I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
I am not use to being in this borderline state for a longer period of time with also being better adaptive than I would have been years ago. Normally with my multiple co-occuring disorders it’s a little bit of this and then some of that, here try this, and back to that. You never really feel like you have a handle on anything and as soon as their is some relief another disorder creates symptoms or a crisis. I’ve felt these BPD emotions before and they are not in essence new to me. But usually they are in short lived episodes or confounded with a deep depression and/or psychosis. I’m not really in either one right now so it’s unclear what to do. Luckily, it’s clear some of the things I shouldn’t do.
While in a depression it’s important to keep up with life even though it’s not pleasurable and a bunch of other advice they give you till it runs it’s course or something else intervenes. I’ve had plenty of plenty of experience with this… Knowing how to balance things… knowing when it’s been too long and I need a med adjustment… knowing when to seek out the hospital… and a general progression of going down hill and when to do what.
With psychosis it’s tricky because there were so many sets of voices. But I had figured out how much I could tolerate from each set until it was too much and I had to be in the hospital. I knew which one’s I could negotiate with. I knew (most times) which one’s to trust. I had experience and through going at it for so many years like with the depressions I learned how to cope as best as I do.
Borderline Personality Disorder is it’s own thing, I use to sometimes have difficulty telling if the emotions were bipolar related or borderline related, but I got that now. I know that these feelings of depression and anxiety I am having right now aren’t clinical and they are relating to my fears of abandonment and my lack of control in situations. I also know I’m thrown off each start of the new semester as I try to get my bearings straightened out. This year is no exception although the intensity has increased because I’m thinking of an end educational plan.
Anyways enough of that babbling. Today was pretty good considering all the build up underneath. I bathed, changed clothes, brushed my teeth, there isn’t enough laundry to do a load yet, or dishes. I went to class and my counseling appointment. I went for a walk with my sister and made some plans for the weekend. I texted a girl I met on okcupid and we are going to meet up Monday. I did some French homework and am (begrudgingly) learning how to operate this online component. I’m going to take tomorrow with whatever happens.
Went and saw my case manager today and when I talked about how I felt earlier in the week, she asked why didn’t I call. I’m not really sure, I knew I could wait till Wednesday, maybe it was thinking it wasn’t enough of a “crisis” or thinking I might get hospitalized, I don’t know. In addition, I’ll have no appointments next week she is going to training and Monday is a holiday here in the US. I asked if I could call Friday if I needed to and she said for sure.
We talked about my overwhelming emotions and apparently I’m doing the right thing. More than the right thing, with the addition of laundry, dishes, brushing my teeth, and taking a bath every day. She talked about noticing the good in-spite of everything I’m dealing with instead of saying the good stuff… but… I’m going to try that. We talked about how the two big things that are overwhelming me are 20 somethings friend leaving and transferring to another university. It sort of helps to know I can’t do anything even though she asked me if I could what would I do if I had complete control, and that made me feel better.
I’m just afraid that dealing with these two big things that I won’t be stable enough to deal with other realities of life like school, dating, friendships (?). In-spite of everything I’m still doing good I have 2 classes, am improving my independence and ADLs. I just gotta take it day by day. Hopefully school will feel routine in the next couple weeks and it won’t take so much energy.
She also talked about how when someone is in your heart that they can never really leave you. She gave me some tips on communicating with 20 somethings friend that will hopefully make it easier for me to not feel as overwhelmed, feel appreciated, and help be supportive too.
I’m overwhelmed. I’m hoping once I get in the swing of things this feeling will pass. Last night I was really considering going back to self harm as a coping mechanism, so far I haven’t but I haven’t ruled it out. I feel like I’m going to cry all the time. I cried for almost a half hour last night. My case manager doesn’t want me taking Valium to numb the feelings/emotions so I’m pretty sure that I shouldn’t use self harm as a substitute. I don’t fully know what I want, but I don’t want to feel like this. Anyone in DBT know how to accept the emotions without them totally overwhelming you and making you cry. I learned tonight one of our DBT leaders has a new position so we will be getting one new one next week just to be introduced and then in 3 weeks she will be leading with the guy we still have left. I talked to someone from okcupid a little today even though I felt dead. I did log into French and did a little bit of work. I didn’t manage to bathe or brush my teeth today but I think I’ll do it tonight before I go to bed, I guess the day is not over yet. I tried and I really didn’t want to
I don’t know how to open this. I don’t know what I’m feeling. It is a mixture of many things: sadness, boredom, loneliness, grief, apathy, anxiety, panic, aggravation, worry, shame, irritation, and probably some other words too. As you can see most of them are from the sad, fear, angry category. I’m also lacking motivation right now. Things seem meaningless and not in a sad sort of way but in a very apathetic, “what’s the point?” kind of way. This is making me suicidal from my reasonable mind. Past DBT leaders didn’t understand how the reasonable mind could be suicidal in their opinion/experience/whatever only the emotional mind could be suicidal. I tried to explain it but it’s not something that’s easy to put into words, but I can be very detached and methodically plan for a suicide. Usually by the time the plan date/time has arrived I’ve transitioned out of that state. Ironically I would hate to kill myself impulsively based on pure emotion. The reasonable mind takes into account my different emotions and their intensity and frequency and can sort of graph them in a way that someone could make a very convincing presentation on why I should be allowed to die. I’m going to go to sleep now.
Suspend judgement, reach out to me, reassure me, love me.
Originally posted on closertohappiness:
I have been thinking about what I value in friendships and relationships in general (e.g. the people I want in my inner circle). Here’s what I came up with:
I am looking for and value people who:
- Respect me. Respect my opinion even if we disagree. Are willing to see where I’m coming from. Listen to me.
- Keep in touch with me. I appreciate when reaching out happens on both sides.
- Have a sense of humor. Appreciate mine. Laugh.
- Are willing to have deep conversations.
- Are willing to grow. Are working on their own healing work. Are willing to acknowledge mine.
- See my experiences as valid.
- Are content with quiet moments. Sometimes the best connections come from the spaces between words.
- Are curious about what I’m doing.
- Accept me for who I am. Love me for it.
- Are empathetic.
- Communicate. Are honest.
- See and treat me as a peer.
- Play. Create…
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“There are things you get from the silent devoted companionship of a dog that you can get from no other source.” ― Doris Day30 Aug
Originally posted on Living with Borderline Personality Disorder:
Today – August 26th – is National Dog Day!
I would like to use the opportunity to dedicate a quick post to my dogs, and to all dogs out there, who have in some way supported the lives of their owners – especially those suffering with mental illness like myself.
At the moment at my Dad’s house we have a dog aged (almost) 5 and a puppy aged 8 months (who prefer to remain anonymous!). The 5-year old, M, and I have a special relationship and I love him with all my heart. I always joke to people that he is the “canine version” of myself – we are similarly sensitive, submissive, and needy, and in need of a lot of attention and affection – and really, it is the truth! I love him like he is my baby, and everybody in my life knows it too.
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