In an effort to find the response to those participating in the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge easier to find, I am posting and updating this page to include the links to each day’s results/round up.
I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC. If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt. I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word. You can also start at anytime. I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
Just a quick post to let you know I’m out of the psych hospital. Just went through my e-mails, facebook, texting back, messaging doctors and all that. 6 Days of technology to catch up on. Will post later about my experience as well as get back to comments from pre-hospital blog posts.
Today was a good day. My borderline tendencies want me to pretend everything’s okay now and I don’t need the hospital but I know myself. People think it’s strange that I don’t go to the ER when suicidal but instead set up an appt to have my case manager put a hold on me. There’s a couple reasons but the main one is: a psychiatric hospital is not the best place to be and I will often change my mind and be “okay” just to go home when I shouldn’t. With the hold I have at least 3 days and usually end up for a week staying the rest of the time voluntarily. So obviously I’m tempted to be “okay” now, and I had a great day with friends but I gotta take care of myself. And things change quick plus I know the suicidality is right below the surface.
I’ve always been frustrated and feel like I got a raw deal because I’ve never really had a normal life. The average person is not this sad and hopeless. The average person doesn’t go long periods of time feeling nothing and numb just void. The average person doesn’t hear voices. The average person doesn’t self harm and isn’t as suicidal as I am. The average person can handle stress, relationships, friends, and responsibilities. The average person doesn’t need the mental health system to save them or protect them from themselves. The average person doesn’t hate themselves this much. There’s not so much split. The average person does not feel this alone. And these are things that have been and are pretty constant in my life.
Being dependent on other people.
Feeling so alone and different.
Not being able to work, difficulties staying out of the hospital.
The dual desire to live and die, fighting it out everyday.
Not being able to sustain relationships.
Specifics of this time:
*some voices gone, hope but fear and expectations.
*realization some of this illness is just me.
*realization with some symptoms gone life is still real hard.
*new found sexuality and possibilities of relationships and how much work it’ll take.
*realization of how much time and opportunities I’ve lost from bring mentally ill.
*finally having friends and in my opinion with one connecting piece that may weaken soon
*sister less avaliable
*everyone moves on/ahead but me
Things have been rough for awhile, real bad depression wise for at least a couple months and more like 6-9 months with a few small breaks in between. Some people wonder how you can consider suicide, but a lot of people understand the feeling of what it is like to want to die but being able to overcome it in some way. I can’t get that overcoming part down… the bad outweigh the good by so much it’s ridiculous, there is not enough pleasure to even slightly offset the immense emotional pain I am in. I don’t have kids to take care of. People would miss me but most of them I think would get over it with time. I don’t see me contributing to the world and I don’t see the pain ending enough to have any sort of quality of life. My “good days” are probably other people’s “okay days.” I just wake up with this sense of dread of another day, more pain, more pretense, more survival, and hopefully some distraction. Distraction has been the only thing that’s been helping lately while it is totally false that you can “fake it till you make it” it does give you something to do and put energy into. Plastic fantastic. My condition is chronic, this is a life long thing that is all I have ever really known and escape is so appealing. I don’t have much faith in my psychiatrist or medication. The work I do to stay alive is work I do and I’m terrified I’m about ready to give that up.
I’ve been falling apart since last fall, unraveling slowly at first. I remember when it got so bad (just the depression not suicidal) that I went to the ER with the knowledge that I could spend my 31st b-day in the hospital. It’s been a slow drag and then after the last hospitalization there was a weird transition time. Adjusting to no constant voices and just a weird state that I don’t ever recall being in that lasted for a month or so. Then the depression hit full force again, this time with major self harm urges. I spent a month in Partial which did practically nothing. A few weeks ago a set of the voices that are intermittent came back, I call them the back 2s. I think they just may be parts of me I don’t want to acknowledge or can’t or whatever. But they have been coming and going since. I’ve been extremely suicidal and self harm urges. I took apart that razor the other day. I took 25mg Valium just to stop the pain. I’ve been trying to blast the voices out with music, reason with them. Some part of me or the back 2s or whatever you want to call it, REALLY wants to die. And I’m scared. This morning I had it all figured out I don’t want to go into it because of giving other peoples ideas but part of it was that I turned off my phone. This may seem really stupid to a lot of people but when I’m really down I lay down with my phone next to me hoping someone calls/texts/comments on a blog or I check my e-mail and Facebook. There is still that hope and sometimes I can reach out to others. Not only was I not capable of reaching out to others this morning (busy planning my demise) I made it so they couldn’t help. My sister thinks that’s dumb because there is the house phone and obviously people live here and all but to me it shows my mindset.
So now I’m scared of myself. I have an appointment with the therapist on Tuesday and will have her put me in the hospital if I can’t get in to see my case manager tomorrow to have her do it. Pray I can make it till Tuesday and this part that has some hope can stay in the front because I’m afraid the suicidal part can come out and act quick and it will all be over.
