30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

Continue reading

I should probably be doing something else…

18 Oct

I’m tired and my back hurts.  It’s been a long day, I set my alarm for 6:30am and have had no naps, I stayed at school all day and took my laptop and some planner accessories both to study for the midterm and to keep me busy during my break.  I think it was too much stuff for my backpack, my back is killing me.  I think I did okay on the midterm, time will tell.  It’s a class where the midterms is 30% of your grade so hopefully.  I actually did study and go over things quite a bit.  I’ve been taking cold medicine to fight off what might turn into a cold/the flu.  Today I wore some new jeans my mom bought me, they were suppose to be exactly like another pair just black; but after 2 hours of wearing them I realized they were skinny jeans.  I’m glad my sensory processing disorder keeps me kinda disconnected from my body because it helps with the gender dysphoria.  Now I’m just going to donate the pants.  So I have one pair of jeans, I need to buy another pair and I hate shopping.  This weekend. I think I’m just going to buy in the mens department.  I’ve thought about switching to boxer-briefs so I might pick up that too.  I think the only reason I’m awake is I had an energy drink and starbucks today.  I want to go to sleep but I need to do some Greek homework; either tonight or set the alarm early and do it in the am.  It’s a going through the motions kind of day.

Trans progress

17 Oct

Today was a really good day, despite the fact that I think I’m catching a cold. I had an appointment with the therapist, first one since school started. I told her about my difficulty with the women’s honor society and how I decided not to apply. I also asked what would be the steps for top surgery. She lined up some intense ones about being trans but she knows I don’t identify as trans. But not as cis either. Luckily I know the consult therapist so I can try to explain gender variant if not. I’m willing to go through most the steps to get what I want. I do have gender dysphoria. I think testosterone would mess with my moods but I’d be willing to try it if I had to. I won’t bind, wearing a bra or tight shirts triggers the dysphoria by reminding me my breasts are there. I could care less on pronouns whatever is easiest for the other person at this stage I have no preference. So we’ll see how the consult goes. I also told my sister today, she took it good. That was good, though I figured she would 

Despite the tears

12 Oct

I went to one class Tuesday and a social event at the LGBTIAQ center.

I went to class today, acted happy with my sister, and held back tears when I didn’t have a partner to converse with at a metal health club meeting I went to.

Lets see what tomorrow brings…

Did I mention my first midterm is in less than a week and I don’t see my case manager until two of my midterms are over?


11 Oct

I’ve decided not to try to apply for the Women’s honor society at my college.  It’s too maligned with my gender and the gender identity issues that are going on right now.  I don’t want to dress up, I don’t want to play female and I don’t want to do this when I’m not sure how masculine I might be down the line.

It’s happening

11 Oct

It’s happening… I knew it would.  I’ve been falling into slumps on Sunday but so far have been managing to pull myself out of them.  This week it continued on Monday when I locked my keys in my apartment, was dismissed by my primary physician, and had 3 of my roommates go out to dinner w/o even saying anything to me.  I went to bed disappointed and woke up fully depressed.  I didn’t go to my first two classes today and just laid in bed and cried, no one notices here.  No one to push me out like at home.  I got up for the last one because she lectures so much and I just can’t miss that class.  It’s good I went we talked about the topic I’m writing my paper on.  It’s the 4th week, although I’ve been to many club and group meetings I’ve made no friends.  Two of my roommates talk to me sometimes, but I need to make the effort and I think they just don’t want to be rude and ignore me.  I like my classes and I’m busy with them and attending clubs but it’s like I thought, I haven’t made any friends.  I miss 20 somethings friend and I’m thinking about asking him if it’s okay if I go down their for my birthday weekend- my family will be gone anyways.  I spend time with them on the weekend or at planner events.  Hopefully this is just an off couple of days

World Mental Health Awareness – I Don’t Want Awareness (I Want Acceptance)

10 Oct Featured Image -- 206386

We need more acceptance

Anonymously Autistic

I have written my entire blog around the theme of being “Anonymous” because many Autistic people are invisible, unseen and anonymous in the world. Autism is an “invisible disability” meaning you can’t tell someone is Autistic unless you ask them (or know Autism VERY well and are paying close attention).

People have awareness of Autism – they know exists, they know that Autism is a popular conversation, and it’s prevalence seems to be increasing. In 2014 it was estimated that 1 in 68 children (1 in 42 boys and 1 in 189 girls) are diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD).

People know that Autistic children can have trouble in school and may be prone to meltdowns, but they don’t understand what causes a meltdown. Being aware that Autism exists and having acceptance of Autistic people are two very different things.

