In an effort to find the response to those participating in the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge easier to find, I am posting and updating this page to include the links to each day’s results/round up.
I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC. If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt. I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word. You can also start at anytime. I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
I lost it today, total meltdown at appointment. I’ve gotten to the point where sometimes I cry in front of case manager now, but never like today with the hyperventilating and intense tears. I kept trying to tell her I wanted to quit, quit everything…. the meds, the appts, my family, friends, school etc… about how I’d promise to keep my body alive but my spirits dead, we argued a little while on that. I told her how I felt like my psychiatrist had given up on me and was just shuffling me off on his nurse… like my prior psychiatrist did (dr. jackass) and the thing with my dad on Monday night. Then I read her part of the blog I wrote on Tuesday and she got frustrated that I came in and it seemed the issue was with my dad. Where as I thought the real issue was with my hopelessness and depression. I just read her the first two paragraphs because she was talking about re-hospitalizing me. She asked why I didn’t mention all the sex stuff, I just said I didn’t want to get into it. I’m guessing I’ll probably have to on Wednesday… even if I don’t have to, making myself is probably a good idea. Maybe I’ll just read her the blog on sex and dissociation I wrote. Anyways, I feel a little better I vented out a lot of my frustrations. She made me a number of follow up appointments which shows she’s invested and cares. I still have the over whelming urge to quit everything and see what happens but I know that would not be smart, safe, or healthy.
Some stuff I got out of today/ take away messages:
- The hospital does help; if only in keeping me safe from self harming or making a suicide attempt.
- If I quit all my meds I’d probably see the help that they do do.
- I often wait an hour and a half before I mention all what’s going on. This is due to my lack of trust and my fears of overwhelming people or discomfort in discussing certain topics or forgetting key issues or a lot of different things but something I need to work on nonetheless.
- It’s not time to give up yet.
- I often don’t take into account all that I am struggling with when I have expectations of myself. I either think I’m making up what I’m struggling with or that if I can manage my symptoms so well it’s appropriate to have high expectations.
- Stuff I say does scare other people and make them nervous, so it makes sense that with all the stuff I don’t say to scare me and make me nervous.
- Maybe some people do like me.
There’s got to be more but my head really hurts from crying so much.
I feel like giving up again. I’ve been fighting for so long and life hasn’t gotten much better. I’d still chose suicide as the pain out weighs the “good days.” I feel like my psychiatrist has given up on me, not the first. I feel like I’m beyond help, so why won’t you let me die instead of suffer. The mixed messages I get from family just make it worse. People get over things, and they’re are a few people in my life that it would take a little longer but most would move on. The pain is too much today. The thoughts too strong. I have an appt with case manager and I just want to tell her I quit, but that’s a red flag. She wouldn’t let me quit anyways. No one will. No one gets the suffering they say they do but they don’t live it.
Say something I’m giving up on you.
You know when you have something you can’t get out of your mind and it’s tugging at you. You don’t know if you should say something or just let it be. I have a problem as always seeming to come off awkward so a lot of times I keep my worries and my thoughts to myself. Especially if I think they might wreck things or I’m not sure I could handle any response. I was kind of like that with telling my parents I was going to the 20 something’s group. For a long time I knew clearly it wasn’t the time to say anything. And then I wavered for awhile and it turned out semi okay. Sometimes it’s good to say something rather than keep it inside.
Yesterday was good. I had a lot of energy, most of which was nervous energy, but energy nonetheless. Not sure if it was due to the Cytomel, hypomania, or just the fact that one can only have so many bad days in a row.
I set up an online dating profile and was talking to two different girls. This was anxiety provoking as well. One was talking about possibly meeting last night after group and I was actually thinking about it. A friend suggested I don’t go alone since she had a friend too and then I was trying to set up a potential date. The issue was I was communicating with my friend and the girl via text and there were misunderstandings and gaps as if I want anxious enough already as it was. Anyways, ended up not happening and now I’m getting all down on myself. I think my friend was disappointed and never understood it wasn’t ever a planned out date. I hate just half assed plans with things up in the air, really adds to my anxiety.
Also at group I let a friend know I was actually in the hospital and that’s why I hadn’t been to group. It was awkward. I’m really open about it once I tell somebody, but some people don’t want details. I didn’t know which so I was kind of vague. I was also afraid someone would walk in who I wasn’t comfortable knowing and then I’d have to end the conversation quick.
