In an effort to find the response to those participating in the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge easier to find, I am posting and updating this page to include the links to each day’s results/round up.
I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC. If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt. I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word. You can also start at anytime. I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
16. What advice would you give to someone about self harm?
People will try to shame you. It may not be the best way to cope but you have enough guilt already so don’t beat yourself up even more. Be careful who you talk to about it, people are very judgmental. There are other things that you can do instead.
No gold star for not overdosing
No gold star for never getting arrested
No gold star for not getting violent
No gold star for not making direct threats
No gold star for not killing a bunch of people and then yourself
No gold star for not turning to drugs
No gold star for seeking treatment
No gold star for not giving up
No gold star for me.
You’re not suppose to do any of that stuff anyways.
I’ve had that swollen tickle feeling in the back of my throat since Sat. Now I’m sick, sore throat, runny nose, and headache and the slightest feeling of nausea.
It’s quality not quantity. I’d rather have a few real friends than a bunch of fake friends who trigger me. It’s really hard for me to hold on to that and I’m not sure I can be around people I’m suppose to be “friends” with that may be using me, are superficial, or not reciprocating. So for now for my mental health’s sake it’s time to take a break.
I’m a little fearful because that means more free time. I’m also afraid I’ll cling to the few real friends I have more and bother them or scare them away.
I’m really insecure and sensitive to rejection, abandonment, or just feeling left out. As a defense mechanism I used to just not put effort into relationships, so when nothing happened there was a reason. Lately I’ve been putting an immense amount of effort in a few relationships and socializing in general. And I feel like it’s only really paid off with one person. It seems like the other people are using me; for what I have, for what I know, or for who I know. I feel like I’m putting in all this effort and being taken advantage of. As if that wasn’t bad enough it really triggers me emotionally and makes me want to shut down all energy I’m putting into my life in all areas, not just the specific one that isn’t going well.
Last night when I got home, I took a bunch of NyQuil and 2 Valium in addition to my night time Meds. I also filled out a DBT worksheet. And managed to get to sleep without cutting or ODing (not that I had much to do it on). I woke up struggling with the same emotions and thinking I just need to give up and am not worth anything at all. There are/were a couple events this weekend I was planing on quitting them all.
Dr. appt with psychiatrist which ended up getting canceled and rescheduled for a month out. I’ve been thinking I don’t deserve disability and worrying about getting denied for federal. My mental illnesses are out of control and my dr. isn’t willing to or doesn’t think anything can be done pharmaceutically. So there was no point in going other than getting a note saying I’m unable to work, for state disability. Which I’m doubting I deserve and if I’d be able to go through with my master plan anyways. So I was thinking about skipping the appt or not asking for the paperwork. Well I didn’t even need to make the decision since the appt was canceled.
Tonight is also suppose to be the restart up of “random restaurant Friday” something we did last time brother-in-law was in his mon-fri academy. I wasn’t sure if I’d go. I was thinking of blocking out everything but family. As bad as they can be for me, they don’t leave really. Although that’s not a true statement but the family is so complicated, so let’s move on.
Next was my first date, where I’ve ever asked anyone out which is on Saturday night. So I was thinking of canceling that and how she won’t like me anyways. It sucks because a lot of people don’t even know about the date, so it’s hard to get the support and reassurance I need. Plus canceling it was just another way to sabotage things, and there is the part that’s been all about that today.
Sunday is dads surprise birthday party and study night. I’ve been so preoccupied thinking about these unreciprocated friendships that I’ve wanted to stop all friendships, even the good one I have with 20 something’s friend. While I was at that why not just drop my classes then I won’t even have an excuse to spend time with this friend. It’d screw up my life more with my education and and I’d be moved up to level 2 academic probation. Just more evidence that I fuck up everything in my life, even things in good at like school. Well not sure if it’s me or the mental illnesses but we are so intertwined, I don’t bother differentiating.
I thought about the hospital today. But that would just keep me alive longer and I’d have to do damage control after. It’s a good thing I don’t have access to my pills and can’t own a gun. Since I’ve been so impulsive lately. It took quite a bit of energy not to just swerve into the divider last night, while driving home.
So the gist is this: I’m going to stop going to group for a little while, maybe forever. I don’t know and a large part will probably be based on the reaction I get. I’m still going on my date, luckily the NyQuil has flattened my emotions otherwise I’d probably be nervous as hell. For now I stay with school, more so because of study night and going to class gives me at least something to do. Disability and all that are on hold till oct 17th anyways. So I guess I’ll just keep with that.
If things keep up, I will end up in hospital again or just give up. It’s just too much at one time.
You gotta stop doing all the effort. If people cared, if it was right you shouldn’t have to do everything. Time to start filtering things and people out. Destroy mode is so pissed and hurt she wants to throw everything and everyone out but I know that’s not smart. Now I just gotta try and not let her do it.
I can put myself out there again and again but most people don’t like me. They just want to use me for what I have and who I know. I thought things were different, I should’ve known. At least one less thing to do that I haven’t been enjoying. Pdoc canceled today must have known I was thinking of no showing. Not like he cares or is doing anything to help me feel better. Hopefully by the reschedule appt in mid October I’ll be done with all of this. ALL OF THIS!