30 MIAC Results/Round Up

12 Oct

MIA challenge

In an effort to find the response to those participating in the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge easier to find, I am posting and updating this page to include the links to each day’s results/round up.

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30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC.  If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt.  I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word.  You can also start at anytime.  I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

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30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge: Day 16

22 Sep

Master List

16. What advice would you give to someone about self harm?

People will try to shame you.  It may not be the best way to cope but you have enough guilt already so don’t beat yourself up even more.  Be careful who you talk to about it, people are very judgmental.  There are other things that you can do instead.

Observing and Describing Emotions Worksheet (hurt, rejected, taken advantage of)

22 Sep

Name:   Marci    Date:  9/18/14

Emotion Names:  Hurt    Rejected   Taken advantage of   Intensity (0-100): 100

Prompting Event for my emotion (who, what, when, where) What started the emotion?:

  • Been a bad day, up and down for weeks.
  • Wasn’t sure about group, but went anyways.
  • After group go to the bar and people inviting each other to go back out Friday, I’m not invited.

Interpretations (beliefs, assumptions, appraisals) of the situation?:

  • They don’t like me
  • Stop trying
  • Fuck them
  • You did this to yourself

Body changes and sensing. What am I feeling in my body?

  • wrists tingly
  • crying

Body Language. What is my facial expression? posture? gestures?

 

Action Urges. What do I feel like doing?  What do I want to say?:

  • OD
  • not go to appointment
  • Stop going to group
  • cut
  • unfriend people on Facebook
  • Blog

What I said or did in the situation. (be specific):

  • 2 Valium and Nyquil.
  • Fill out this worksheet
  • Cry myself to sleep.

What After Effect does the emotion have on me (my state of mind, other emotions, behavior, thoughts, memory, body, etc.):

 

 

Poem: no gold star

22 Sep

IMG_3595-1.PNG

No gold star for not overdosing
No gold star for never getting arrested
No gold star for not getting violent
No gold star for not making direct threats
No gold star for not killing a bunch of people and then yourself
No gold star for not turning to drugs
No gold star for seeking treatment
No gold star for not giving up
No gold star for me.

You’re not suppose to do any of that stuff anyways.

I’m sick :(

22 Sep

I’ve had that swollen tickle feeling in the back of my throat since Sat. Now I’m sick, sore throat, runny nose, and headache and the slightest feeling of nausea.

Protected: My parents did a lot of damage in other ways

22 Sep

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Update: Last couple days

22 Sep

So it’s been a bit since I last updated with the general one being Friday.

Friday night we ended up going to Random Restaurant Friday and 20 something’s friend came too.  He was coming over to study and use the internet since his has been out for the last week.  We ended up having to wait 30 minutes to an hour which was why he ended up joining the family with us for Random Restaurant Friday.  Lil sis and her boyfriend came to town for the weekend for dad’s surprise birthday party and almost ended up joining us for dinner.  It would have made the wait even longer so I had my sister use her disuading voice and they went to dinner at Costco.  So hanging out with my friend Friday helped me feel better.

Saturday was spent a lot of the time just trying to past the time till my date.  We were putting the last minute details to dad’s surprise birthday party that was happening the next day.  I went to the party store with my sister to buy supplies.  I got ready and was trying on different outfits, it was such a new experience for me.  The girl was texting me and I was sort of wishing I had set up the dinner date earlier.  Anyways, the date went well.  I felt awkward and anxious the entire time, which I was totally expecting.  I wasn’t expecting to eat as much food as I did but with it in front of me and being nervous I just gobbled it all up.  I have this thing I do where I think all silence is an awkward silence and I just ramble, probably about things I shouldn’t talk about or that make other people weirded out but that’s just what I do.  So I ended up disclosing my mental illness and my current work/living situation and why that was.  She seemed cool with it so that was good.  She said she was manic depressive but then when I mentioned the term bipolar she was like no I don’t get angry… so not sure exactly how much she understands about mental illness.  She mentioned that she is trans and it was all very confusing to me and being in the moment I didn’t ask much about it but I definitely have some questions for next time we get together, which hopefully will be this upcoming weekend.  After we finished dinner and dessert, we walked to our cars and ended up talking for an extra like 15 minutes which was kinda strange because I didn’t know how to say goodbye and it was like we both didn’t want to leave each other yet.  I also like didn’t know how to close the date off and at the end she was like is it okay if I hug you, I’m a hugger (or something like that) and we had a goodnight hug and then each drove home.  On the way home I texted her that I had a nice time and that if she was serious about grilling the at rib eye (something we were talking about at dinner) I was up for it and she said yes, which made me think we’ll have another date.  I am not the initiator in relationships of any kind really so it’s going to be weird how this works out… like I totally would have been down for a good night kiss but didn’t want to try and have her turn away or something.  With my rejection issues and how the week had been going I wouldn’t have been able to handle it.  She talked about being really indecisive when we met but she seems confident.  I don’t know maybe I’ll tell her that with my lack of relationship experience I’ll let her take the lead, another awkward/word vomit thing when I was talking about my lack of relationships.  I don’t really know what I’m doing and I’m not super invested so I guess it’s kind of exciting figuring all this out.

