I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
I’m overwhelmed. I did it to myself and I’m not surprised, but I also think I can stick it out and enjoy it while not stressing out what everyone else thinks. Along with that I ran into some unexpected financial issues because I just realized I spent all my checking account that’s in the bank. That’s okay because I have money that’s not in the bank; yes, I’m one of these people. But really how did I spend over $2,000? Anyways, now this weekend I got to go home to put money in the bank so I can pay my credit card and I was trying not to go home this weekend because I feel like I am drowning at school. Monday I see the therapist so maybe on the way to the therapist’s office; since I’ll be close to home. I got so overwhelmed with this financial stuff and how I am just not succeeding at life that I took one of my valium to just go to sleep and not deal with it for awhile, I set my alarm for 4pm. I had a support group at 5pm. My psychiatrist would be disappointed in me, maybe the therapist but not my case manager. I could of took all 4 valium (all I had) or them plus all my other pills (yes I considered it for a quick sec.) I could of told myself to time for rest like I have in the past and self harmed to have the energy to write the paper that’s due tonight and probably fake okay to the group I never ended up going to. The weather is super rainy stormy in California; what we need after our years of Drought but I’m not in the mood to get real clothes on and then rain clothes just to go out for 2 hours when I don’t really feel like socializing. I still didn’t manage crying- the tears are locked somewhere- within the resolute “I can do this, this is nothing” facade. I imagine I made right the choice, no mater what it was the choice I made, off to do homework.
- Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
One opened, one closed
- Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
- Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
Out, can’t stand tucked in sheets, must always unmake the bed it feels claustrophobic
- Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
- Do you like to use post-it notes?
Yes, I collect them in fact
- What is your biggest pet peeve?
- Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
- Is it okay for guys to wear pink as a color?
yes, of course
Whats your least favourite movie?
Horror or suspense movies that scare me.
What do you drink with dinner?
What is your favorite food?
what movie could you watch over and over and still love?
Drop Dead Fred
Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
Favourite kind of sandwich?
Best thing to eat for breakfast?
Life Cereal or Oatmeal
What is your usual bedtime?
Are you lazy?
How many languages can you speak?
5, English, Spanish, Italian, French, and ASL- Learning Ancient Greek now
Do you sing in the shower?
No, I take baths and I don’t sing in them either
Is Christmas stressful?
It can be
Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Do you believe in ghosts?
Ever been in love?
Who would you like to see in concert?
Bruno Mars and of corse Evercleafr anytime he is near Sac.
Hot tea or cold tea?
Tea or coffee?
Ever had plastic surgery?
Do you want to get married?
Do you want kids?
Yes but not bio, don’t want to pass on mental illness and afraid of going off meds and post part psychosis and killing them.
Whats your favourite colour?
Do you miss anyone right now?
Things you cannot leave the house without?
Do you drink energy drinks?
Yes, red bull
Do you drink juice?
Only POG when in Hawaii or camping
Do you eat fries with a fork?
Chili cheese fries
What is your middle name?
What was favorite subject at school?
What is your favorite drink?
What is your favorite song at the moment?
Don’t have one
What is the last thing you bought?
Planner supplies at Michaels
How many siblings do you have?
When was the last time you cried?
Favourite TV shows?
PC or Mac? I like both have a Macbook pro right now for school
What phone do you have?
An I phone 5
How tall are you?
Can you cook?
Yes, but I’d rather bake
Things are going well. I’m into my 3rd day of the new quarter here in college. I already like it much better than last quarter. Taking more classes I thrive as the structure helps keep me accountable and busy- last semester there was just too much down time. I bought a binder to begin wearing this year, when it came in the mail and I saw it I was like “Yikes!” it looked so small, especially around the stomach area. I’ve been wearing it for 4 days now; usually only the first half the day while I’m in my classes. There is some discomfort when walking and I can’t slouch, which may be a good thing. But I really like the way I look. I want to buy a few more, as I just bought one since they are sort of expensive and I wasn’t sure how I’d take to it. The thing is it’s really hot, which is fine in this rainy wet weather we are having now, but what happens once hot summers come? I also found new boxer briefs that don’t ride up and practically become like woman underwear. I bought 4 more mens shirts and my dad just gave me some more money for the month. I think I’ll buy another couple shirts.
My classes this semester are 2nd quarter Greek, 4th quarter Spanish, New Testament in Greek, Upper Division Writing, and Gender, Language and Society. There are 5 classes but the New Testament class is just one hour, once a week. I also have an ungraded connection that meets once a week around the common interest of being a Future grad student. I’ll be pretty busy this quarter.
Counseling will probably be cut to every other week so I can go to gender group, also because I’m doing well right now. If I start to have problems we may change apps to Friday or I may go later on Wednesdays and skip Gender group sometimes. When I see the therapist at the end of the month I’m going to ask her AGAIN about when I will have a consult with the gender therapist, I know I was in crisis in November and then in December she had to cancel because she was sick but I’m running out of patience. I just found out today my psychiatrist has a reminder set to have a phone appointment with me on the 20th, then we will talk about reducing the Latuda we had to increase at the end of November because of the psychotic symptoms.
Yes, maybe just yes. I gotta see what more I can do in regards to my gender identity/dysphoria stuff. Last session with the therapist was canceled because she was sick. I don’t see her now till the end of January. I got a sports bra and started wearing it a lot of December to get use to wearing bras again. When I get home from vacation I’m going to look into buying a binder. Having to dress up a lot on this trip and lil sis’ comments on my lack of feminist things being “gross” like not shaving my legs were sort of annoying. I want to be more me, more often. But I need to be able to be more independent if things go south and while I plan on that, I’m not there yet. Also everyone wants things to move so freaking slow, I’m going to be 35 this year and I feel like I don’t have time to waste and their just wasting their time testing me. This is how I am, I’ll always be, I handle things, crisis to crisis as they apprear, whatever gender I am or in between.