After group we hung out and I had the disconnected (different/alone) feeling again. One of the worst feelings is being surrounded by people and feeling so alone. Also we were talking about possible swimming/state fair plans and I was excited. But the BPD part of me thought I was “forgotten” on the group text on purpose and the nonconcrete plans just added to all the anxiety I was feeling.
I ended up leaving early to get ice cream with ill sis. Because of the discomfort and I hadn’t seen her in forever. I felt like she was lecturing me on how much of my psych issues to reveal and how. I hate how she always thinks she knows what’s best and tries to tell you what to do. Especially with something she has no experience with.
Anyways left group, took 2 Valium, ice cream with lil sis, then bed. Now today planning and dissecting yesterday, which has a lot and thinking what I could’ve done better/different.
I don’t know what to do to fight this depression so I am just trying to make plans and go on with life. I have at least one thing every day this week until Monday to try to keep me out of bed. I’m still feeling pretty apathetic and kind of bummed that I’m putting in this effort (which takes all that I have right now) and don’t feel the benefit. I guess for now all there is to set up plans and hope that by the time they roll around I can enjoy them. It just feels so pointless right now.
Thursday- 3pm going to lunch/dinner with family friend, 8pm 20 something’s group
Friday- 6pm going to the state fair with a friend from the 20 something’s group
Saturday- 7pm Steve Miller Band and Journey concert with my sister and staying the night
Sunday- Something with sister in afternoon, 7pm Gay Movie Night
Monday- 4pm appointment with case manager
And just set up plans to go to Disneyland for my birthday, going to Mickey’s Halloween Party again this year with high school friend and her husband. (October 23-26)
2 days out of the hospital and I’m wondering if I made a mistake. There was a motive to get out, I had bought expensive concert tickets for my sister for her 30th birthday and the concert is this weekend. I was also at a hospital I was not familiar with and the treatment I receive at the other hospital is better in my opinion. However, I’m back to more suicidal than I should be and the cutting urges are back to the point where I’m ready to just give up and go back to cutting for the relief. I’m also having problems related to sex, past relationships, memories, dissociation, and some I guess PTSD type issues. Right now I’m thinking about having my case manager put me back in again on Monday, it’ll be after the concert and hopefully I’d get my normal place.
I guess it’s a good sign that I care enough about my well being to consider the hospital. I just feel this split going on inside right now between survival and death, and I’m not sure who will win. At the moment I’m leaning more towards survival, probably because I hung out with some friends earlier today so my mood is a little better. I can’t live in a psychiatric hospital though and I’m not sure how much longer I can handle living at home. I tried a board and care and I was too functional for that and it was depressing. I think a room and board will not have enough interaction or activity to keep me okay. Intensive programs have been suggested but most require something that doesn’t fit with me, I’m not homeless, I am not within a certain age frame, or other criteria.
I’m afraid of losing my insurance and therefore one of my main supports. My other supports being friends and my sister. I’m still terrified about losing my friends or growing apart from them. Depression makes it so hard to reach out and my self worth tells me if I don’t make the effort they will let me fade away, or would like me to. I’m not so worried about losing my sister though if shit went down with the family I’m not sure what she would do.
I had an argument with dad last night that started off a “discussion” and crying fest. It has my mind all fucked up and paranoia setting in again. I may go back to password protecting more posts.
Here is a graphic I made comparing the hospitals:
I wrote my psychiatrist a message saying I needed to meet with him after being released from the hospital. When I talked to my case manager today she said I had an appointment set up with his nurse, which of course I hadn’t been informed of. I looked into my health insurance’s messaging system and he had read the note so either he set up the appointment and didn’t tell me (which the thought of is pissing me off) or kaiser finally called back and the hospital/his nurse set it up. My current problems are too big to be dealt with by his nurse. I have an appointment at the end of August but that’s not going to cut it. The appointment would be right before I go to school and if the depression continues to be this bad then I will not be able to keep up with school, which is my stabalizer- one reason I’ve probably been doing so bad since having to drop my spring classes.
Just a quick post to let you know I’m out of the psych hospital. Just went through my e-mails, facebook, texting back, messaging doctors and all that. 6 Days of technology to catch up on. Will post later about my experience as well as get back to comments from pre-hospital blog posts.