I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
Today I had a counseling appointment and even though my case manager doesn’t really want to address the gender identity issues she today said that my self harm was a result of gender identity and sexuality issues. I was quick to point out I was self harming before those issues came to light and for other reasons. I often worry about people taking my biological disorders and my situational life happenings and screwing them up and trying to put something where it doesn’t belong. I did mention that yes I did self harm on my breasts because I hated them; but I self harmed for a slew of other reasons before I hit puberty (when gender issues came on) and before I met PK (when I started discovering my sexuality).
I’m thinking about using a new name with my new gender variant expression, when I start transitioning more, a nickname my sister has given me that is my initials. Before I do that though, I want it to be okay with her as it is her nickname sort of and I don’t know how she will feel about being gender variant and I don’t feel right about taking a nickname she gave me and using it; if she takes the transition really badly. I need to feel her out. I’m not good at feeling people out.
I wonder why I am so insistent (at least right now) to hanging on to some of my female gender identity. I don’t like being a girl. Is it because it’s so familiar? Because I’m so resistant to change in general and this will be a BIG change. Scared of what people will think, especially how the family will react? I’m not sure what it is in me, but it’s worth exploring. I think that’s what I should talk to the therapist about in two weeks. I also worry with what my gender identity is and how that will play out along with my sexuality and I’m trying to work them both out in my head at the same time. I know this is bad for me and I should let the identity figure out first and then sexuality next but I feel like i’m losing time and like most people I want all the answers NOW, lol.
What I’ve been waiting for. Since my case manager told me over a month ago that she wasn’t really qualified to handle the gender identity issues and to talk to the therapist I was angry. It seems everyone defers to the therapist that I see once every 6 weeks. (I see my case manager once a week.) I had also just gotten my ASD evaluation back and we were suppose to go over that. It seems everyone passes the buck to her and I have a harder time opening up to her as I don’t see her as often and haven’t developed as much trust.
Surprisingly things went very well. She has training regarding gender identity issues and is seeing other people with in Kaiser (my insurance.) My fears about not being taken seriously because I don’t fully identify as a trans person were unfounded. She let me know what my insurance covered and was okay with what I said I wanted to pursue, didn’t want to, and was unknown at this time. We talked a little about why it is coming up now, pretty much because I have the independence to be out of my parents house and I don’t plan on moving back. I don’t see my dad taking this well and knowing I won’t have to be around him while doing this transition and adjusting myself makes me able to pursue it. Also now being in the LGBT community I have names and real things attached to feelings and thoughts I’ve had for a long time, since puberty. The therapist is going to see me in a little over two weeks instead of the typical 6 weeks, which is much of an improvement and practically unheard of wishing psychotherapy in my insurance. She also suggested I check out a support group for trans and gender non conforming people and a local gender center. My first step is to e-mail them and find out times and dates. I hate group things and with my social and awkward problems this will be hard. At least for now it’s just finding out when they meet.
Honestly, I’m surprised it waited until now. It’ll less than a month till I’ll be moving out and officially starting UC Davis in the Fall Quarter which means that it is also less than a month until 20 something’s friend will be moving to San Diego. It’s starting to feel real, I’m starting to get sad, and I’m beginning to get overwhelmed. It started about a week and a half ago when he went there for a week long program at UCSD. One of the first days I just kinda lost it, and in front of my mom of all people. And for some reason I was seeking sympathy from her, talking about barking up the wrong tree and I should know better. I guess I was desperate. I tried my DBT skills all week. I FB messaged him a couple times but he was so busy with workshops and not and I didn’t want to be that person. After he got back I got a sweet postcard, I wish I had gotten it while he was gone, but since I was wrapped up in emotion mind a couple times I’m not sure it would have helped. I tried making plans with other friends, but my other blogger friends with BPD probably know how it is they are not 20 somethings friend; and it isn’t the same. It won’t be the same. It’s not the end of the world. But I’m losing my best friend. I have trouble making friends because of all my other issues and there won’t be anyone else in the world like him.
Today was stressful. I had a dream I was back working in Sunday school, I miss working with kids and the community church provided feeling like I finally fit in somewhere. I woke up kinda sad. Then I had a text from 20 somethings friend saying the time I picked him up changed from 5:30 to 7:30 so we’d get less hang out time and another bill from my health insurance for my case manager that we have been messing with since the beginning of the year. I wanted to just go back to bed and skip school. I did go back to bed, but set an alarm for 9am and just threw some clothes on to go to school, unfortunately the shirt I picked out was tight on the arms and the chest which made me really feel my breasts. Tat had me thinking about how I felt I was getting the run around from my health insurance regarding the gender identity issues though they claim I’m not and I guess I really won’t know till I see the therapist. I just know I can’t go on like this if it’s just addressing it with her once a month. I thought about pk and moving to the private christian university and starting over and how I will be moving to UC Davis and kinda starting over again. I’m not sure I can do it. Other people think I can, maybe I can fool them they don’t bother seeing my struggle.
You don’t see inside me
The pain and confusion
The questions and doubts I have
Me trying to keep it together
You don’t see inside me
I hate who I am
But I have to be this for now
So i push and push
I push it away
and do what I have to do
whatever that means
But you can only push so much
and then a crack shows
and you may catch a glimpse
But you don’t see inside me
I’m not even sure what’s there
That’s what happens when you push and push
I can’t see inside me.
Do you sometimes feel illegitimate or your diagnosis means less than because it isn’t paired with the typical diagnosis. Than your case manager tells you that you weren’t washing your hair just to act out and you know distinctly it was because of the sensory issues. If it was to act out, why would you allow family members to wash it in the sink. Would those be the people you were acting out against?
I feel without the comirbid ASD diagnosis my SPD is less legitimate especially as an adult. I know there are few adults with SPD. And I know I meet the symptoms and criteria. I just don’t have melt downs, I do shut down. I’ve found coping strategies. And I feel I have to ignore my issues and sensitivities because people will now say they are less legitimate. Family always has, except for knife sharpening; cuz they can see how that would bother almost anyone.
Another day in the life of a complexly mentally ill person.