30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

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Therapy- Gender Identity

26 Aug

What I’ve been waiting for.  Since my case manager told me over a month ago that she wasn’t really qualified to handle the gender identity issues and to talk to the therapist I was angry.  It seems everyone defers to the therapist that I see once every 6 weeks.  (I see my case manager once a week.)  I had also just gotten my ASD evaluation back and we were suppose to go over that.  It seems everyone passes the buck to her and I have a harder time opening up to her as I don’t see her as often and haven’t developed as much trust.

Surprisingly things went very well.  She has training regarding gender identity issues and is seeing other people with in Kaiser (my insurance.)  My fears about not being taken seriously because I don’t fully identify as a trans person were unfounded.  She let me know what my insurance covered and was okay with what I said I wanted to pursue, didn’t want to, and was unknown at this time.  We talked a little about why it is coming up now, pretty much because I have the independence to be out of my parents house and I don’t plan on moving back.  I don’t see my dad taking this well and knowing I won’t have to be around him while doing this transition and adjusting myself makes me able to pursue it.  Also now being in the LGBT community I have names and real things attached to feelings and thoughts I’ve had for a long time, since puberty.  The therapist is going to see me in a little over two weeks instead of the typical 6 weeks, which is much of an improvement and practically unheard of wishing psychotherapy in my insurance.  She also suggested I check out a support group for trans and gender non conforming people and a local gender center.  My first step is to e-mail them and find out times and dates.  I hate group things and with my social and awkward problems this will be hard.  At least for now it’s just finding out when they meet.

Abandonment sneaking back in

22 Aug

Honestly, I’m surprised it waited until now.  It’ll less than a month till I’ll be moving out and officially starting UC Davis in the Fall Quarter which means that it is also less than a month until 20 something’s friend will be moving to San Diego.  It’s starting to feel real, I’m starting to get sad, and I’m beginning to get overwhelmed.  It started about a week and a half ago when he went there for a week long program at UCSD.  One of the first days I just kinda lost it, and in front of my mom of all people.  And for some reason I was seeking sympathy from her, talking about barking up the wrong tree and I should know better.  I guess I was desperate.  I tried my DBT skills all week.  I FB messaged him a couple times but he was so busy with workshops and not and I didn’t want to be that person.  After he got back I got a sweet postcard, I wish I had gotten it while he was gone, but since I was wrapped up in emotion mind a couple times I’m not sure it would have helped.  I tried making plans with other friends, but my other blogger friends with BPD probably know how it is they are not 20 somethings friend; and it isn’t the same.  It won’t be the same.  It’s not the end of the world.  But I’m losing my best friend.  I have trouble making friends because of all my other issues and there won’t be anyone else in the world like him.

The struggle

17 Aug

Today was stressful.  I had a dream I was back working in Sunday school, I miss working with kids and the community church provided feeling like I finally fit in somewhere.  I woke up kinda sad.  Then I had a text from 20 somethings friend saying the time I picked him up changed from 5:30 to 7:30 so we’d get less hang out time and another bill from my health insurance for my case manager that we have been messing with since the beginning of the year.  I wanted to just go back to bed and skip school.  I did go back to bed, but set an alarm for 9am and just threw some clothes on to go to school, unfortunately the shirt I picked out was tight on the arms and the chest which made me really feel my breasts.  Tat had me thinking about how I felt I was getting the run around from my health insurance regarding the gender identity issues though they claim I’m not and I guess I really won’t know till I see the therapist.  I just know I can’t go on like this if it’s just addressing it with her once a month.  I thought about pk and moving to the private christian university and starting over and how I will be moving to UC Davis and kinda starting over again. I’m not sure I can do it.  Other people think I can, maybe I can fool them they don’t bother seeing my struggle.

Poem: You don’t see inside me

30 Jul

You don’t see inside me

The pain and confusion

The questions and doubts I have

Me trying to keep it together


You don’t see inside me

I hate who I am

But I have to be this for now

So i push and push

I push it away

and do what I have to do

whatever that means


But you can only push so much

and then a crack shows

and you may catch a glimpse

But you don’t see inside me

I’m not even sure what’s there

That’s what happens when you push and push

I can’t see inside me.


