In an effort to find the response to those participating in the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge easier to find, I am posting and updating this page to include the links to each day’s results/round up.
I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC. If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt. I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word. You can also start at anytime. I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
I’ve been on and off psych meds since I was 10 years old. And pretty much consistently on them since age 17. I’ve never been one to be sexually attracted to other people. It’s rare and since my teen years when it was only women I was attracted to and I tried to suppress all those feelings. About 6 months or so ago, my sexual attractions and feelings came back for awhile and it was overwhelming. I started to seriously pursue online dating in the hopes of engaging in sexual behavior. I did a little, and it was good but my issues prevented me from enjoying it fully. Since coming out of the hospital (late Oct.) and even more new meds the sexual desire is gone again. Social situations are difficult for me, so you can imagine my anxiety with dating. I also have the BPD rejection and abandonment feelings. I feel like the sexual attraction/desire has to be pretty great for me to overcome these barriers. When in my early 20’s I thought maybe I was asexual because I had no attraction, my attraction to women was shut down and I’ve never really been attracted to men. There was a great post that I re-blogged awhile ago on Grey-sexual. I think that’s what I am, and the article talks about things that make the grey-sexual one. Like mental health issues, past trauma, and other things I meet. But with my current life circumstances and past history that’s what I chose. I happen to like labels they make things simpler in my opinion. I imagine if I had a big sex drive before meds I’d have trouble being compliant, I hear that’s one of the top reasons people stop taking their psych meds. So for now I’m still going to practice the online dating just not as energetic as I was earlier in the fall.
Still pretty much in the same blah mood, though maybe it’s lifted or shifted about a level up. I was really annoyed with family earlier today and the fact that they “only” pay attention to me when I’m depressed or struggling. (I put the only in quotes because I know it’s not always true.) I went to see my case manager today and mentioned what they did and how it was making me feel like I have to be struggling in order to get attention or care, and she was quick to say if I even get it then.
I have a lot of stuff coming up for the holidays and I am trying to focus on that. Tomorrow for group we are making Christmas ornaments and I’m leading it, also in the AM is my last final. Saturday is high school friend’s Christmas party. Monday me and 20 something’s friend are making and decorating Christmas cookies. Tuesday is an anxiety class and a friend from group is having a holiday get together. Wednesday is a therapy appointment and Christmas eve dinner with family and 20 something’s friend. Thursday is Christmas. The week after that is a 3 day cabin trip for New Years.
Today has been sort of blah. Like a light grey cloud of depression suspiciously following me around, but not pouring rain on my head. I woke up a lot like yesterday, same mindset, same mood. My mind has been going crazy lately with anxiety about friendships and my fears of abandonment. Today I took a little step against it by writing a message and while it didn’t resolve anything at least I’m not trying to hide it and pretend everything is okay. I’ve done a lot of that in my life already. I’ve eaten terribly today lots of junk and sugar but I’m trying to justify it by my mood. My intensive case manager called today and I didn’t answer or call her back. It’s all the same questions, and while I do feel safe I don’t feel good.
It’s been a crappy day and I have spent most of it in bed. I didn’t do any studying and my mind has been running away with itself and how I’m such a bad person. Abandonment fears and anxieties. Also when my mood drops I panic that it won’t go back up and I’ll fall into another long depression. It’s also been a fat day, a day where my weight bothers me more than usual and I can feel all my fat rolls. Just overall mostly a bad day. The only good part was getting a text from a friend. My sister was going to go with me to get ice cream, and she rarely does; but the ice cream parlor was closed with special hours. Just seems nothing is working out. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day
So there is a war going on in my mind today. The stronger louder parts are being criticizing and talking about how no one really likes me. I’m just convent because I have no life. If I stop trying I will get nothing. They are just being nice and only when they feel like it. Someone’s always before you, you’re nobody’s number one. Everything is changing and you’ll lose what you have. Why bother trying.
I just want someone to comfort me. There has to be people that like me even if they don’t like me as much as I wish they did. Most people have lives, so they can’t be with you 24/7.
I guess it’s the emotional mind battling the wise mind. Funny wise mind couldn’t even show up till someone texted me and fight mode kicked in. I wish life wasn’t such a fight and I could comfort myself.
I’m going to takeover and this is an experiment. Fuck coping all the time. I’m still messed up at the core and if I sit still too long it sneaks up on me. Well I’m not chasing you away today. I only kinda know why, I’m not all here today.
I think I tend to force things into what I think they should be, problem is sometimes I guess I’m not right or things are fine the way they are or whatever. I guess I just make it awkwarder, when trying to make a situation less awkward. I forget not everyone likes conversation and silence doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. While I am usually all for learning what I can do better in situations, it bothers me that there is always something to point out- no matter how well things went. I guess I thought that if I can force things to be perfect, I will be. :(
So the holiday party went great. I was surprised but almost every person participated in the white elephant gift exchange. I got some truffles and a little wooden puzzle thing. There were 12 of us total. I have a lot of left over baking stuff but not much left over real food stuff. As I was preping for the party, I got done like 2 hours early so I was messaging blogger friend and it was nice we hadn’t talked in awhile. I was sort of flashed-back to high school where I was always the party host, I think it’s a good thing because socially wise high school was the best time period. There were only a couple moments where I felt awkward or was kinda wondering how things were going. But I think most people had fun. The other night I got a message on the online dating site from a cute girl about “hanging out” so I need to reply but looking forward to that. I feel sort of awkward about this moving out thing because the therapist was already asking me about it and it hasn’t even been 2 months since my last hospitalization. 20 somethings friend is moving and I mentioned moving with him. I also mentioned it to family friend. Neither seemed to receptive and I’m not sure I’m ready but if I did I know I’d be transitioning staying part time with my parents and part time wherever I was trying to live.
I’m on the “up” side of things and I can’t sleep. It’s only 1:15am but usually I’m in bed by 11 or midnight. My minds racing with stuff to do for the party tomorrow but not in an anxious way. I can’t really get much done cuz lil sis and her boyfriend are sleeping in the living room which is attached to the kitchen. I’m trying to take a bath to relax, we’ll see how that goes.
WordPress Daily Prompt 12/10/14: “Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.” — Sylvia Plath
Which do you find more dangerous: wanting nothing, or wanting everything?
I love Sylvia Plath and I think this quote is true for a lot of people with mental health issues. With the BPD I tend to go into all or nothing thinking and I even had to put “prompt” in the tittle of this post so it wasn’t seen as a general post. Sometimes wanting everything also turns into expecting everything. I think it is more dangerous to want nothing, because that means I am really close to giving up.