30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

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Thanksgiving 2015

26 Nov

Contrary to my rant last night, there are things in my life I’m thankful for. 

It’s been a rough ten years, but I’m finally seeing progress and accomplishments. Staying out of the hospital for a year. Only self harming twice in a period of 3 years. Having a girlfriend for a short time, and continuing to look for a relationship. Being accepted to UC Davis. Completing a year long DBT program. Keeping the same medication regimen for a year. Deep friendships and relationships. Being able to be vulnerable with a couple people. Increasing my adult skills. The progress I’m making. The people supporting me. 

Don’t force me to be grateful

25 Nov

As someone who deals with serious mental illness it is sometimes hard to “think positive.”  I get extremely annoyed when people tell me how much worse it could be.  Just as much as when people tell me to look on the bright side.  Now with a shift on mindfulness and gratitude, more people than ever are believing that if you just change the way you think, all your problems will just disappear.  Trying to ask me to come up with 10 things I am grateful doesn’t make me feel more appreciative or happy, it makes me feel guilty that I have so much apathy and that maybe I just don’t care enough.  It implies there is something wrong with me, not my life or an illness I don’t have much control over; but that I am an unappreciative spoiled little brat.  Oh the number of times this has been yelled at me in arguments.  That I have such a wonderful life and I should be grateful.  Come live my in my life for a few days, see how it feels, what I think about, what I deal with then tell me I have such a wonderful life that I should be grateful for.

30 Days of Writing Challenge: Day 18

25 Nov

30 day writing challenge

Day 18: Post 30 facts about yourself.

  1. I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a very pale complexion.
  2. I misspelled complexion on the last post and often misspell words
  3. I got an answer wrong on my linguistics exam because I used the first letter of the word instead of the letter “k” assigned to it, it was a matching exercise.  I do stuff like this often and wonder if I have some kind of learning disability.
  4. I never spelled parents correctly until I started working at the child care.
  5. I have 80+ Electro Convulsive Therapy (shock therapy) in my early 20s
  6. At age 25 I had a surgical device put in that was suppose to help treatment resistant depression, this and the removal of it are the only surgeries I’ve had in my life.
  7. I’m terrible with my oral hygiene yet have the best teeth in my family.
  8. I was born left handed but my mom converted me because she thought being left handed would be harder in a right handed world.
  9. My first suicide attempt was at age 10.
  10. My first psych meds were imipramine and trazadone at age 11.
  11. I have an obsession with collecting things, but I wouldn’t call myself a hoarder.
  12. I was suppose to be a twin, but my twin miscarried.
  13. I have two sisters and to each of them I am their favorite sister.
  14. I repeated the 5th grade and was homeschooled part of 5th grade the first time around.
  15. In 8th grade I was dismissed from PE because I had a tendency to pass out, and had passed out at school.
  16. I tried to drop out of high school my senior year, but ended up finishing on independent study.
  17. I like my toes, I think they’re my favorite part of my body.
  18. I was underweight because of having ulcerative colitis as a child so for awhile I was on steroids.
  19. I have absolutely no memory before age 10, very little from 10-12, 13-15 missing big gaps,15-18 again missing big gaps. 18-25 the worst of it (also the time period when I had the ECT treatments)  My memory is still impacted and I wonder how much is trauma related and how much ECT related.
  20. I had serious treatments for depression including ECT, the VNS surgery, and 25+ medications I had tried before ever being hospitalized.
  21. I’ve been hospitalized probably over 20 times by now.
  22. This year in October was the longest (1 year) I had gone with out being hospitalized in 10 years, and 10 years ago and prior I had never been hospitalized.
  23. I’ve changed my major probably 10 times.
  24. I’ve been to 6 different colleges and how have 182 units but only have an associated degree.
  25. I know 5 languages: Spanish, English, American Sign Language, Italian and some French.
  26. I still live with my parents and have most of my adult life.
  27. Thanksgiving is one of my least favorite holidays; I don’t like turkey and constantly feel the pressure to be grateful.
  28.  My favorite number is 4 and my favorite color is purple.
  29. I sometimes appreciate my psych diagnoses.
  30. I walked a half marathon a few years ago, but hate exercise.  First and last time but I can cross it off my bucket list.

Anxiety Awards

25 Nov

Source Buzz Feed

Image 24 Nov

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Hold my hand

24 Nov

Hold my hand.  Help me make it through.

Hold my hand as I struggle to keep standing.

I need your words, I need your hand.

Hold my hand, nothing else will do.

30 Days of Writing Challenge: Day 17

24 Nov

30 day writing challenge

Day 17: Post about your zodiac sign, and whether or not it fits you.  (My birth date 11/12)  Text in blue is what I agree with

Scorpio Astrology October 23 – November 21

Scorpio Strength Keywords:

– Loyal
– Passionate
– Resourceful
– Observant
– Dynamic

Scorpio Weakness Keywords:

– Jealous
– Obsessive
– Suspicious
– Manipulative
– Unyielding

Scorpio and Independence:

Scorpios are fiercely independent. They are able to accomplish anything they put their mind to and they won’t give up. They are perfectly suited to being on their own. They are not social butterflies like some other zodiac signs and some actually prefer to live on their own that way there is never any issue of who controls what at home, they like to be in control.

Scorpio and Friendship:

Relationships with Scorpio are always complicated, just like the person, their relationships are a series of extremes, they can even be downright moody for no apparent reason. Scorpios are known for their possessiveness and jealousy but on the other hand, they are extremely loyal. Scorpios have an excellent memory and combined with an inability to let things go, they can hold a grudge against someone who did them harm forever, in fact a Scorpio rarely if never forgives and forgets. They will even go as far as get vengeance on the person. On the other hand, they will always remember a kind gesture forever and repay it. Any kind selfless gesture done to a Scorpio will gain trust and respect which is extremely important to them in any relationship, either romantic or not. The best advice is to be honest with a Scorpio friend and in return, you will gain an amazing friend you will never forget and who will be loyal to you and never make false promises. Their truthful and shocking sense of humor if different than that of any other zodiac sign and the Scorpio makes an amazing, powerful interesting friend that can be trusted.

