In an effort to find the response to those participating in the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge easier to find, I am posting and updating this page to include the links to each day’s results/round up.
I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC. If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt. I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word. You can also start at anytime. I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
I went camping this weekend with some friends from high school. By the time Friday came around I was having a horrible day and wished I could back out but couldn’t. I got Friday under control with the help of some people. We left Saturday and I slept most of the drive. The whole trip I didn’t have much energy or the enjoyable spirit depression steals from you. Sat I was annoyed some things I had counted on them bringing, because they said they would, they didn’t bring. It was raining. And my mood. I tried to put it aside for the most part and started emailing blogger friend 2. I also was snap chatting 20 something’s friend. It was one of those situations where people are around you and you feel so lonely. I tried to just let it go and have a good time. Sunday was overall a pretty good day, but looking back at the post it was all due to my effort. Which I guess should make me feel better but really just upsets me. Monday the day we went home was really the disaster. I’d been stressing all weekend (and mentioned it numerous times) that I had a French quiz I needed to study for that was early Tuesday morning. I forgot my book to study and throughout the trip when ever I was feeling like I wasn’t having fun or was annoyed I just felt guilty. Which added to the bad feelings. Anyways, enough ranting.
Also I threw up on the way home, combo of car sickness and emotions, and now remember why I use to throw up if I couldn’t cut. The bile taste and burning in the back of the throat represents how I feel and perceive myself as a person.
Today we’re leaving the campsite but I guess we’re going to hit a few places on the way home. I haven’t responded to comments from the really bad day or from this trip because the reception is spotty.
I’ve had a lot of time to think and surprisingly some of it has been positive. I’ve also found myself fighting back tears as I come to some realizations and reflect on some things. Good tears though, and things I need to realize about myself to improve.
I’m thinking about making this blog public on my personal Facebook page and would love feedback. A few people in real life know about it, but few read it frequently and not sure if that would change. Some of my posts are rather long, sometimes I post multiple times a day, and sometimes the posts are downright depressing or scary. I’m afraid it might sensor my writing a little, but there is always password protecting. I’m kinda tired of being so secretive of such large aspects of my life. I also deleted a bunch of fb people who I don’t see on a regular basis, are friends of friends/family, or just didn’t really interact with so not everyone from hs and other stuff would see my posts. If I knew how to do a poll on my mobile app I’d do it. Maybe when I get home.
Also the poll about suicide notes, all 11 or 12 people who responded said they would read the note immediately. I wish I could show the poll results and I’m working on it. Also, the poll asking what you’d like to see more of I’m working on an infographic. But they take time and as I’ve said repeatedly I’ve been lacking the energy.
Today looks good. Thanks for all my supporters in real life and blogosphere.
So I’m camping And I kind of feel guilty because my depression is pretty bad right now. Mostly I just want to lay in bed and isolate (with the exception of 3 people and/or events). I don’t have a lot of energy and not much is enjoyable.
But I did good today. I did lay in bed a lot of the day. But I talked to high school friend and just having someone to talk to helped. I made breakfast for me and my friends. And we went down on a little hike to the beach. I also went online and reached out to another girl on okcupid. I’ve also been emailing a fellow blogger.
So overall, it’s been a pretty good day.
It seems like everything’s too much. Too exhausting. Too meaningless. Not worth it.
I try to keep going and keep up a “normal” appearing life. But I don’t even really want to anymore.
It’s so tricky explaining what’s going on in my head. Like different people fighting for what they want/need. And it’s all opposite, and it’s all exhausting.
The three people I want to reach out to I’m getting weary about. Each for different reasons. I wish I could just have an honest conversation, but that’s too scary. And what if they don’t want to/can’t help. Then what?
I’ve pasted the peak. Now it’s about what I want to do. I feel like I’ve lim mites my options though by being so distant all day. And sleeping post of it. After a couple posts ago I took some NyQuil and 3 Valium.
Wish I could just say fuck all of this.
And the phone keeps ringing and dinging but not for me. Some inspirational group fbessage, another call from kaiser auto robot. A couple comments from a friend. Maybe the answer is just more Valium, or cutting, or worse. I don’t know anymore, nor do I care.
