30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

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Partial-8days

19 Jun

I’ve been in partial 8 days now. I will be discharged Friday because I have summer school starting Monday. Partial has been kinda useless. They didn’t help me at all in getting my meds, they came by mail before I could get either. Actually I’m picking up the viibryd tomorrow. The groups are over crowded and the leaders allow members to monopolize the time, get off track, and use their cell phones. The only way it might have helped is that I’m getting out of bed every day and going somewhere as well as eating a morning food and lunch.

Today I found out that I’m on grounds for academic disqualification. Aka could get kicked out of the university. So my anxiety is up, hope I can do this summer class. I’m feeling down, but I’m tired of writing I’m feeling down. Last night I just self medicated with the past extreme suicidalness coming back up. It seems like I need to push it inside again. I know that’s not good but I don’t know what else to do.

Get to know me questions

19 Jun

What are my strengths?
Loyal, honest, generous.

What are my short term goals?
Volunteer, get my 3 monthly shot, take nitro to get his vaccinations.
What are my long term goals?
Eat healthy.  Get a job. Graduate.
Who matters the most to me?
20 somethings friend, nephew, sister, case manager
What am I ashamed of?
PTSD stuff
What do I like to do for fun?
Planning, swimming, playing with my nephew
What new activities am I willing to try?
Creative stuff
What am I worried about?
Getting worse mentally.  Completely psychotic.
What are my values?
Loyalty.  Charity.  Equality.  Being nonjudgmental.
If I had one wish it would be?
lets not go there
Where do I feel the safest?
Disneyland
What or who gives me comfort?
20 somethings friend, Disneyland, my sister sometimes
If I was afraid I would?
Try to ride it out as long as I could, isolate, take NyQuil if I couldn’t handle it anymore.
What is my proudest accomplishment?
Staying out of the hospital and quitting self harm.
Am I a night owl or early bird?
Early bird now
What does my inner critic tell me?
That I do everything wrong.  Everyone hates me.
What do I do to show myself self care?
Try to keep busy.  Do my hobbies.
Am I an introvert or an extravert?
Introvert
What am I passionate about?
mental health, education, equality
What do my dreams tell me?
not sure, I don’t remember my dreams much
What is my favourite non fiction book?
Memoirs
What is my favourite fiction book?
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
What is my favourite movie?
Drop Dead Fred, Lilo and Stitch
What is my favourite band?
Everclear, Pink
What is my favourite food?
Sweets
What is my favourite color?
Blue
What am I grateful for?
People, things to keep me busy, family able to help me with finances so I don’t have to work, volunteer opportunities, case manager, psych meds
When I am feeling down I like to?
sleep, text/message people
I know I am stressed when?
I’m not functioning like I usually do.  My sleep is off, over/under.  Appetite is off, over/under.  Racing thoughts.  Memory problems.  Suicidal.  Self harm thoughts.  Staying in bed a lot.  Isolating

Only choice.

7 Jun

I feel the slow drop

I know it’s coming

It’s night again

It’ll be okay

It’ll hafta be

That’s the only choice.

Outcomes…Partial again

6 Jun

So I went into the appointment saying that I wanted to go to Partial.  I mentioned that I was dropping out this quarter.  She had come into the appointment talking about a new crisis residential center they were partnered with.  She also said she was thinking about calling in sick to work until she remembered she had an appointment with me today, I laughed and said probably a good idea you didn’t.  I’m thinking if I have anymore crazy nights like Monday night I might just ask partial to walk me over to the hospital.  A friend gave me a couple of the pills of one of the meds I’ve been out of for awhile.  And today while in my case management appointment the insurance called and said my meds were mailed, so hopefully they are coming tomorrow.  The partial program is suppose to call me with a start day, so I should start soon.  They have called me in the same day before, so fingers crossed for that.

