30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

Continue reading

17 Jul

I’ve accomplished a lot today but still I feel empty. No real interaction I guess, that’s probably why. Tonight’s webinar was on trauma informed care. I’m not sure how I’ll do I can’t even seem to cope with the word or say it. While it was explained we were not suppose to do trauma work. Some trauma specific skills in work were mentioned. And some consequences or effects of not working on trauma were mentioned. The list was everything from last time I had the episode and never really resolved it. I was also partially dissociating through the webinar but it’s recorded. I’m not sure how to explain how I feel a combo of numb and empty which doesn’t sound possible. Well whatever it is, it sucks. And I’m not sleepy!

A non-passworded update

15 Jul

Sorry about all the password protected posts, PTSD and my trauma are things I don’t want to put out there for just anyone to read.

Even though my case manager will be gone for 3 weeks, I still manage to have a psych appointment every week, at least through the end of July.  (Between all my psych providers; I have 3)

I was going through my medical record the other day trying to find my blood pressure from a last visit and found out that in my medical record it says my depression and mood disorder are in remission as of 2016.  I thought that was interesting, and I wonder now what it will say considering I was just in Partial.  Although the Partial was more for PTSD which isn’t even among the diagnoses neither is psychosis.

I’ve felt better most days, although somewhat bored which can lead to loneliness and a bad cycle.  The flashbacks and dissociation have been diminishing.  The therapist wants me to keep my DBT Diary Cards along with tracking Flashbacks and Dissociation, I see her in two weeks.

Protected: Putting things together

14 Jul

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Here, There, No Where?

10 Jul

It’s hard to tell where I am.  During the day I feel a blank, apathetic eerie feeling.  I guess I’m just going through the motions.  I appear to be coping fine and if you ask me I will reassure you everything will be okay.  Then night hits and I fall apart.  I don’t know exactly how to explain this either except it is also apathetic but more in a give up sort of way and extremely overwhelmed and often anxious.  Now I feel like I can’t do anything and more so I probably won’t bother and that doesn’t matter.  I mean it does on some level, because I will be letting so many people down but to me, it doesn’t really matter.

The PTSD stuff seems to be on the back burner as I am more in autopilot.  I see that shifting soon.  I don’t want to live in a bubble, but I also don’t want to live triggered and struggling.  Decisions.

My case manger is going on vacation in a week for 3 weeks, it’s not a long time considering we were at appointments every two weeks.  But since I haven’t seen her for a long time because of Partial and vacations and because I’m not doing well, I’m bummed.

Anxious

9 Jul

I just want to go in and scoop all my insides out. The rapidly beating heart, the stomach churning, my lungs not getting enough air. Everything is wrong in there, just take it all out.

Carry on.

7 Jul

I’m back from my vacations and back to reality.  Back to dealing with everything that brought me into Partial and got me dropped out of school.  Massive appointments to deal with that.  Then have to deal with being subject to academic disqualification, returning financial aid, and all the academic side of things… more appointments plus forms, letters, and such.

It’s a good thing I’m back on my antidepressants or I would care less and wouldn’t even be doing any of these things, screw the consequences.  It just seems so much work and I’m still struggling.  And all the academic stuff has deadlines, creating more stress.

 

Carry on, I guess.  Carry on.

Never good enough

5 Jul

I was trying to get by as least symptomatic as possible since I’m on vacation with 20 somethings friend.  I have a lot of stuff to take care of when I get back home, regarding school and all.  Mostly I’ve been able to put that aside.  What’s been bugging me though has been body dysphoria, I have lost weight (I think) I don’t weigh myself.  I changed to pant sizes down.  But my dad is super critical and always telling everyone about weight and eating habits.  After spending 5 days with him for the NAMI National Conference the hurtful comments haven’t worn off yet.  I’m trying to be rational about it, because I don’t need to bring another problem/unhealthy coping skill to the table right now.  But I can’t seem to get it out of me head.  I’ve had two other people comment on me losing weight, but I think it just goes back to how dad was in childhood.  I mean he’s not screaming, calling me names, or any of that right now.  But it’s that same critical perfection I can never live up to.  Never good enough.

2 Jul

They think I’m the adult, I think I’m the child.  What if I’m both?

Protected: I am a little worried

1 Jul

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Protected: PTSD, connecting the dots, and crisis

24 Jun

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