Today is World Mental Health Awareness day – but today I am NOT…

View original post 608 more words

World Mental Health Day 2016

10 Oct

Today is World Mental Health Day.  If you had told me a few years ago that I would be moved out from my parents house, going to a 4 year university and hadn’t been in the hospital for almost 2 years I would have thouworld-mental-health-day-10-october-earth-globe-in-handsght you had to be kidding me.  I am amazed at the progress I have made in the last two years.  With four official diagnoses, 8 prescription medications, and a few appointments a month I’ve managed to stay stable for the first time in 10 years.  My counseling appointments are decreasing from every week to every two weeks or sometimes three.  I have few self harming urges and while the suicidal thoughts still come and go; I don’t have the urge to act on them like I use to and tend not to ruminate.  I used to think that I would be trapped in my lower state of functioning for the rest of my life, I hung on mostly for other people and out of guilt.  Now (most times) I actually look forward to the future.  I anticipate flare ups and relapses, I know I have acute chronic illnesses.  But I am enjoying the moment and success I have right now.

It’s been a few days

26 Sep

It’s been a few days.  Today was really my first try at being social at school, I went to two group things alone.  One went really well and the other one not so much, I think I was just tired from the energy of the first one.  So I went to a gender group it was kinda small, not gender oriented specific like the last one and about 1/3 of the size.  It felt very chill, I liked it.  The last one was a sorority, I’m not sure I will like it but I’ll give it another chance tomorrow.  It is a social justice sorority based on LGBTQIA people.  Today I only had my Greek class and went back home to get some stuff for Disneyland trip this weekend.  I Facebook messaged 20 somethings friend quite a bit that was nice, I look forward to seeing him this weekend.  Surprisingly I got a 10/10 on my Greek quiz, I wasn’t that confident.  I don’t think a couple of my roommates like me.  The shower issue is still bothering me, I know I have to take on in a couple days.  At least this weekend the hotel room has a bathtub.  School wise things are going well.  Living wise, so-so.  Social wise, so-so.  Check in later.

SPD and moving away

24 Sep

When I talk about my diagnoses, I always say my primary are schizoaffective and BPD because they affect my life the most my other two currently diagnosed are PTSD and SPD.  Most people don’t even know what SPD is and although I meet all the criteria for PTSD we don’t know my trauma, weird much.


Moving out of my parents house for the first time at age 33 has set off some sensory issues this week.  I took a shower for the first time in nearly two years.  I HATE SHOWERS! One of my sensory issues revolves around my hands getting wet, and wet hands touching things, at home I had a bath tub.  While in inpatient setting I was forced to take a shower so it is not like I have never taken a shower before but the longest I’ve been there is 13 days.  I will live in this place a year.  In a week period I got away with taking one shower and driving home to take one bath, but I know this is not a long term solution.  My hair was very dirty.  I can’t use dry shampoo because the smell also bothers me.  I got use to washing my hair in the bath tub with my hands so I assume I will get use to showers but man this is torture at first.  Lil sis has some sensory issues too, but is anti-psychiatry and thus undiagnosed and I am unsure if she meets criteria but gave me the tip of bringing a gym towel in the shower with me to wrap my hands in and keep them dry until I need to wash my hair then throw it out quick and wash my hair.  That won’t help issues like water pressure but it’s a start.


Last night I went to an event with my roommates on campus, I ended up taking a separate car because I wasn’t done with dinner by the time they left.  I kinda already feel a little left out by them, but maybe it’s my paranoia.  I was good for the first hour and a half and then the live band music got too loud for my sensory issues and I had to leave.  I felt lame and embarrassed.  I don’t really know how to explain it to my roommates, if I should, and this is really just the tip of the iceberg in regards to my mental illness.  All 5 of my roommates are either psychology or sociology students and one is taking abnormal psych this semester.  I mentioned my sensory processing disorder early on and of course no one knew what it was in adults.  When I described it was a common co-occuring disorder in children with autism like kids who have difficulties with certain textures of clothes and have tags cut off t-shirts a couple nodded. It was very simple.  So it’s not like they have no introduction.

Somewhere between anxiety and panic

16 Sep

I hadn’t thought about the ASD evaluation in awhile because right on it’s heels followed the gender issues. I was very upset that I didn’t get an autistic spectrum diagnosis pretty much because I didn’t meet all the symptoms when I was young and I was a helpful child; although I doubt my mom through in her drinking problem. But I was even helpful before then. It seems all my symptoms appeared in my teenage years and though they impair my functioning mostly social and like regular things since I wasn’t showing symptoms since a baby I’m not autistic. The evaluator said I should be happy, I think he’s an asshole. I’ve never prossessed how I really felt about it because of gender stuff pushing to the center. But when your body and mind don’t work like most of societies it’s hard.
Most the research in ASD is in children. I think that eventually there will be a delayed diagnosis or adult diagnosis ASD. Just like when society thought kids couldn’t have mood disorders and adults would grow out of their attention disorders. 
If any of my followers are on the spectrum or with mental illness in general. How do you cope with big transitions like moving out? Responsible for all your adult daily activities now (shower, teeth brushing, cooking, cleaning)? And scariest socializing?