Here and there and everywhere

5 Jun

Yesternight was hard but things are back to kinda okay again so myself thinks I’ll do without the hospital.  I never documented it, duh.  I didn’t want to scare anyone.  I kinda explained it in the aftermath, but you can never explain the true terror you go through.  But if your like me, you can write it off that you survived none the less and it’s time to move on.  I’ve been having a rough month yes.  But last night was truly the only point in where it got dangerous, so other than that I don’t think I really need to be in the hospital.  I mean I’m not functioning most days, but the hospital won’t help with that.  I need my meds I hope they’re coming soon.  I got two from a friend today.  I went out today and ate and visited said friend and picked up the meds.  I did my webinar.  Yesterday was really good and Sunday was pretty good I thought things were turning around.  Probably because the 2nd anti-depressant ran out, it’s my 4th day of not that now.  I can do this.

Wednesday

4 Jun

Wednesday, Wednesday, I’ll know everything Wednesday if I make it till then.

Thinking

1 Jun

I’ve been thinking about what to do.  I need to take the rest of this quarter off.  I need to re-evaluate my school final plan.  I’m not entirely sure I need the hospital, I’m not suicidal for the most part.  I get passively suicidal, mostly about failing my classes and having to withdraw from this quarter.  The flashbacks have been causing real bad self harm urges but so far, I’ve been okay plus I can’t stay in the hospital forever and those go on hit and miss for years.  So I’ve been thinking about maybe doing Partial, I’ll ask my case manager on Wednesday what she thinks.  It’ll help me function and get out of bed and learn coping skills and if I don’t show up or cope well, they’ll take me to the hospital.  I figure that way I can stay in my Peer specialist program I’m taking nightly.  I’m also interested in keeping up my volunteer work, that’s what really keeps me going.  I’m here at NAMI’s California Conference right now actually.  I lead a connection/support group on Thursday.  I told the college president what was going on with me and dropping this quarter I hope he doesn’t interpret that to mean I can’t help run the club next year.  I know what I’m capable of.  So far I’m looking into changing my double major of Spanish and Linguistics into a Linguistics major and a Spanish minor or just a Linguistics major with some added electives until I can get the last classes I need to repeat to graduate.  It will be far less classes each quarter and less stress.

The best decision is sometimes the hardest

30 May

I will most likely be going into the hospital next Wednesday.  I say most likely because I always try to talk myself out of it, but it’s been a month and I just can’t handle this anymore.  I can function top 1-3 days and then I just fall apart again, and it’s either surface/auto-pilot dissociation or straight staying in bed all day and doing nothing.  I wonder if the PTSD has been mixed with some Depression now.  It’s been at least 2 weeks since I’ve been off one of my anti-depressants, plus a lot of environmental stress going on too.

I’m not sure what the hospital will do.  Or even what I am looking for.  I know I am having a lower and lower thresh hold for whatever is bothering me and rather than self harming, dealing with flashbacks, or getting suicidal; I’ve been dissociating or self medicating.  I’ve stopped attending classes and as of today stopped doing classwork.  I guess I plan on doing a medical withdraw/incomplete.  I feel like a failure that I can’t handle this.  I wonder the repercussions on letting me go forward with hormones and if the university will still let me double major.  I guess at some point it doesn’t matter anymore and I am almost to that point.  It wouldn’t surprise me if I was there or beyond by Wednesday.

People may think this is weak, but really getting help will make things better in the long run.  If I try to power through it, which is what I have been doing, it’s just going to get worse.  I’ll do more damage that will take even longer to undo- I’ve been there.

It’s time to set your pride aside and do what you need to do.

29 May

I’m starting to slip a lot.  Often it’s up to me to make a decision of whether to take the energy to try to stop myself from completely going down the rabbit hole which takes so much energy or just give up and surrender.  Obviously, when other people are around I try to fight it.  But when it’s just me I’ve lost more and more the desire to fight it and the energy too.  Tonight I didn’t get out of bed till 9pm and take my morning meds.  i’m writing this blog and re-putting in credit card info so I can get meds I’m out of and then I’ll probably go back to my laying down/giving up state.  Depression?  Apathy? Something extending off the PTSD, I’m not sure.  But I’m sick of fighting.   And if it wasn’t so inconvenient to kill myself, well.

A step in the right direction

23 May

Today I went to class and took my midterm, don’t ask how I did.  I’m not sure and at this point in time I barely remember taking it.  Today’s been floaty and far away but I’ve managed to stay out of bed.  I socialized some with the roommates.  I also made dinner and ate some, lasagna.  It’s small steps.