30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

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What have I become

21 May

I’m going to fail a class for the first time in my life this quarter. Earlier this afternoon when I realized it I was in that not care mood I’ve been in and out of for weeks. I’ve already made adjustments to my school schedule for the next two sessions since two classes counted on me passing this.

Now I feel overwhelmed. Sad. A failure. Like the worlds falling apart which it does a lot internally but usually I can pretend to the world that everything’s okay. Not now. Not this. I’m either not good enough or current circumstances are causing me not to be able to write adequate Spanish literary critiques about swans.

Either way the consequences feel devastating. I’m trying to stay coping alive. I took some NyQuil. I’ll be okay after the shock wears off I assume or at least that’s what people will try to tell me.

Breaking the cycle?

20 May

Yesterday was good.  I hope it wasn’t just a blip and things have turned around I went to see P!NK in Oakland with lil sis.  I was suppose to go with my sister but she is pregnant.  I’m not sure if I mentioned she is pregnant but instead of going to the concert she found out she is having another boy. 🙂  I would rather go to the concert it was awesome.  Lil sis was only a little annoying.

I haven’t done much today.  I have a meet up on Grindr I’m a little afraid of that putting me back into PTSD mode but like I said I’m sick of this back forth and just avoiding games.  I do need to get my homework done beforehand though.  I also need to get y planner out to see what needs to be done.

Next post will have a video from P!NK concert.

Another not good day

18 May

I woke up at 8am to my phone ringing from the psych department I knew they were calling either to cancel my appt with my case manager or to push it back, most likely to cancel since they were calling so early- I let it go to voicemail.  About an hour later I listen to the message, yep appointment cancelled.  I’d been holding on for that appointment.  I didn’t go to school today, either class.  Even though I have a midterm Wednesday.  I thought about canceling on my planner meet up tonight.  I had convinced myself that they didn’t really want me there and that one friend had just got me invited because someone else couldn’t go.  I finally forced myself out of bed, took my meds ate some cereal and got my planner stuff ready.  On my way to my home town I got into a car accident.  It was my fault, no one was hurt but the guy had to have the police called to make a police report.  I had to wait 20 mins for it.  There was another school shooting today, I had to stay off the internet, so far the voices have been quiet- that’s good.  I feel so overwhelmed already.  I’m not sure how much more I can take.  Honestly.  I have an appointment with the therapist on Monday but I was thinking about not going.  She doesn’t understand me.  She will also blow things out of proportion and if I see her my case manager will probably put off seeing me since I already saw “somebody.”  Also I don’t want her to go off what she read it my last visits notes.  This was before the accident.  Now I feel like I need something.  Anything.  And I might even just put up with her.  I hope she just doesn’t frustrate me more.  We’ll see if I change my mind again between now and Monday.

When it’s your normal

17 May

So I found myself explaining body memories of PTSD last night.  And while I am somewhat use to them, it’s been about 6 years since the intense ones and I know why they happen and I separate the visual/emotional flashbacks with the body one’s so it’s not bad.  But I’m aware and it’s my “normal” I for the most part know what causes them, can stay away from them and have skills to cope with them.  I also have skills to cope with the other aspects of PTSD some better some worse and some I don’t know as well because I don’t understand them and they are triggered out of the blue it seems and I can’t connect or prevent it necessarily.  But anyways, I find people react like oh “that sounds scary,” “you’re so brave” “how do you handle that” etc. not just with PTSD but a lot of mental illness and for the most part I’m like this is my normal, it’s what I’m used to, it happens a lot.

16 May

I was up till 1 or 2am last night with sleep no where in sight so I took some NyQuil.  That put doing some practice essays this morning before retaking Ensayo #2 unlikely.  I managed to wake up and eat some yogurt that didn’t like my sensory issues and take my medicine, and lay back down.  I’d wordrefrence it’s like google translate but better results some words for my essay in between my class today and the essay re-write, I had 30 minutes.  I went to class only to find out my registration for Fall Quarter was Monday, now I have to wait for open hours tonight after 8pm to register for my classes.  It’s only been two days so I’m sure the classes won’t be full but an inconvenience.  Two of the classes weren’t offered though the Spanish head of the department spelled out the year for me; luckily their electives so I subbed a different two in.  If I fail this Spanish essay class, there is just one class I can’t take in the fall and who knows maybe I can repeat this class in summer?.  But three in Fall might be a nice break.  I’m exploring sex more and I just know my case manager is going to think this has to do with my functioning but I think it is just co-occuring beside it.  Even if it is and I’m oblivious or in denial, I am not just going to avoid it forever for the fear that something like this will and is happening.  I need to eat again, but I’m not feeling it maybe I can go out but I don’t like going out by myself either and it’s just one roommate to go with and what I feel like she doesn’t like.  Making food is work, i’ll find something I don’t wan’t to be all out of it again.