Sunday/today I was suppose to distract dad for 2 hours while the people got there for the surprise party and set up.  I was a little nervous about us getting into an argument or something because that’s been happening a lot lately but the plan actually went off without a hitch.  We went mini golfing because we couldn’t go out to eat, the surprise party had all his favorite foods.  It kinda worked out in a funny situation because since last week we had the argument when we were eating that I was kind of using him as just someone to go to eat with, so I played on that.  I won the mini golf game by one point!  Afterwards I played in the arcade and won these awesome glasses with my tickets.

me star glasses

The time it took to drive out there back, play one game of mini golf and play a little arcade games, was perfect and my dad was very surprised.  The party was okay, I spent most of it hanging out with my grandma or inside.  My uncle (dad’s brother) and grandpa (dad’s dad) came along with some of my dad’s friends.  I don’t really like my uncle and grandpa and they are too much like my dad so it’s like an overdose of that personality/persona.  It’s also awkward because when the abuse questions were going on my mom implied that my grandpa may have sexually abused me and it some how got back to my dad.  Everything in this family get’s back to people, although I don’t think he ever knew/knows it was my mom who put the idea there.  But like with everything and my bad memory I can’t say that something did or didn’t happen and I’m not sure if it’s blown over or what not but obviously don’t want to say anything.  Also my dad’s friends that came brought their daughters and while they are my age, my sisters talk to them more and I don’t even think I said hi.  I just don’t relate and I don’t like being too social anyways.  I would have been hanging out with the kids, like I usually do but they’re both 12 now and were too busy on their iPhones listening to music and doing whatever to be bothered.

Now 20 something’s friend is over and I’m typing up this blog instead of doing homework, lol.  I did accomplish a little bit by finishing a journal entry for French class.

Some more about friendship

20 Sep

It’s quality not quantity. I’d rather have a few real friends than a bunch of fake friends who trigger me. It’s really hard for me to hold on to that and I’m not sure I can be around people I’m suppose to be “friends” with that may be using me, are superficial, or not reciprocating. So for now for my mental health’s sake it’s time to take a break.

I’m a little fearful because that means more free time. I’m also afraid I’ll cling to the few real friends I have more and bother them or scare them away.

Putting it all together

19 Sep

I’m really insecure and sensitive to rejection, abandonment, or just feeling left out. As a defense mechanism I used to just not put effort into relationships, so when nothing happened there was a reason. Lately I’ve been putting an immense amount of effort in a few relationships and socializing in general. And I feel like it’s only really paid off with one person. It seems like the other people are using me; for what I have, for what I know, or for who I know. I feel like I’m putting in all this effort and being taken advantage of. As if that wasn’t bad enough it really triggers me emotionally and makes me want to shut down all energy I’m putting into my life in all areas, not just the specific one that isn’t going well.

Last night when I got home, I took a bunch of NyQuil and 2 Valium in addition to my night time Meds. I also filled out a DBT worksheet. And managed to get to sleep without cutting or ODing (not that I had much to do it on). I woke up struggling with the same emotions and thinking I just need to give up and am not worth anything at all. There are/were a couple events this weekend I was planing on quitting them all.

Dr. appt with psychiatrist which ended up getting canceled and rescheduled for a month out. I’ve been thinking I don’t deserve disability and worrying about getting denied for federal. My mental illnesses are out of control and my dr. isn’t willing to or doesn’t think anything can be done pharmaceutically. So there was no point in going other than getting a note saying I’m unable to work, for state disability. Which I’m doubting I deserve and if I’d be able to go through with my master plan anyways. So I was thinking about skipping the appt or not asking for the paperwork. Well I didn’t even need to make the decision since the appt was canceled.

Tonight is also suppose to be the restart up of “random restaurant Friday” something we did last time brother-in-law was in his mon-fri academy. I wasn’t sure if I’d go. I was thinking of blocking out everything but family. As bad as they can be for me, they don’t leave really. Although that’s not a true statement but the family is so complicated, so let’s move on.

Next was my first date, where I’ve ever asked anyone out which is on Saturday night. So I was thinking of canceling that and how she won’t like me anyways. It sucks because a lot of people don’t even know about the date, so it’s hard to get the support and reassurance I need. Plus canceling it was just another way to sabotage things, and there is the part that’s been all about that today.

Sunday is dads surprise birthday party and study night. I’ve been so preoccupied thinking about these unreciprocated friendships that I’ve wanted to stop all friendships, even the good one I have with 20 something’s friend. While I was at that why not just drop my classes then I won’t even have an excuse to spend time with this friend. It’d screw up my life more with my education and and I’d be moved up to level 2 academic probation. Just more evidence that I fuck up everything in my life, even things in good at like school. Well not sure if it’s me or the mental illnesses but we are so intertwined, I don’t bother differentiating.

I thought about the hospital today. But that would just keep me alive longer and I’d have to do damage control after. It’s a good thing I don’t have access to my pills and can’t own a gun. Since I’ve been so impulsive lately. It took quite a bit of energy not to just swerve into the divider last night, while driving home.

So the gist is this: I’m going to stop going to group for a little while, maybe forever. I don’t know and a large part will probably be based on the reaction I get. I’m still going on my date, luckily the NyQuil has flattened my emotions otherwise I’d probably be nervous as hell. For now I stay with school, more so because of study night and going to class gives me at least something to do. Disability and all that are on hold till oct 17th anyways. So I guess I’ll just keep with that.

If things keep up, I will end up in hospital again or just give up. It’s just too much at one time.

19 Sep

You gotta stop doing all the effort. If people cared, if it was right you shouldn’t have to do everything. Time to start filtering things and people out. Destroy mode is so pissed and hurt she wants to throw everything and everyone out but I know that’s not smart. Now I just gotta try and not let her do it.

19 Sep

I can put myself out there again and again but most people don’t like me. They just want to use me for what I have and who I know. I thought things were different, I should’ve known. At least one less thing to do that I haven’t been enjoying. Pdoc canceled today must have known I was thinking of no showing. Not like he cares or is doing anything to help me feel better. Hopefully by the reschedule appt in mid October I’ll be done with all of this. ALL OF THIS!

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