Scorpio and Temperament:

Scorpios are extremely ambitious, persistent and determined which is shown through a power hungry, controlling attitude. Not in a stubborn sense however, because a Scorpio will work for what they want and control will justified reasons. This is obvious to any onlooker. A Scorpio never gives up, they are so determined to reach their goal. The key to this success is their flexibility. They are able to re-survey a situation and take a different approach if necessary. This makes them very adaptable and versatile. Scorpios are fierce competitors, combined with their powers of observation and their excellent memory, they will recall facts and when necessary, bring them to the table at the time of need. They will win justly, with proper facts and arguments to support their thoughts and opinions. Scorpios are excellent at restoring order to a chaotic situation and they are just as capable of manipulating for their own greed and benefit. The un-evolved Scorpio is a very dangerous person because they use their powers to benefit only them and step on other people in order to satisfy their own greed.

Scorpio Deep Inside:

Scorpio is the most misunderstood of all astrology signs. They are all about intensity and contradictions. They like to be aware of a situation and always know what’s going on, figuring this out with their probing mind, on the other hand, they are interested in the occult, the paranormal, conspiracy theories and other types of similar unknown mysteries. They are very capable of hiding their true feelings and motivations, they often have ulterior motives or a hidden agenda.
Scorpios are all about control, they need to be in control at all times. To be out of control is very threatening, even dangerous to the Scorpio’s psyche, when they control, they feel safe.
Scorpios are very emotional, their emotions are intensified, both good emotions and bad. Negative emotions of jealousy and resentment are hallmarks of this turbulent astrology sign. On the other side, Scorpios are well known for their forceful and powerful drive to succeed and their amazing dedication. Scorpios are constantly trying to understand their emotions through finding a deeper purpose in life.
Scorpios are very intuitive, but not as in a psychic sense, more as intuitive into the human mind, they have a great understanding of the mystery and the power of the human mind.
Scorpios have a fear of failure which they keep hidden extremely well, should their confrontation not be successful, or their career fail, they will simply use their adaptive skill to quickly move and and leave the bad experience behind. Do not ever expect them to fess up or share their tale with anyone however because this shows signs of weakness and Scorpio always wins, they are always the self-proclaimed best! One of the reasons they seem like they always accomplish their goals is because they set tangible short-term goals that they know they can accomplish, they know what they are capable of and this is what they go for.
Scorpios are very weary about trusting anyone, a person needs to gain their trust and this gets built up over time and once all the ‘trust tests’ have been passed, Scorpio loves deeply and intensely. Underneath the cool exterior, energies and emotions are constantly flowing but the Scorpio deals with this be channeling this into useful activities, hobbies, relationships or a career. This is never apparent to the outside observer but knowing this fact explains why Scorpios are so passionate about whatever it is that they are undertaking. Scorpios have powerful instincts and they trust their own gut feeling which is another reason why a Scorpio seldom fails.
The ongoing lesson in life for those born under the Scorpio zodiac signs, is to channel their powerful energy into positive goals and not succumbing to the darker forces in life such as manipulation and greed, they will then have great success in their life and have a clean, happy conscience and a circle of friends they can trust and hold dear to them.

Scorpio in a Nutshell:

Scorpio is the astrology sign of extremes and intensity. Scorpios are very deep, intense people, there is always more then meets the eye. They present a cool, detached and unemotional air to the world yet lying underneath is tremendous power, extreme strength, intense passion and a strong will and a persistent drive. Scorpios have a very penetrative mind, do not be surprised if they ask questions, they are trying to delve deeper and figure things out and survey the situation. They always want to know why, where and any other possible detail they can possibly know. Scorpio’s are very weary of the games that other people try to play and they are very aware of it. Scorpios tend to dominate and control anyone that lets them, or anyone that they find weak. The person that a Scorpio respects and holds close to them is treated with amazing kindness, loyalty and generosity. On the outside, a Scorpio has great secretiveness and mystery. This magnetically draws people to them. They are known to be controlling and too ambitious but only because they need control for this makes them feel safe.


22 Nov

Not sure where I am.  Was talking to blogger friend earlier today and both of us are feeling like we’re heading towards hospitalizations.  We seem to be in sync with each others moods, often.  I feel like I can’t afford to go to the hospital, the semester is near ending and I’m struggling in my classes.  I’m taking 4 classes next term which is the most I’ve taken in 10 years.  So I won’t have time for hospitalization then either.  Part of me is thinking of “scheduling” a hospitalization during winter break.  But I’m not sure I want to be in the hospital, I want to be succeeding or failing, no in between crap (now doesn’t that sound borderline.)  My case manager says to call or reach out to someone when I get suicidal.  It happened two nights ago again, but not as intense so I didn’t reach out- honestly when I’m like that I don’t want to reach out, I want to die.  I’m thinking of talking to my sister and 20 somethings friend to let them know I’m really struggling and have extra support and people who are at least in the know.

Friday’s counseling session was intense.  I talked about the school failure terror and die, read and got advice on my personal statements, read the password blog on abandonment, shame and questions.  I cried a lot, my sister knew as soon as she saw me as apparently I sounded congested.  She joked about being my case manager for this week, since mine is on vacation.  It’s hard to have someone is generally so cheery, try and relate to my depression.

20 Nov

I want to die. It’s late and I want to die. 

Protected: Abandonment, shame, and questions

19 Nov

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