30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

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Lost during the good old days (song lyrics)

15 Apr

I am not quite sure when the “good old days” were or if there were any.  Maybe in my late- late 20’s and early 30’s but I was still in a depression and I don’t remember that clearly what was going on.  I couldn’t enjoy it, because I couldn’t enjoy anything.  Looking back I see I had a lot of people that cared about me and a lot of friends.  I knew to some degree, but was lost with the cloud of depression around me.  I wonder if those “good old days” are gone for good, or if I’ll have a good sized close circle of friends again.  I know the older you get the harder it is.

 

I wish somebody would have told me, babe
Someday, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days

I was thinkin’ ’bout the band
I was thinkin’ ’bout the fans
We were underground
Loadin’ merch in that 12-passenger van
In a small club in Minnesota
And the snow outside of 1st Ave
I just wanted my name in a star
Now look at where we at
Still growin’ up, still growin’ up
I would lay in my bed and dream about what I’d become
Couldn’t wait to get older, couldn’t wait to be some
Now that I’m here, wishing I was still young
Those good old days

I wish somebody would have told me, babe
That someday, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

Wish I didn’t think I had the answers
Wish I didn’t drink all of that flask first
Wish I made it to homecoming
Got up the courage to ask her
Wish I would’ve gotten out of my shell
Wish I put the bottle back on that shelf
Wish I wouldn’t have worry about what other people thought
And felt comfortable in myself
Rooftop open, and the stars above
Moment frozen, sneakin’ out, and fallin’ in love
Me, you and that futon, we’d just begun
On the grass dreamin’, figuring out who I was
Those good old days

I wish somebody would have told me, babe
That someday, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

Never thought we’d get old, maybe we’re still young
Maybe you always look back and think it was better than it was
Maybe these are the moments
Maybe I’ve been missin’ what it’s about
Been scared of the future, thinkin’ about the past
While missin’ out on now
We’ve come so far, I guess I’m proud
And I ain’t worried ’bout the wrinkles ’round my smile
I’ve got some scars, I’ve been around
I’ve felt some pain, I’ve seen some things, but I’m here now
Those good old days

You don’t know what you’ve got
‘Til it goes, ’til it’s gone
You don’t know what you’ve got
‘Til it goes, ’til it’s gone

I wish somebody would have told me, babe
Someday, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days

Inconsistency in blogging

13 Apr

When I first started blogging 8 years ago, I blogged here and there and then throughout the years there were times where I blogged every day; sometimes multiple times a day.  Right now I often don’t blog when I’m having a good day.  But here are some updates.  I’m in my “4th year” at the university I go to as a transfer student.  So a Senior but will be staying 2 extra quarters to get my double major in Spanish, before it was just Linguistics.  I’m taking 4 classes this quarter, am an officer for 2 clubs, volunteer regularly for a few events that are weekly/monthly, and am working on getting a NAMI Connection support group going on campus.

I seem to be able to bounce back from symptoms relatively quickly for the most part.  And even when it takes me awhile, it is with things that would normally have a huge impact and destroy life events/decisions.  When I look how far I’ve come it amazes me.  But then I feel like I don’t want to say that, because I don’t want to jinx things.

I still have symptoms but it’s manageable.  Today in class the room looked like it was rocking back and forth and I was getting dizzy.  Uncomfortable but I can deal with that, after a little bit it went away.  Focusing and grounding helps.

Repeatedly finding myself in bed

8 Apr

I’m repeatedly finding myself in bed again. It’s not so much that I’m depressed and isolating or have no energy to deal with the world. It’s just that I seem bored all the time and it leads me to bed. I could be cleaning my room or doing laundry but that’s all I can really think of besides going to bed. I do my things and go to bed. I miss socializing as much work as it is. Maybe I’ll start going back to the 20 something’s group except I can’t go this Thursday. Or to the universities Lgbt events. Right now it’s just get bored go to bed. Luckily one of my roommates was sleeping so the one that rarely comes out came out and we watched some Netflix.

Feeling self destructive

6 Apr

I’m finally feeling better at least out of the failure loop and not spending most of the day isolating, in bed, or dealing with intense emotions.  Of course now I feel like doing things that have the potential to get me back to how I was or worse.  Part of it is that I don’t feel like I deserve to be doing well.  Part of it is I am sick of dealing with this aspect of my life by just “not dealing with it.”  I know it’s the worst time of any to try, but I’m frustrated and at this point don’t care and think I deserve whatever problems come to me.  I guess I should try to stay away from making decisions right now.  We’ll see.