29 Jul

Do you sometimes feel illegitimate or your diagnosis means less than because it isn’t paired with the typical diagnosis. Than your case manager tells you that you weren’t washing your hair just to act out and you know distinctly it was because of the sensory issues. If it was to act out, why would you allow family members to wash it in the sink. Would those be the people you were acting out against?

I feel without the comirbid ASD diagnosis my SPD is less legitimate especially as an adult. I know there are few adults with SPD. And I know I meet the symptoms and criteria. I just don’t have melt downs, I do shut down. I’ve found coping strategies. And I feel I have to ignore my issues and sensitivities because people will now say they are less legitimate. Family always has, except for knife sharpening; cuz they can see how that would bother almost anyone.

Another day in the life of a complexly mentally ill person.

Excited new opportunities

27 Jul

I feel like I’m beginning to start a new life coming up soon when I transfer to UC Davis.  Just today I got e-mailed my course syllabus for my summer session class that starts Monday.  Yesterday I selected my student housing apartment and found out who would likely be my housemates.  I’m looking into other therapists to see for the gender dysphoria and other blogs to follow, of people who might be like me.  I picked up my child and adolescent psych records yesterday and will bring them to my counseling appointment tomorrow.  I need to talk to someone about my social functioning and how to deal with that and transitioning at Davis especially since apparently I don’t have ASD, I’m suppose to broach the gender identity topic with the therapist but she will get the ASD evaluation, either way I don’t see her until August 28th.  I will see if my case manager can read the ASD eval and maybe that will help things; I know she doesn’t want to or doesn’t feel qualified to work on the gender identity stuff.  i wonder if the therapist will just refer to another person within Kaiser.  Sometimes A lot of times my health insurance is a joke.

Gender Identity

24 Jul

I’m thinking more about my gender identity issues and where I want to be in 5 years or more so what I want to look like and how I want to feel about my body and mind.  Yesterday I researched top surgery, initially I was just thinking about getting a double mastectomy because I don’t like my breasts.  But as I think more and as I explore more I am considering top surgery so if I wan’t to identify more along the male lines I will have a more male looking upper body than just no breasts.

It was interesting that there were two types of surgery depending on how big your breasts are, since mine are C or bigger I would have a certain surgery.  I also would need to lose some weight so I have started to exercise and watch what I am eating.

One of the things I’m not looking forward to is that this is something I will need to address with the therapist and I’m not that comfortable with her.  Also I only see her once a month and I’m not sure about containing the dysphoria in-between appointments.  I also worry working on it will destabilize me and cause me to have to quit UC Davis.


22 Jul

I’m just ready to give up

ASD Results and my take

21 Jul

Today I had the appt of my ASD Results Evaluation and I am not on the Autistic spectrum despite having many of the symptoms, because I did not have symptoms since infancy.  I kinda saw this coming.  He mentioned my social development being off starting at age 10 when my psych problems started and kept referring to my teenage or pre-teenage years.

My theory is that I sort of stopped developing at 10, in many ways.  So in my mind I do have a developmental disorder just they don’t have a name for it like so many things wrong with me.  There are some serious things wrong with my social functioning which is all he really seemed to point out, put I also have a hard time with usual “adult” responsibilities cleaning/hygiene/job/phone calls/etc.  I never really developed romantically/sexually relationships which makes things real hard at 33.  I don’t do well with change and their are many childish and childlike things about me.

I guess I’m split on the results, I know a few people will be surprised and react negatively and others positively.  Like everything in life, but the people I like more will be more surprised and more likely to react negatively.

A little update

16 Jul

So I requested my medical records, just child and adolescent psych with only the intent to give them to my case manager for her to read.  That was the advice given to me, by people who know me well.

Googling symptoms on Web MD can make you crazy, I’ve herd that before but never needed to do it before, I now regret that decision.  And it’s the weekend so I’ll have to wait to hear from my actual doctor.

Any tech savvy people know if I can make my Facebook posts show up on the sidebars like some people do with there twitter posts?

If I’m just doing a small update like last night I don’t want to open up and write a whole post, but I don’t have a lot of people following my Facebook page for my blog.  For those of you curious this was the post:

When at a concert and the lights are too bright and flashing, put on sunglasses. ‪#‎SPDTips‬ ‪#‎SensoryProcessingDisorderTips‬


And your sister puts some on too so you don’t look so out of place


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