I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
A lot has happened since I last posted but I’m trying to put that behind me and move on, maybe a retroactive update later
Today the gender dysphoria was strong. I looked in the mirror and I immediately had to look away. I got dressed in the corner so the walls couldn’t see me. The gender dysphoria that usually goes with my breasts was combined with the body dysphoria that I get with my weight sometime. However this is the first time I had gender dysphoria for my bottom half. It was strange. That’s why while I don’t fully identify as trans I want to leave my options open. I feel like I’ve lived in a certain environment where certain things weren’t even allowed to be thought about until now.
I feel life going and it’s just kinda going in circles, sometimes I think I am making progress and then something happens and I think the progress that I made, I didn’t make. I changed my Greek to a Pass-No Pass status which was a good thing because I failed the Midterm. I don’t think I have ever failed anything I have ever tried in my life before, granted I didn’t try as hard as I could. I’m still okay with it though because I got a zero on a part that I didn’t have any idea on so when I subtracted that out I didn’t do that bad. Maybe I’m just rationalizing it, I don’t know. I can’t drop the class, so I just need to pass it. Things are still real difficult on the social front and it’s getting harder to pretend it just doesn’t bother me. I’m okay with a lot of time alone and my family lives close by so thats okay. But it’s just frustrating trying and failing, even though I know I’m not good at this. Like the people say their the ones missing out but when I don’t see myself that way then, I just see myself lacking.
It’s been one of those days, one of those weeks. Where I’m frustrated that I don’t have an ASD diagnosis because I didn’t fit the criteria as a kid. It’s been fucking with my functioning this week. I’ve messed up a few social cues. And I’m curious. I have some Aspergers followers out there or people on the Spectrum that “cope” and appear normal enough. I don’t mean this to come off rude, I know they took aspergers out of the DSM5 thats why I want to cover aspergers and the spectrum but I’m mostly referring to more of the higher functioning people who for lack of a better word pass as normal most time.
That’s me. And I know the goal after you get an ASD diagnosis is therapy to help cope with daily living and be able to live productively, get social skills, don’t have meltdowns, learn to deal with sensory issues, etc. etc. I just don’t understand that if I was forced to do this as a kid because of a chaotic home environment how I can’t have the diagnosis. I essentially learned most the skills they try to teach out of necessity. Now on my own, I’ve regressed a bit plus I’m managing a bunch of other shit so honestly I don’t have the energy for all that normative passing stuff. But I’m still upset that the doctor won’t give me the diagnosis because as a child I didn’t meet the criteria till i was 11 or so.
I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me. I’m having a hard time with my classes, for the first time in my life. I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable. And roundy round goes the pattern. I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now. I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.
I don’t fail, or do I?
Feeling down. Was feeling productive even good this morning. Then got two disappointing grades and my mood just plummeted. Actually thinking of dropping one of the classes. Emotional me wants to drop out entirely, well out of life- but you get the picture. My image for so long has been built on my academics, since I’m not able to work. It’s either that or my mental illness when it prevents me from school. Ugh.
Lots of stuff going on in my head lately. Not sure how much I can trust to the mental health professionals as I fear they will block my transitioning goals, which is sad. Means I have to deal and stress alone, which I know isn’t good for my health. The other day was Holocaust remembrance day and it was also the day our stupid president decided to ban refugees to enter our country. Many don’t know/forget that gays were targeted during the holocaust too. Yes, i know the president hasn’t done anything yet to target the gays. I was also thing about the Stonewall riots that were not that one ago and how the police arrested people who were wearing a piece of clothing of the opposite sex, this would be everyday. Will the US come to this again? So many things to stress about.
- Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
One opened, one closed
- Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
- Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
Out, can’t stand tucked in sheets, must always unmake the bed it feels claustrophobic
- Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
- Do you like to use post-it notes?
Yes, I collect them in fact
- What is your biggest pet peeve?
- Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
- Is it okay for guys to wear pink as a color?
yes, of course
Whats your least favourite movie?
Horror or suspense movies that scare me.
What do you drink with dinner?
What is your favorite food?
what movie could you watch over and over and still love?
Drop Dead Fred
Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
Favourite kind of sandwich?
Best thing to eat for breakfast?
Life Cereal or Oatmeal
What is your usual bedtime?
Are you lazy?
How many languages can you speak?
5, English, Spanish, Italian, French, and ASL- Learning Ancient Greek now
Do you sing in the shower?
No, I take baths and I don’t sing in them either
Is Christmas stressful?
It can be
Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Do you believe in ghosts?
Ever been in love?
Who would you like to see in concert?
Bruno Mars and of corse Evercleafr anytime he is near Sac.
Hot tea or cold tea?
Tea or coffee?
Ever had plastic surgery?
Do you want to get married?
Do you want kids?
Yes but not bio, don’t want to pass on mental illness and afraid of going off meds and post part psychosis and killing them.
Whats your favourite colour?
Do you miss anyone right now?
Things you cannot leave the house without?
Do you drink energy drinks?
Yes, red bull
Do you drink juice?
Only POG when in Hawaii or camping
Do you eat fries with a fork?
Chili cheese fries
What is your middle name?
What was favorite subject at school?
What is your favorite drink?
What is your favorite song at the moment?
Don’t have one
What is the last thing you bought?
Planner supplies at Michaels
How many siblings do you have?
When was the last time you cried?
Favourite TV shows?
PC or Mac? I like both have a Macbook pro right now for school
What phone do you have?
An I phone 5
How tall are you?
Can you cook?
Yes, but I’d rather bake
Things are going well. I’m into my 3rd day of the new quarter here in college. I already like it much better than last quarter. Taking more classes I thrive as the structure helps keep me accountable and busy- last semester there was just too much down time. I bought a binder to begin wearing this year, when it came in the mail and I saw it I was like “Yikes!” it looked so small, especially around the stomach area. I’ve been wearing it for 4 days now; usually only the first half the day while I’m in my classes. There is some discomfort when walking and I can’t slouch, which may be a good thing. But I really like the way I look. I want to buy a few more, as I just bought one since they are sort of expensive and I wasn’t sure how I’d take to it. The thing is it’s really hot, which is fine in this rainy wet weather we are having now, but what happens once hot summers come? I also found new boxer briefs that don’t ride up and practically become like woman underwear. I bought 4 more mens shirts and my dad just gave me some more money for the month. I think I’ll buy another couple shirts.
My classes this semester are 2nd quarter Greek, 4th quarter Spanish, New Testament in Greek, Upper Division Writing, and Gender, Language and Society. There are 5 classes but the New Testament class is just one hour, once a week. I also have an ungraded connection that meets once a week around the common interest of being a Future grad student. I’ll be pretty busy this quarter.
Counseling will probably be cut to every other week so I can go to gender group, also because I’m doing well right now. If I start to have problems we may change apps to Friday or I may go later on Wednesdays and skip Gender group sometimes. When I see the therapist at the end of the month I’m going to ask her AGAIN about when I will have a consult with the gender therapist, I know I was in crisis in November and then in December she had to cancel because she was sick but I’m running out of patience. I just found out today my psychiatrist has a reminder set to have a phone appointment with me on the 20th, then we will talk about reducing the Latuda we had to increase at the end of November because of the psychotic symptoms.