Rarity: Looking for support

2 Apr

It’s not often I go out of myself to seek support.  I don’t really like people knowing what’s going on with me.  I generally don’t like people who always do what I just did on Facebook but I felt desperate and nothing else seemed to be working.  So I posted on one of my personal Facebook accounts about this failure loop that’s been going on for a couple weeks.  I din’t mention how bad it was, or the suicidality along with it or anything like that.  Just toned it down looking for advice or support, not like me usually.  I got some which was nice and now I have a few affirmations I’m trying to repeat every time this loop keeps trying to get out of control to stop it.  Hopefully it will help.

In addition to that I’m having borderline symptoms I’m trying to deal with.  I am giving myself a lot of credit because considering the circumstances I think I am doing a very good job.  It’s amazing to think I have come this far.  Even two years ago I would not have been in a very bad place with rejection/abandonment feelings and suicidal and self harm stuff.  It’s not to say that it doesn’t come and go, but it’s not constant and I don’t let it live there.  I try to be realistic and move forward with my life.

29 Mar

I feel like I keep getting stuck in this world that is not the now, but not the future.  It is some world that does not really exist and that I do not like either.  In it I am a failure and I’d rather be dead.  I’m trying to distract as that’s the key DBT skill I’m using not to focus and retreat to this inner place but it keeps happening.  I’m at the “”Happiest place on Earth” yet the thoughts are still coming and I keep getting stuck.  I don’t know how to fix it as I don’t have a future and have no way to plan what that seems “worthy.”  I’m so behind already at 35.  I’m trying not to get down, but it’s hard not to.  I thought getting out on my own and going to college and stuff would help.  It has in a way, I’m functioning better but I’m also better able to see how far I am behind and I think see my limitations at ever catching up.

Dysphoria: one for the other

26 Mar

I’m having a rough time with hygiene lately. The sensory processing disorder is popping back up with showering issues; I had it under control and was showering regularly but not anymore. It’s a combination of water temperature and pressure and I’ve tried to alter it to no avail. Plus even when I was doing “okay” in the shower I was still having an issue with my hands getting wet.

I stopped taking baths because of the gender dysphoria I was having with seeing my body squished in the bath tub. The last few weeks I’ve been on and off at my parents and I’ve taken a few baths. I’ve noticed my legs have gotten hairer probably because of the testosterone which helps alter off some of the negative dysphoria I feel.

PTSD Wonderings

26 Mar

Sometimes the complications seem not so bad and that’s because they were years ago. And then I think do I want to chance going through that again? But am I just willing to give up sex indefinitely? The last time I went into PTSD mode was because I just had sex with this random guy who turned out to be a really bad guy and set off a lot of symptoms and triggers. I have symptoms and stuff with no sexual exposure but it’s pretty minimal unless I get stuck in a PTSD loop. The thing is I’m not in a relationship and don’t have good social/people skills. So sex again would most likely be with just some random guy. I think it might be better since I’m living as trans now and that itself takes away some of the trauma. But who knows. And it could just be another bad person.

21 Mar

It’s alone and a stressful time with finals. My roommate was playing a triggering song this afternoon. I studied for an hour and a half that’s all I could take. The voices are bothering me now. Yesternight was rough and 20 something’s friend kinda helped me through it, but it’s all coming back plus some. So over this.

NAMI Connection Groups and Counseling

18 Mar

I had two appointments on Friday, practically back to back, one at 1:30 with the therapist and then one at 3pm with my case manager.  I had talked about going to these NAMI Connection support groups in anticipation for leading my own at the college campus I go to.  The thing is I can relate to a lot of people and give suggestions or advice; like in my last blog I was talking about the PTSD and Prazosin.  I’ve also mentioned ways to cope with self-harm and voices/psychosis.  Going through this process has shown me two things.  One I had/have a huge variety of problems and two I am way better than I once was.  Of course I tend to focus on number one, but my case manger was trying to get me to focus on the second one.  She wants me to see all the progress and accomplishments I have made.  In one sense I know I’ve done a lot of work and endured a bunch of shit to get where I am today, but still I don’t acknowledge it as something I did.