I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
Honestly, I’m surprised it waited until now. It’ll less than a month till I’ll be moving out and officially starting UC Davis in the Fall Quarter which means that it is also less than a month until 20 something’s friend will be moving to San Diego. It’s starting to feel real, I’m starting to get sad, and I’m beginning to get overwhelmed. It started about a week and a half ago when he went there for a week long program at UCSD. One of the first days I just kinda lost it, and in front of my mom of all people. And for some reason I was seeking sympathy from her, talking about barking up the wrong tree and I should know better. I guess I was desperate. I tried my DBT skills all week. I FB messaged him a couple times but he was so busy with workshops and not and I didn’t want to be that person. After he got back I got a sweet postcard, I wish I had gotten it while he was gone, but since I was wrapped up in emotion mind a couple times I’m not sure it would have helped. I tried making plans with other friends, but my other blogger friends with BPD probably know how it is they are not 20 somethings friend; and it isn’t the same. It won’t be the same. It’s not the end of the world. But I’m losing my best friend. I have trouble making friends because of all my other issues and there won’t be anyone else in the world like him.
Today was stressful. I had a dream I was back working in Sunday school, I miss working with kids and the community church provided feeling like I finally fit in somewhere. I woke up kinda sad. Then I had a text from 20 somethings friend saying the time I picked him up changed from 5:30 to 7:30 so we’d get less hang out time and another bill from my health insurance for my case manager that we have been messing with since the beginning of the year. I wanted to just go back to bed and skip school. I did go back to bed, but set an alarm for 9am and just threw some clothes on to go to school, unfortunately the shirt I picked out was tight on the arms and the chest which made me really feel my breasts. Tat had me thinking about how I felt I was getting the run around from my health insurance regarding the gender identity issues though they claim I’m not and I guess I really won’t know till I see the therapist. I just know I can’t go on like this if it’s just addressing it with her once a month. I thought about pk and moving to the private christian university and starting over and how I will be moving to UC Davis and kinda starting over again. I’m not sure I can do it. Other people think I can, maybe I can fool them they don’t bother seeing my struggle.
You don’t see inside me
The pain and confusion
The questions and doubts I have
Me trying to keep it together
You don’t see inside me
I hate who I am
But I have to be this for now
So i push and push
I push it away
and do what I have to do
whatever that means
But you can only push so much
and then a crack shows
and you may catch a glimpse
But you don’t see inside me
I’m not even sure what’s there
That’s what happens when you push and push
I can’t see inside me.
Do you sometimes feel illegitimate or your diagnosis means less than because it isn’t paired with the typical diagnosis. Than your case manager tells you that you weren’t washing your hair just to act out and you know distinctly it was because of the sensory issues. If it was to act out, why would you allow family members to wash it in the sink. Would those be the people you were acting out against?
I feel without the comirbid ASD diagnosis my SPD is less legitimate especially as an adult. I know there are few adults with SPD. And I know I meet the symptoms and criteria. I just don’t have melt downs, I do shut down. I’ve found coping strategies. And I feel I have to ignore my issues and sensitivities because people will now say they are less legitimate. Family always has, except for knife sharpening; cuz they can see how that would bother almost anyone.
Another day in the life of a complexly mentally ill person.
I’m thinking more about my gender identity issues and where I want to be in 5 years or more so what I want to look like and how I want to feel about my body and mind. Yesterday I researched top surgery, initially I was just thinking about getting a double mastectomy because I don’t like my breasts. But as I think more and as I explore more I am considering top surgery so if I wan’t to identify more along the male lines I will have a more male looking upper body than just no breasts.
It was interesting that there were two types of surgery depending on how big your breasts are, since mine are C or bigger I would have a certain surgery. I also would need to lose some weight so I have started to exercise and watch what I am eating.
One of the things I’m not looking forward to is that this is something I will need to address with the therapist and I’m not that comfortable with her. Also I only see her once a month and I’m not sure about containing the dysphoria in-between appointments. I also worry working on it will destabilize me and cause me to have to quit UC Davis.
I’m just ready to give up
So I requested my medical records, just child and adolescent psych with only the intent to give them to my case manager for her to read. That was the advice given to me, by people who know me well.
Googling symptoms on Web MD can make you crazy, I’ve herd that before but never needed to do it before, I now regret that decision. And it’s the weekend so I’ll have to wait to hear from my actual doctor.
Any tech savvy people know if I can make my Facebook posts show up on the sidebars like some people do with there twitter posts?
If I’m just doing a small update like last night I don’t want to open up and write a whole post, but I don’t have a lot of people following my Facebook page for my blog. For those of you curious this was the post:
And your sister puts some on too so you don’t look so out of place
Today at counseling we went over a brief overview of the last week of struggling, I didn’t really have time to get into anything plus there were so many “somethings.” I did tell he about having to tell my parents about the ASD evaluation and I didn’t mention in my blog but my mom said I saw someone in child psych for about a year, which is odd because I remember her pulling me out and only a few sessions. She said I only saw the therapist as a teenager for a few times. I mentioned this to my case manager and she thought it was odd because she says she reads everyones prior records, and I was like this would’ve been when I was like 8-10 years old maybe back when they had written files and she suggested maybe getting them. I know I had them at one time but I forgot what they said.
Should I get them again? What if they trigger me? I was thinking of getting them and then just giving them to her to read? Thoughts? Feedback?