30 MIAC Results/Round Up

12 Oct

MIA challenge

In an effort to find the response to those participating in the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge easier to find, I am posting and updating this page to include the links to each day’s results/round up.

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30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC.  If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt.  I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word.  You can also start at anytime.  I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

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Psychiatrist appt and update

23 Aug

So I went and saw my psychiatrist yesterday, the appointment that I was really nervous about.  I read by Draft letter and the appointment went more like a therapy session, which was awkward because my psychiatrist has a different personality.  I went in to the appointment knowing it was likely we weren’t doing anything with medication at this time; just this last Sunday I upped the dose of the Latuda to 80mg.  My point was I wanted my fears to be heard about him just giving up on medication being effective for me and therefore potentially turning a blind eye if anything in the future would be a possibility.  He focused on this being an abandonment fear a bit too much for me, he always seems to emphasize the BPD but did talk about the depression being real.  He also said my depression is refractory, which from what I understand means treatment resistant.  He mentioned that is common if you try 3-4 different medications and have no effect- I’ve been on 40 plus ECT and the VNS Therapy.  The things he did say that reassured me were in his typical awkward style, like that is something were psychopharmacologically different from what I have tried and not still experimental of course I would get it because it would save Kaiser so much money.  Also he let slip that he was willing to increase my Latuda up to 120mg, which has me feeling a little more assured because I though he was only going to go as high as 80mg and I’ve been on that before.  So staying at 80mg till an appointment in 4 weeks which is unheard of with my insurance.  Then going to reassess.

School starts Monday.  A couple days this week I’ve had a little more energy so I’m not as terrified as not being able to keep up with my school schedule.  It might even be good for me giving me something to do.  My sister and brother-in-law might be getting another English Bulldog which means I’d have another one to watch a lot of the time, I’d be really excited if this depression allowed me to feel it.  His name is Gibson and he is from a rescue organization.  Also is my sister has kids and the kids aren’t compatible, I’ll probably get the dog to my self.  We’ve talked in therapy a number of times about me getting a dog but because of the cat and all his medical problems my dad is against it.  What else is new… not much summer is winding down and I was thinking about doing a summer in review post.


very thought provoking!

22 Aug


True.  “If you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection.”  -Lecrae

Originally posted on More Than Skin Deep.:

if you live for people's acceptance, you will die from their rejection

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A couple techie questions

22 Aug

I have a couple questions for the techies out there that can maybe help me.

  1.  I have this blog linked up with my Facebook account and each time it automatically publicizes to my page it has an image of the blogging event, which is no where in the post.
  2. I had my pool on suicide letters and would like to show the results, anyone know how to do that.

Feedback much appreciated in comment or via e-mail mm172001@hotmail.com

7 Things to know about internal borderlines

22 Aug
        It has come to my attention that people like lists posts like “5 things…”  So here is 7 Things to know about internal borderlines.  I coined the term internal borderline a while back after frequently hearing people refer to themselves a quiet borderlines so here is a little more of an explanation on what I mean by the term.  BTW: this is based on my own personal experience


  1. Internal borderlines have most of the criteria for borderline personality disorder (BPD) going on inside with their thoughts and emotions.
  2. Some internal borderlines won’t be diagnosed for a while because a lot of the symptoms are hidden but they are in psych services usually for anxiety or some type of mood disorder (depression or bipolar.)
  3.  If an internal borderline self harms it is usually hidden and kept secret.
  4. Internal borderlines may obsess about the abandonment issue but often don’t consciously let the other people know they are terrified of it.  An example of this is, in my head with my frantic efforts I try to plan out every which possible way someone could reject me or abandon me and how to stop it.  I think my insecurity would be a reason people would want to abandon me or reject me.
  5. The chronic feelings of emptiness, loneliness, or meaninglessness are rarely expressed and often though of as only happening to them.
  6. The anger is directed inward, for me when angry I used to self harm so I wouldn’t explode at people but couldn’t feel the intolerable emotion of anger.
  7. Often times the identity disturbance is not noticeable to outsiders.  People who are internal borderlines may struggle with questions of “who am I?” and a lot of self doubt but they may not express it outwardly.

Good thoughts

22 Aug

Really nervous about psychiatrist appointment today. Appreciate all the good thoughts, prayers, or whatever it is you do.

The little things…

22 Aug

On the whole life has been pretty shitty lately.  And you could probably all tell that from the blogs I’ve been writing, especially since this is a big outlet for me.  But there have been “little things” and even a couple big things that have made me smile or laugh, or actually cry happy.  I don’t always recognize them or thank them, I’m working on it.

Protected: What’s the fucking point. No one would believe me anyways.

21 Aug

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21 Aug

Took a few Valium. I can’t handle this anymore. It feels like demons inside. All I’m doing is crying in a ball, praying these Meds kick in before I do something dumb. I have nothing more to give. And I can’t take anymore. Sorry.

21 Aug

Falling apart. Yesterday wasn’t good. Today going worse. Feel on edge. Don’t know what to do. Just want to cut. But part wants someone to tell me the good that it’ll be okay. Not sure I’ll believe it.


20 Aug

Sometimes a wave comes and I just want to destroy Marci and everything good in her life.


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