For the people that are worried

15 May

I feel somewhat better after talking to 20 somethings friend and coming to a couple realizations that will hopefully help me cope through whatever this is and however long it lasts.

I think the dissociating might be a combo of PTSD world, not eating regularly, and not consistently taking meds.  The last two have been happening because I have been in some sort of not care state that I haven’t been able to pull myself out of.

In regards to that, how do I normally pull myself out of this not care phase; well I force myself to and say I’ll regret it later if I don’t do these things now.

So I hope that will help me get out of bed early tomorrow and practice the essay I am re-writting for one of the classes I am failing.  That, surprise, surprise, I don’t care.  The professor has been really helpful and I am using my accommodations so I might as well take my best shot.

The part that keeps telling me you are going to end up in the hospital anyways, so fuck it.  Needs to be quieted down a little.

Backward?

15 May

I’m dissociating and having a hard time telling whether things happened or not, it’s not PTSD related.  That has passed.  I had a very hard time sleeping yesterday and that may be part of it.  I feel on the edge, but I don’t want to admit it because I fear they will take me too seriously.  I usually work through these things all on my own and when out of the woods, go btw I was suicidal or I went through xyz crisis or whatever but I’m fine now.  My case manager is catching on, instead of booking 2 weeks out she booked out 10 days.  I can self care but have little resource to handle the bumps and just regularities of life.  Last night I thought I was going to self harm, but I didn’t.  I’m glad I didn’t because they might put me in the hospital and I don’t need that right now.  It wouldn’t have been worth it.  Then I was suicidal and there honestly wasn’t any good reason, like there needs to be a good reason.  If you know how my brain works and the chronic suicidal thoughts with BPD and depression.  But this morning, all last night was a blur.  What seemed hours I can barely remember what happened or not.  There seems to be a superficial coating that quickly scratches away with any provocation on my life.  Right now I’m just going with it.  I’m reaching out a little more to 20 somethings friend, he knew about the PTSD stuff.  Not sure about letting my case manager in on whats going on, or the people I’m volunteering with at NAMI.  It’s not like I haven’t had a lifetime of handling things like this, balancing acts, explanations to be made if it comes down to it, or just how it is now the freaky ominous premonition of the future repeating itself.

SaveSave

Care

14 May

It’s time to put myself back into not care mode its apparent neither do either.  It’s been an empty house all day.  I went to class and both clubs as well as met up with classmates to do homework.  I’m back to feeling like last year, but more complicated.  I just want to go home, but now home is uncomfortable too.  I’m trying to be play positive but it is getting too much.  The PTSD mode is pretty much out of my system though no one other than 20 something friend asked or noticed.  I’m to the point where I’ll begin having sex with guys.  I don’t care if it sets off PTSD again, I managed.  My testosterone is making it too much to deal with and I’m curious.  Right now fuck consequences, fuck everything.  Very BPD.

So it wasn’t

10 May

So it wasn’t and I’ve still been bopping around here and there and everywhere.  Today it took 30 minutes and the 3 parking garage floors to find my car after school.  I accidentally gave my birth name to someone at the volunteer place who only knows me as ty and then had to correct myself.  My essay in Spanish was so disorganized, i need to write my professor but I don’t know what to say other than I’m crazy and I get accommodations and I need them this time.  I can’t write it tonight, not functioning well enough.  Assignment due tomorrow, need to do it last weeks didn’t do.  Also tomorrow need to get haircut, get tb shot, and fingerprint. Sounds easy enough unless its another bad ptsd day. Wish me luck

PTSD World

8 May

So I’ve began slipping into PTSD world.  I’m trying to do what I can to stop the slipping but then there seems to be another part of me that just doesn’t care so it’s hard.  This morning I woke up all disoriented and an hour off in time, rushing to volunteer and it look me about 15 minutes to orient myself and realize I was at the school an hour early even after I had noticed the school office was locked, there were only 2 cars in the parking lot, and I only talked to one teacher I saw.  Today was riddled with PTSD symptoms and switching and I swear I learned nothing.  I did talk to 20 somethings friend and that helped a lot as I felt like this whole thing was my fault and was really feeling bad and I felt better after.  Even though the PTSD symptoms returned later after.  In order not to go deeper like last night I just self medicated as soon as I got home.  I couldn’t put up with the symptoms.  I had NyQuil some lorazepam, and Latuda.  I just woke up.  I feel out of it (literally) and out of the PTSD world right now too.  I don’t think this is the final fight.