I just want that one real life person that’ll always be there. That can handle all of this, all of me. It doesn’t exist, accept that.
Laying it all out there
I just got up, it’s 1 pm. When I woke up at 6 am I took a Valium with my normal pills so I could sleep most the day. Dad and lil sis took the camper up on the coast where me and high school friend and some other friends are camping this weekend. I knew it would be just me and mom, and I know how that can go. Also been a little on the higher side lately and I know I need to calm myself down before I get out of control. You know how I am with control. I’ve been saving some $$$ because of wanting to move out or worrying about ties with family being severed and having no financial anything. I counted the money yesterday and was getting all impulsive of what to do with it. A couple nights ago when I couldn’t sleep I was thinking about getting another AA but in LGBT studies at a community college I’ve been going to lately that’s about an hour away from home. Also thinking about disability or Covered California to get off my parent’s health insurance in case things go south with them and in spite they cut me off. Just been thinking a lot. Oddly this thinking and planning hasn’t been really worrisome like most mine is. It’s sort of feeling like maybe things may work for me. I have a couple good friends. I’m trying to get into dating. This school thing would give me a project. The money and insurance thoughts offering more independence. Yet I cry as I write this, because I have a feeling I’m just going to be let down again. When the voices stopped I had all these grand ideas of what life could be and it was extra inconvenient because I was just getting around to that radical acceptance stuff. As other symptoms stopped and “better” wasn’t what I imagined I began feeling worse and have been in a deep depression most of the summer. I’ve managed to keep up friendships because that’s whats so important to me now, but now I’m getting attached and freaking out. People let you down and people leave and people move on, yet I seem to stay in the same place. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with that when it happens so BPD Marci is just like cut the ties now so you won’t get more attached and more hurt. But I’m trying to be healthy and I like having friends and support and stuff to do. I don’t know what to do, I’ve been struggling the last weeks about “quitting everything” actually it’s probably been like a month now, that’s around when it began and a little to do with the hospitalization. If I quit it all no one will miss me, I won’t get hurt, it’ll be my choice. But it’s gone too far and I will hurt just maybe not as much and that’s why I’m still thinking of it now. Normally the quit it doesn’t fully develop into suicidalness just ruining my life, cutting my support system, quitting the meds, stopping school, giving up hope…. and part of me knows that will lead to suicide but it’s not direct kill myself now thoughts though there have been some intense ones of those. Even as I was thinking about talking with my psychiatrist about changing meds I was afraid he might take me off one of my more lethal meds and I was nearly out so I ordered an extra bottle just in case. I’ve thought about giving up on the no cutting, I don’t think anyone truly cares- I mean it’s my body and for the most part the thing that bothers me is what other people think about it. Plus it’s been so easy to feel overwhelmed lately. So I’ve been taking more Valium than I should and spending a lot of time in bed. Disengaging except with a few select people and events and even with some of those my heart wasn’t totally in it. I’ll never truly fit in, i’m too different, messed up and broken. I can fake it sometimes and sometimes even have really happy moments in groups but it always comes back to remind me that this isn’t me. this isn’t normal. people shouldn’t have to put in this much effort for a wishy washy pay off. The online dating is frustrating me… I hate making the effort only to have most conversations turn into a dead end. I’m also looking to get some more sexual experience but I don’t really know what to say or how to do that and it’s another awkward situation. It doesn’t seem fair and I don’t think life is this hard for most people. I was back talking to myself the other day and it felt good, like I didn’t have the worry I have when interacting with other people. Thing is this all is almost always in the back of my mind, I try not to write about it as much and then when I do, I don’t want to harp on it. So people think it goes away, like the typical BPD. But that’s not me. I don’t even know what to do now. I know what I’m suppose to do, do homework for Queer film history class, pack clothes for camping trip this weekend and push all this to the back of my mind and try to have fun this weekend or at least make life bareable but that’s just not going to work right now. I’m going back to bed to cry some more, I’ll figure out real life as they call it when I can.