I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
Suspend judgement, reach out to me, reassure me, love me.
Originally posted on closertohappiness:
I have been thinking about what I value in friendships and relationships in general (e.g. the people I want in my inner circle). Here’s what I came up with:
I am looking for and value people who:
- Respect me. Respect my opinion even if we disagree. Are willing to see where I’m coming from. Listen to me.
- Keep in touch with me. I appreciate when reaching out happens on both sides.
- Have a sense of humor. Appreciate mine. Laugh.
- Are willing to have deep conversations.
- Are willing to grow. Are working on their own healing work. Are willing to acknowledge mine.
- See my experiences as valid.
- Are content with quiet moments. Sometimes the best connections come from the spaces between words.
- Are curious about what I’m doing.
- Accept me for who I am. Love me for it.
- Are empathetic.
- Communicate. Are honest.
- See and treat me as a peer.
- Play. Create…
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“There are things you get from the silent devoted companionship of a dog that you can get from no other source.” ― Doris Day30 Aug
Originally posted on Living with Borderline Personality Disorder:
Today – August 26th – is National Dog Day!
I would like to use the opportunity to dedicate a quick post to my dogs, and to all dogs out there, who have in some way supported the lives of their owners – especially those suffering with mental illness like myself.
At the moment at my Dad’s house we have a dog aged (almost) 5 and a puppy aged 8 months (who prefer to remain anonymous!). The 5-year old, M, and I have a special relationship and I love him with all my heart. I always joke to people that he is the “canine version” of myself – we are similarly sensitive, submissive, and needy, and in need of a lot of attention and affection – and really, it is the truth! I love him like he is my baby, and everybody in my life knows it too.
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Things I miss:
- The energy I had when hypomanic
- Parts of high school
- PK (fist love)
- back 1s (sometimes, one of the sets of voices)
- My weight before psych meds (obviously was way less)
- Being easily entertained
- Dexter (My sister’s old English Bulldog)
- Mr. B (Our old cat)
- Memories (kind of, not sure if it’s for better or worse)
Learning to be happy- hard
Learning to be happy with yourself- harder
Learning to be happy by yourself- seemingly impossible.
Yet I’m trying all 3. Today is a bounce back from Wednesday and Thursday. I was considering making an emergency counseling appointment Wednesday because of my state of mind and the nightmares, I really should have. Thursdays badness was just residual and consequences of Wednesday. I have a tendency to hang on to emotions, even negative ones. I feel like if I just “get over it” it diminishes the intensity and realness of it. When really I should just be happy that it’s over. Learning new things that should be duh. I’m making a deliberate choices and using skills to try and be happy. It’s different.
It seems I am never happy with myself. I could always have done better and I focus on my shortcomings as opposed to what I did right. So I made some dumb choices on Wednesday, but I also managed to make it to my most important class. I’m determined not to be in the hospital for at least a little while, so I’m going to need some cope ahead skills. This is also involves learning what makes me happy, which I should really know by the age of 32.
I don’t do well alone. Yet I also need sometime to be alone to recharge. I also often feel really alone when surrounded by people. Especially when it looks like groups are having fun and I’m not in on it or I don’t get it. That’s one of the main reasons I’m stopping going to group. Hopefully it will help me tolerate being alone better and
help force me to realize sometimes I don’t even want to be with those people or do those things, but I want to be invited. Really silly and childish, but it’s me and I gotta figure out how to deal with it. Also when thinking about transferring to a 4 year school, I’d be living alone or at least with people I don’t know (which is like alone to me). I also have so many life skills to learn. Feeling a sense of excited anxiety.
I felt like dying inside today. I slept most the day. I washed my hair. I ate lunch. I slept some more. I wrote a couple blogs. I led group. I had my feelings hurt. I remembered why I want to quit group. I remembered why I joined group. I was plastic fantastic.
Now I go cry myself to sleep. Why does life have to be so complicated.
First let me say sorry, I haven’t gotten back to comments, I’m super overwhelmed right now and am in somewhat of survival mode.
So one of the main ways my Borderline Personality Disorder manifests itself is in the first criteria:
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
What the lovely DSM leaves out is impending abandonment. And for all purposes I’m using the word abandonment just because it is in the criteria and it fits how I feel but it is talking about the end/loss of a friendship. My go to used to be not to get close to people because then they could never leave you. It was pretty lonely, but it was safe. Out of the three people that are important to me, I’ve had to go through some hard times with temporary abandonment/loss.
With my sister it was when she got her new job and didn’t have as much time for me. The dynamics of our friendship/relationship changed. I had to carefully consider if it was “worth” bothering her when she already had so much on her plate. In the past I’d normally be the one receiving the support and having the bad days and bad moods; when she got into her job that changed and I found myself consoling and reassuring her. I don’t mind it but it was such a dramatic shift to finally realize she had problems too, and it wasn’t all about me. Sometimes, I think that stretch/change strengthened our relationship but sometimes I long for the past that I could call her up any time and she would try her hardest to make me feel better. My sister is family so odds are we will never truly be apart or leave each others life.
With my case manager, it was when she left (went on leave) abruptly with no explanation and also no timeline on when of if she’d be back. Unfortunately this coincided with the changes with my sister. I would just lay in bed, with my mom. I stopped going to school, I stopped going out, I stopped everything. I thought I was the reason she left, I had just disclosed some really personal stuff prior to her leaving. It was horrible for three or four months. Then my mom read in the newspaper that her son had cancer and it helped a little. I still missed her and didn’t have much support, other than the therapist they gave me (which I got again in addition later.) I never realized how important the relationship was until she left. I’ve been seeing my case manager for 5 years and for the most part it’s on my terms. I don’t think she would ever terminate treatment with me, though I sometimes wonder if I had an unsuccessful suicide attempt if she would. But we’re kind of tethered together until I don’t need therapy anymore.
And now with 20 somethings friend it is the most difficult. I never meant to get as close as I did to him. And in most ways I’m happy the experiences and emotions it has made me feel. But it’s a two way relationship and not just on my terms, he’s not family, it’s just different. I know he’s going away for school in the fall. And my insides are torn up on what to do about it. Wanting to cling, end the relationship, or just go crazy. Along with that I’m constantly obsessively thinking about the time we have left. After every interaction, I’m questioning if it’s worth it, if I’m pulling away, if he’s pulling away, what the discomfort is, why I feel so leery.
And then there is the stuff I am going through with the future and school, which mostly only 20 somethings friend knows about. I haven’t brought it up much with my case manager because I usually am focusing with her on how to deal with the loss of the relationship. People move on and grow apart, it’s part of life. But for a borderline it is excruciatingly painful and sets me into panic mode.