Today at the grocery store I got some strange looks. Dirty looks and then the “oh…” look. I wonder how sometimes people see right through me and other times. It takes forever for anyone to ever know anything is wrong. I guess it’s not socially acceptable behavior, my clothing, pushing a shopping cart with 4 items in it and 4 gift cards in the 15 items or less line. Whatever…
Sine the increase of the Latuda I have been doing much better. I’m still feeling the increase effects, so mind slow and sleepy so I am overcompensating with caffeine (Red Bull and Starbucks) unfortunately the increase had to be made the week before finals, but hey what can you do. Probably in a week or two my body will just and I’ll no longer feel the mind slow or extra sleepiness and be able to lay off the extra caffeine, plus school will be out so not much will be going on anyways.
I’m worried about going back home for break. Less structure usually means worsening of depression symptoms. Being home means less experimenting with/exploring gender identity. But there is more people looking at me, so I doubt I can stay too inactive and let myself fall apart too much. I just don’t want to un-grow.
I haven’t needed the extra DBT skills since the Latuda increase, but have a feeling I’ll need them when I’m home on break. I’ll still have my apartment so maybe some time I will come here to get away. I hope to get off the extra Latuda by the end of January, but that may not be realistic- we’ll see once school starts up.
I attended a thing on different types of attraction yesterday that the LGBTQIA center put on yesterday for Asexual Awareness Day. I’m trying to figure out things and for now I’m thinking gay grey A and biromantic. I’m not sure how it will fit in with my gender identity and all that but for the most part I’m more attracted to women. And I still identify more as woman if you make me chose a binary, but gender variant under the trans* umbrella otherwise.
Just got off the phone from my psychiatrist and it’s just what I needed. I had no intent to go to classes today. I couldn’t sleep again last night with the voices and the paranoia and when the thoughts started to turn to sleeping under the bed to hide “just in case” I got out of bed and took some extra PRN Latuda and Valium. This helped me get to sleep, but unfortunately I woke up with nightmares that Trump had declared war and drafted all the men to go to war. When I got up to go to class I managed to take a shower. I really needed one, since Monday I just wore a snow hat and pajamas to school. However, that put me over the edge and once dressed for school I became fearful and crawled back into bed. I set my alarm for my 2nd class but near time to attend, turned it off and resent it for a trans clothing fair I hope to go to. My psychiatrist called and we are upping my antipsychotic Latuda by 1/2 which is what I have PRNing on a regular basis until I feel less vulnerable and more confident in DBT skills. He wants me to not associate taking a pill with the behavior which is fine, as long as I have some medical relief. I will also be using my coping skills I use- mostly DBT to deal with what voices, paranoia, and distress break through. And yes some always break through. Medication is no cure. During thanksgiving break I’ll go through my packets and go over some skills. My psychiatrist wasn’t me to set up a phone session with the therapist to go over how DBT skills are working with this stuff. So far I have the music skills I’ve been using and rationalizing. It’s been 2 years without voices so I need to re-look through my skills.
Safety plans in place, and I guess I got my psychiatrist all worried. So I saw my case manager on Friday and told her legit what was going on, and also that I was NOT going to go to the hospital. I told her I told the therapist what was going on but not how bad it was, because she doesn’t know me as well and probably would’ve hospitalized me based on my symptoms. I wrote my psychiatrist a message earlier in the week about my symptoms and he talked to my case manager and the therapist and he’s all freaked out and made an appointment for me next Friday. My case manager was talking about how he was invested in me and worried, lol. I think he’s just frustrated we found some meds that finally worked and now they’re now working again. My sister is holding on to my extra pills, so I don’t have them at my apartment- I’ve been extra suicidal so that’s part of me trying to be safe. I also put a Trans crisis line in my cell phone. My case manager reminded me she’ll be off this week for thanksgiving, but to feel free and call for an emergency appointment the next week and she’ll get me in. Although I gave my sister the extra pills, I put in my chart some extra PRN of Latuda (my anti-psychotic) and Valium in case the voices get to bad and I need to calm down. Just 3 more weeks of school to get through. Then 5 weeks of vacation, and I don’t care if I have to go to the hospital then- I mean I prefer not to but it’s a hell of a lot better than missing finals. Hopefully during winter break the symptoms let up, or I can adjust.
I had an appointment with the therapist today. It went okay I guess. I looked presentable and I didn’t get hospitalized. I didn’t tell her how bad things really were but I did tell her all of my symptoms. She asked if the gender specific therapist contacted me and I said no; she said she’d follow up again and I should get an e-mail. That will let me know what I will need to do in order to get top surgery. Looks like I’m going to have to play the game. I mentioned my dislike of the idea of binding and the likely possibility it will trigger dysphoria and the therapist just made some comments about having to do it. Maybe when I see the real gender specific therapist I can explain to her what I want and how I identify. I didn’t go to class today. I need to get a paper done, that I haven’t started that’s due Friday. It’s okay I work best under pressure.
Gender identity changes made so far:
- No longer carrying a purse
- No longer getting toenails painted
- Wearing all male clothing
- Got rid of all female clothing other than bathing suit
- Got rid of make up
- Got rid of jewelry other than class ring and sentimental stuff