doing the rest in the morning.  I went to take my nighttime meds and lo and behold.  I hadn’t taken my morning meds or last nights meds.  I’m so pissed, if I had remembered my meds I may not have had an episode that caused for emergency meds.  And the reason I miss my meds is because of long term memory loss side effects of ECT treatments which were for my mental illness.  This thing just feeds upon itself.  Rant over.

MIAW 2017

1 Oct

Today’s the first day of Mental Illness Awareness Week.  I posted a quick thing on one of my FB pages and should probably on my older more popular one, but we’ll see.  It was the juvenile diabetes walk today so I saw high school friend and that crowd.  I was talking with one friend out of that crowd about what specifically schizoaffective disorder is and what makes is different from schizophrenia and what makes it different from mood disorders.  She also asked me how I was doing since I transferred to the university and I was honest about the couple of psychotic episodes, but not enough to get hospitalized we just managed with increasing medication.  It’s refreshing being able to be so open now and not feeling like I have to hide what is such a big part of my life.

And then at ice cream later with some planner friends, I mentioned being exempt from jury duty for life.  I wasn’t as comfortable as saying my psychiatrist wrote the note, but that a note had written every year since I was eligible and he keeps writing me out and now exerted me for life.

Dysphoria- bodies and other weird shit

25 Sep

I feel like I have 3 bodies. My girl body, boy body, and in between body. I can’t access the boy one because of the weight, my pain, and current binders, and I just only sometimes pass to myself which I guess is a start. My inbetween is where I can stay at if I do gender to be trans but when feeling depressed and lying around the house a lot like I am right now I’m not doing anything. So here I am stuck in the girl body and today and last night I was having PTSD flashbacks. I almost wonder if they only happen then because I never recall them happening when I’m confident and feel right it may just be coorolaration though. Almost makes me wonder if it’s worth going inbetween to stop these flashbacks.