In an effort to find the response to those participating in the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge easier to find, I am posting and updating this page to include the links to each day’s results/round up.
I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC. If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt. I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word. You can also start at anytime. I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
I’ve felt on the edge all morning. Now I feel myself slowly slipping off, with an audience who doesn’t care. I’m the one to blame. Don’t know why I can’t tolerate this. I’m the broken one. People are not suppose to be like this.
I don’t like WordPress’ new format why can’t they just keep things the way they are! On another note I’m doing pretty well. Cabin trip is Mon-Wed so hopefully I will still be doing well by then. I had my date today but I don’t feel like we really clicked. I logged into my old facebook to check on the cabin trip and saw someone’s post that upset me a little, I just logged out real quick into my new one and played some candy crush. I printed some pictures today of characters and me from Disneyland, there are a lot. I took too long of a nap and now I’m afraid I’m not going to sleep as well tonight. I talked with 20 something’s friend which is always nice and we got some blizzards. Sometimes I just come away from conversations and hanging out with this sense of dread when we may not be friends anymore. He’s the type that moves on and I’m the type that won’t let go. so we’ll see how that goes, I guess only time will tell
Goals for tomorrow
- Brush teeth
- At least one chunk of homework
- Go for a walk (hopefully with my sister)
- Swim a bit
- Maybe work on smash
I’ve been getting down on myself lately because I’ve been having such a rough time. Also doubting if the medicine is still working and if this is going to be another multi-month depression. Today I had an appointment with my case manager and it went really good. She was comparing now to how I was this year last time. I don’t remember things so good but she was reading messages I wrote her. She also talked about getting better in shades and I was joking about how many more shades do I have to go through. She seemed concerned about Monday’s mini psychosis but I dealt with it well. She said it seems like I’m crashing but at least not burning. I think that’s a great way to explain what’s going on. I’m not going to let these blips ruin my progress.
Here are 45 questions to help you get to know your loved ones a whole lot better and bolster your bond. Be sure to follow up each question with “Why?”
- What’s something about yourself that you hope will never change?
My resilience, perseverance and determination when dealing with mental illness on a daily basis. I really fear getting to that point where I just give up.
- What books have you read that’ve had a big influence on you?
Mostly psychology books. I really liked New Hope for Borderline Personality Disorder, the DSM, the PDR, the It gets better project book, and a book on schizoaffective. I read a lot of books on psychology topics because I believe knowledge is power, and I need all the power I can get.
- What goals have you recently set for yourself? How are you doing with these goals so far?
I ended up self harming earlier in the month, so my goal is to stop self harming again. My New Year Resolutions were to brush my teeth, go for at least a 10 minute walk, and 3 dates within 3 months. I’ve been doing pretty good on the walking and brushing my teeth, I don’t do it everyday but a lot more than I use to. I was going out with the ex so I already had 3 dates, but I have one with a new girl from the dating site this Saturday.
- What strange habit do you have?
I have a lot of strange habits. Probably one people think most weird is that I don’t like getting my hands wet, so I don’t wash my hands, put lotion on, or like people to touch my hands.
- What do you think is your best quality?
My thoughtfulness. I’m always trying to make people’s day and show them how important they are to me.
- What fear would you like to overcome?
My fear of abandonment. It’s probably the most intense fear I have and it effects me a lot and my relationships.
- What person, dead or alive, do you wish you could be more like?
Anyone happier than me, I’d say yesterday or Wednesday. But most days I’m okay with being myself I think I’m a very unique person who has had a lot of unique life experiences.
- Growing up, what was your favorite children’s story or fairy tale?
I don’t really remember my childhood but I use to love to watch The Little Mermaid and sing the songs.
- What’s your favorite poem or saying?
“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” “Without sadness there can be no empathy.”
- What’s one of your greatest accomplishments?
No self harming for over 2 years, up until just recently. Completing a 1/2 marathon. Staying alive through all life has thrown at me and not making a serious suicide attempt.
So I’m not doing well. Yesterday I only went to 1/2 of math class and then went home and took a Valium. I had an appointment with the therapist who seems to think I am doing fine. I went home and laid in bed for awhile and then went to paint nite with my mom. As soon as I got home I took my night pills and another Valium and went to bed. Today I’ve spent a lot of the day in bed. I didn’t go to school again. I did manage to go out to eat with my dad. I feel ugh inside. My sister is coming over tonight and we are going to hand out. I hope I’m feeling better by Monday, as I have a cabin trip with some friends.
Interesting point, the therapist asked me if there was anything that triggered this downward fall, I mentioned the stuff about human sexuality class and she mentioned something about working on it. It’s interesting because the case manager doesn’t want to deal with it but I’m not comfortable talking with the therapist about this stuff.
its my busiest day all week and I don’t want to do anything. On the verge of tears, dealing with back 2 voices, and visions. I think I’ll stay for 1/2 of math then go home. Make it to see the therapist and do the painting with my mom. It’s days like this I hate. I don’t want to be me.
I read a post yesterday about memory. It was talking about how a lot of memories can’t be fully trusted because most we are remembering as a child. When we re-process we may feel different about the memories and edit small details or content. What the post was trying to show the importance of was to lessen the emotional impact of the memories. And why would you want to know the memories anyways?
I’ve mentioned many times here I don’t have clear memories probably due to the combination of ECT and a chaotic childhood. I want some clarity and some form of closure on past events, specifically childhood. No I don’t want to replay them in my head or have someone to blame. It’s just really important to me and would help me understand some stuff I’m dealing with today. I feel like my memories are cloudy containers of different sizes with arms and feet. I can’t see clearly what’s in the containers and there are multiple. Every now and then they will sneak back into my life and cause havoc. I fight them, get them, under control, tie them up, until they escape again. I wish I could just get rid of their feet. Then I would be in control of when I wanted to access them and when it’s better just put away.
And a list of good ways to be supportive in general.
Originally posted on Let's Queer Things Up!:
Cross-posted via Everyday Feminism
My partner is pounding on the door, begging me to unlock it.
I’m sitting in front of a tall mirror, tears falling quietly down my face, as I clutch my shirt in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other.
The amount of panic my chest has caused me in the last three months has reached a breaking point. I stare, helplessly, at a body that both confuses and terrifies me.
As I look at myself, my body trembling, I’m reminded of the times as a child when I would take the heads off of my Lego characters and place them on different bodies – only this time, the stakes are real, and the stakes are high.
I can recognize my face, but everything else feels so, so wrong.
My partner manages to pick the lock, and they push through the door. Their…
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