You know things are bad when you can’t trust yourself and you’re scared of yourself.
Trying to stay something…
Out of bed?
I don’t know but I’m struggling, what else is new right? I’ve been up and out of bed for a couple hours and have plans with 20 something’s friend to go to dinner latter tonight, I just have about another hour to kill. I took a bath and washed my hair, it’s been a few days and my hair gets oily real quick. I responded to my comments to my blog that had been backing up in my mailbox. I created a new Widget for my category of songs. I linked up a couple posts to my 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge. I wrote a couple posts. Surfed Facebook. And went to read my blog subscriptions and they haven’t came yet >:( that’s a mad face if WP doesn’t recognize it. So I’m running out of thing to do and looking at the computer screen is starting to make me nauseous.
7/11/14 How would your life be different if you were incapable of feeling fear? Would your life be better or worse than it is now?
I think my life would be better because my fears and anxieties hold me back from doing a lot in life.
7/10/14 What do you find more unbearable: watching a video of yourself, or listening to a recording of your voice? Why?
I would say watching a video of myself, usually because it has a voice component too. I think that is part of the reason why I stopped doing vlogs, that and life just got too crazy.
7/6/14 Remember those lovely genies who grant wishes? Well, you’re one and you’ve just been emancipated from your restrictive lamp. You can give your three wishes to whomever you want. Who do you give your three wishes to, and why?
This sounds silly but I would probably give them to whoever freed me from my lamp, like in Aladdin when he promises to use his last wish to free Genie; because they freed me. But assuming I just did my time and I got to give the wishes to whoever I wanted…. one of my friends from 20 somethings group; because he’s been a good friend and most people I know don’t need/couldn’t use the three wishes.
6/17/14 Describe a typical day in your life — but do it in a form or in a medium you’ve rarely — if ever – used before. If you’re a photoblogger, write a poem. If you’re a poet, write an open letter. If you’re a travel blogger, write a rant. (These are all examples — choose whatever form you feel like trying out!)
Wake up, lay in bed, get up to take pills, go back to lay in bed, take a bath and wash hair in hopes I’ll have plans, go lay back in bed, stare at phone helping there is something new on Facebook or I got a text message, keep laying in bed, get up to go to the bathroom, (possibly) get dressed to go to lunch with dad, go lay back in bed, (possibly) get phone call from my sister, eat dinner usually with dad. REPEAT most days except Wed add counseling session, Thursday add 20 somethings group, Sunday add Gay Movie night, also weekends my sister is off so sometimes I do things with her.
6/14/14 Tell us about something you (or a person close to you) have done recently (or not so recently) that has made you really, unabashedly proud.
Stop cutting for over a year and a half.
5/20/14 Tell us about one thing (or more) that you promised yourself you’d accomplish by the end of the year. How would you feel once you do? What if you don’t?
I wanted to travel to Italy which looks like it isn’t going to happen, my back up was Canada that could still happen. I’d feel happy I got another stamp in my passport if it happens if not I’d be disappointed.
4/9/14 Do you find it easy to make new friends? Tell us how you’ve mastered the art of befriending a new person.
NO! I usually use another person as a bridge to make friends.
4/7/14 If you’re feeling blah, what is the one thing you do that you can count on to put a smile on your face?
Use to be Dexter, how could this not make you smile. Now I try music.
3. What is your motivation to recover?
It’s been a little over a year and a half since I last self harmed to draw blood or cause scars. I have scratched myself with my fingernails a few times when extremely overwhelmed. My motivation to recover is mainly that I don’t like the scars and am afraid of when I get into an intimate relationship the other person being scared off by them.
There wasn’t anything too special about yesterday. I got the e-mail that was triggering and wrote a rant directly after that. Within minutes a representative from the college called and told me as long as I took a class (at that college) and passed it with a C or better I’d be off probation. Thing is I wasn’t planning on taking a class there, but I guess that’s not a choice anymore which means I have to drop one of the other classes I am taking. With my psych issues I can usually only handle two classes at a time. It’s also making think I should probably go get the disability services paperwork for that college since I am not doing well and if issues come up I have it documented. Which means more phone calls and face to face meetings :( plus a bunch of paperwork.
So after I got the call I got really upset about me over reacting and some stuff played back in my head that has been said to me that imply my issues are not real. I wrote another rant post that I password protected and then quickly unprotected after I decided I didn’t give a damn who read it. I don’t think anyone read it because it initially e-mailed as password protected :(
The back 2s were going crazy about what to do. I dismantled a razor at one point. I scratched my stomach but all the marks are already gone and there was no blood drawn. I ended up taking 25mg of Valium and some Nyquil. I didn’t cut and I don’t know if I’d consider the scratching self harm. I tried to reach out to my sister but she didn’t make things any better. I’m frustrated as I see the hospital in the near future and to me that just equates failure AGAIN. But with my precarious school situation coming up maybe I should just get it out of the way.