I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
Maybe the hit-it-and-quit-it mind set is due to fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment?
I have 4 officially diagnosed mental illnesses all across the board with a variety of symptoms. Sometimes it’s hard to tell where something starts or ends and where I began, especially since I’ve been living with them for as long as I can remember. Today in my body fitness class we did fitness testing and as I predicted I did terrible, well in reality I did horrible and just predicted terrible. I couldn’t even finish the 3 minute step test, I couldn’t breathe and was getting dizzy. My body fat percent was over 40, my BMI was over 30, My flexibility, sit ups, and push ups were all in the very poor category for my age and gender. On the plus side I can only go up from here. I know my medication causes problems with my metabolism and my lack of activity doesn’t help, but it’s another thing I wonder how “physical healthy” can I be with all these mental illnesses and on psych meds. When I went to see my psychiatrist on last Thursday he made it clear even with the weight gain and a family history of heart disease we couldn’t change my meds. Also when I think about my limited sexual experience and sexual desire, how much is related to mental illness, side effects from meds, and just how I am naturally. I fear I will never know since all three have been and will be with me all my life.
When things are going well I don’t want to write as much. Part of it is superstition that I will “mess up” the good times.
So where did I leave off… I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday and it went really WELL, I mentioned the need for something PRN or as needed when the voices get too much or my emotions get out of control, surprisingly he asked me what I wanted. Dr’s are funny ducks sometimes and they don’t like to be told what to do, so I was really surprised by this, I asked for Valium and he gave me a prescription of 20 of them. I was also really happy with this because in December and Late November I was having min-overdoses on anything I could get my hands on and this seems like a safe dose.
I also was talking about my weight and how I was trying to eat smarter and take an exercise class. I mentioned the history of heart disease and high cholesterol in my family. He suggested Topamax, which my sister has been trying to get me for years. I was on it earlier in my 20’s and lost a lot of weight on it, so I am very hopeful.
My psychiatrist said I sounded very excited about my future and he was proud of that. He said that medication and counseling could just set the stage and it was up to the patient to work on getting their life in order. I took it as a compliment and was actually able to say thank you.
I had a counseling appointment Friday and need to talk to my case manager about her availability for emergency appointments. She just changed roles within the psych department, she use to split her time (1/2 in child psych and 1/2 in adult case management) and now she is in adult case management and IOP along with Next Step, which I just found out about Friday. She has to drop a lot of her case load because of her availability with leading IOP and Next Step. Luckily she is keeping me. Last week, a small thing about the kids came up (Hard to Hear.) And I was debating if it was something I was wanting to take time and finally address. Unfortunately she says she won’t have a lot of time for emergency appointments and even suggested seeing someone else in case management (NO WAY!) So the topic will be put on the table even longer.
I was suppose to have a date Friday night that got called off last minute. Good thing I had just got the Valium that day! I took 2 and the next day it took a lot of convincing not to be difficult and self-sabotage the date out of defiance and anger. Look to the password protected post to see how the date went.
Here are 100 things I learned in recovery
- My passion for Mental Health
- Mental illness doesn’t define us
- It’s okay to not be okay
- There are no good or bad emotions, but there are good and bad ways of expressing emotions.
- Self-Compassion is a priority
- Self-Awareness is key
- Coping skills that best work for me
- We don’t owe anyone an explanation for self-care.
- Beauty lives in our differences
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy
- The more I loved myself – the more I fell in love with my kids
- Not to feel guilty for self-care
- Patience and understanding for others
- Recovery comes first
- How to stand up for myself and fight against stigma
- Things will always work out – do not give up
- We are not broken, weak or worthless
- It’s never too late to become the person you want to be
- The present moment is all you ever have
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All of my school has officially started. I’m pretty excited about it, which is obviously a change from everyday life ?. I’ve woken up happy and anticipating the day a lot lately. Switching the Viibryd to the morning has really helped and I’m not getting day time sleepiness anymore. Last night I started to get down on myself because I didn’t eat very healthy yesterday, and then I thought about it and said to myself “you’ll do better tomorrow” that’s a big step. I’m thinking about going into some heavy stuff into counseling because I actually feel stable, but now that she has switched jobs I worry about getting emergency appointments if I need them. I also worry about if it will turn into a need for hospitalization. Yesterday was #BellLetsTalk day in Canada for mental health, I wrote a short status on my regular facebook, including the info that I had been hospitalized over a dozen times. I got a share and a comment, not the response I got when I first wrote about my diagnoses last year- but that status was short and people don’t usually read long status updates. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist today, I hope to get something PRN for the voices or when I get overwhelmed and can’t cope.