I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
I’m just ready to give up
Today I had the appt of my ASD Results Evaluation and I am not on the Autistic spectrum despite having many of the symptoms, because I did not have symptoms since infancy. I kinda saw this coming. He mentioned my social development being off starting at age 10 when my psych problems started and kept referring to my teenage or pre-teenage years.
My theory is that I sort of stopped developing at 10, in many ways. So in my mind I do have a developmental disorder just they don’t have a name for it like so many things wrong with me. There are some serious things wrong with my social functioning which is all he really seemed to point out, put I also have a hard time with usual “adult” responsibilities cleaning/hygiene/job/phone calls/etc. I never really developed romantically/sexually relationships which makes things real hard at 33. I don’t do well with change and their are many childish and childlike things about me.
I guess I’m split on the results, I know a few people will be surprised and react negatively and others positively. Like everything in life, but the people I like more will be more surprised and more likely to react negatively.
So I requested my medical records, just child and adolescent psych with only the intent to give them to my case manager for her to read. That was the advice given to me, by people who know me well.
Googling symptoms on Web MD can make you crazy, I’ve herd that before but never needed to do it before, I now regret that decision. And it’s the weekend so I’ll have to wait to hear from my actual doctor.
Any tech savvy people know if I can make my Facebook posts show up on the sidebars like some people do with there twitter posts?
If I’m just doing a small update like last night I don’t want to open up and write a whole post, but I don’t have a lot of people following my Facebook page for my blog. For those of you curious this was the post:
And your sister puts some on too so you don’t look so out of place
Today at counseling we went over a brief overview of the last week of struggling, I didn’t really have time to get into anything plus there were so many “somethings.” I did tell he about having to tell my parents about the ASD evaluation and I didn’t mention in my blog but my mom said I saw someone in child psych for about a year, which is odd because I remember her pulling me out and only a few sessions. She said I only saw the therapist as a teenager for a few times. I mentioned this to my case manager and she thought it was odd because she says she reads everyones prior records, and I was like this would’ve been when I was like 8-10 years old maybe back when they had written files and she suggested maybe getting them. I know I had them at one time but I forgot what they said.
Should I get them again? What if they trigger me? I was thinking of getting them and then just giving them to her to read? Thoughts? Feedback?
So I had to come clean to my parents about the possible Autistic Spectrum Diagnosis (ASD) Evaluation. I had my mom fill out a form the specialist gave me to fill out for my primary care giver or parent. She filled out some and my sister looked over it and thought it was insufficient as my mom was looking through “rose tinted goggles” so she changed some answers and I had her fill out other sections where I knew she knew the answers, aka not the birth-3 years old. The specialist called the day before I was suppose to have the appointment and need to ask my mom some questions for clarification. I thought “oh no” and now I gotta tell her the truth. So I told her about my most recent Sensory Processing Disorder and how I’ve always had the social awkwardness that now seems a little more than just social anxiety and paired with my poor motor skills they think I might be on the Autistic Spectrum. I also told her when the specialist called not to answer questions with what she thinks I can do but with what I currently do do. He just asked about 10 questions about when I was a baby and a toddler and now I have to wait a week and a half for results! I wish this process went faster!
You don’t see me any more
So don’t acted surprised
Don’t say you didn’t see it coming
You’re letting go
And I can’t hold on.
All my brain could decide to dream about last night was, what if I decided to never come out and plaid it straight. In my dream I got a chance to have my old job back and old boss proposed to me. I wonder if I could’ve done it. I really think it would’ve been an option in my life if I wasn’t so oblivioious and one sided. Maybe I wouldn’t be in the pain I’m in now. Maybe it’d be quadrupled with most the same problems underneath and a surface life. But hey at least I’d have a surface life.
Today was the first Official day of the convention although there was an extra track yesterday about first episode psychosis that was rather interesting. The convention this year is in Denver, Colorado last year it was in San Fransico, California. I live in California so last year me and mom drove to the conference and while she didn’t go, she stayed in the hotel with me. This year I flew by myself and am staying by myself for 4 nights. The night before I chickened out, was really physically sick with stomach issues, and if my dad wasn’t home would have just not gone. But he’d ridicule me and not understand so I sucked it up and went on little sleep and little faith.
The first day was just registering, checking in to hotel, the one track, and I went to sleep early. I liked the talk. I was proud I was able to fly, get a cab, and check in to the hotel without having a melt down. I went to bed as soon as the program was over and my sleep was weird with bad dreams. There’s no bath here and I forgot my hairbrush. So I just called the front desk (hardest thing so far) and asked for a comb) I combed my hair and put on my hat. The other hotel has a hair brush I bought so I’ll try to shower tomorrow.
The one good talk yesterday was about getting people with psychosis to engage in treatment. It talked about the negative symptoms of those with psychotic disorders like: lack of motivation, isolation, lack of interest in things, flat affect, monotone/don’t respond much. Yet there is still the need to belong and the desire for connection. Sometimes the problem goes to we can’t do what we use to do. Example when I had to stop working I never talked to old boss till years after though we were very good friends and went to the movies a lot. There were a lot of things I couldn’t do at points of illness, like attend school or social events so I just lost everything related to that. When nothing feels great you stop trying because you don’t expect it to and why put in the effort. We prefer hobbies to people and don’t engage in the community. Sometimes we are protecting ourselves but sometimes it holds us back. In order to help these negative symptoms which have underlying problems such as defeatist beliefs you need to let the individual set the goals for therapy. No ones life’s goals. Is to get up and shower. To make their bed. To take their Meds. As the speaker humoursly suggested maybe your ambition is to live independently with a soda machine in your apartment?
- Then ambitions are broken down. Steps are concrete.
- Action towards the goal is the therapy target
- Obstacles are addressed as they impede action
- Conceptualization is the key to the obstacles
- Achieving the ambitions reinforces the curative beliefs
That was yesterday. Today talked about policy and government. A good workshop on peer workers though there were two VOCAL audience members who should’ve been kept in better check. I’ll scan the awesome resource document when I get home. I also attended another sessions on first episode psychosis programs; there was a lot of that at the NAMU National Convention 2015, so no real new info.
I hope I sleep better tonight. I can take a quick shower in the morning without my sensory issues going crazy. And noticing my interactions with people vs the rest of the convention the more likely I fall on the ASD spectrum. I’ve talked to one person since I got here. Most have depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, PTSD, or are a family member of someone who does. There are board members and stuff too but even them usually have some relation.
Today I had a 4th of July party and it was probably the last party I will have for a while. It was pretty small only two of the old regular crew came; it’s clear things are changing. 4 of the facilitators came. One new person from group. A person I know from school that will also be transferring to UC Davis and 2 of her friends. A friendish from a long time and my sister and brother-in-law stopped in for a little while. While I talked to most everyone and enjoyed everyones company. Obviously the one I liked most was 20 somethings friend who had to work and came late. Most people kinda stuck with their crew, he seemed out of place or uncomfortable yet when I’d try to get near him people would come to me and bother me. I guess as the host I’m not suppose to ignore them and tell them to go away so he would go off by himself again. It’s okay I guess though, because he has the next two days off and we can hang out. I was also trying to show him some ASD paperwork and another friend was being really nosey about it and I don’t trust this one as much because I know and have heard him talk about other people around behind their back when I’m around or directly to me. So I’m not comfortable with that, but I wanted to share it with 20 somethings friend and didn’t care is my friend from UC Davis overheard because we had been talking about it when the year was winding down. The party didn’t go as long as the old ones use to and people left with their crews for the most part. Things are different but I still had a good time.