In an effort to find the response to those participating in the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge easier to find, I am posting and updating this page to include the links to each day’s results/round up.
I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC. If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt. I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word. You can also start at anytime. I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
I’ve been struggling to take my medication as prescribed lately because of issues with ordering and the strike I keep talking about. I have my Maprotline now and my Viibryd, but I ran out of Prazosin a couple days ago and will run out of Lamictal for tomorrow’s pm dose. I keep figuring it will come in the mail (the last two medications were mail ordered.) 20 something’s friend asked couldn’t I just go to the pharmacy and get a limmited supply till the mailed ones come in. My answer is I just don’t care. While I am generally med compliant, I have only went off my meds once. While on antipsychotics I would sometimes purposely skip doses to see if i was really psychotic or if this was ll in my head. I’m leaving for LA and Disneyland tomorrow around 1pm and I don’t think the mail will have come by then. I guess it would be good self care to go to the pharmacy and get this taken care of. Thing is I lack assertiveness skills and have an appointment with my case manager tomorrow at 11:30, we’re planning on leaving for LA right after. Maybe I’ll put my dad on this.
Originally posted on Out of a Great Need:
I am sharing a passage from the book Resilience. I keep returning to it over and over again. This is a quote by Sander (the author’s son) during one of their family’s public speaking engagements for mental health advocacy. It deeply touched my heart and brought me to tears.
“I’ve always thought that the more sensitive a person is, the more susceptible they are to mental illnesses. A sick joke in our universe is that the more it allows a person to see its beauty and deep connectivity, the more difficult it becomes for that person to maintain good mental health.
In our culture, we tend to treat this tradeoff with a fierce double standard. As long as they are sharing with us beautiful insights into humanity, we will love and cherish them as heroes, but if they fall into substance abuse, depression or any other form of mental…
View original 78 more words
It started out with me waking up at 3:30am and not being able to get back to sleep. Since it was the first day of school and only 4 and 1/2 hours until I had to drive to school, I thought better than to take a Valium. Parking was horrendous and I got lost at least 3 times on the way to class. I have only taken two classes at this campus and am unfamiliar with it; however it will now be my majority campus as I have lost priority registration at the other campuses. I got into my math class which was a relief, but the pace of the class and the amount of homework assigned (that will be turned in) looks like a lot. I had a 45 minute break in between by next class, but considered it useless to work on the math homework since it had to be done in pencil and I had none. Next was Human Sexuality a class where 60%of our grade is based on two exams, the midterm and the final each 100 questions on a scantron. I really don’t like test dependent classes, even though I generally do good on them. Both my teachers are women and write a mini program of what we will go over in class and homework on the board or on their website, each section had at least 5 things to do today and Human Sexuality had about 5 things to prepare for next class. I was overwhelmed because this is my first semester taking 3 classes in at least 5 years maybe more like 8. (I have my Italian class at the other campus.) I was hungry and doubting myself. I started to notice my depression symptoms resurfacing yesterday and while I assume they will go away once I get all my medications back on track, it was concerning. Low motivation, being easily overwhelmed, and emotional were some of my symptoms.
After class it was the 45 minute commute home to my pharmacy with trying to get my medication that I am out of. That was an hour and 20 minute affair and I almost broke down and started crying in the pharmacy. I was frustrated beyond belief and joked with my sister that it was an accomplishment that I didn’t get myself 5150ed today. I had mentioned in a prior blog about being out of the Maprotline and Viibry and how many days I had been out for and why. On Friday I went to the pharmacy and they told me that the order would be in Monday, it was an hour till closing and I didn’t have the energy or assertiveness to push getting them that day. For some reason the pharmacy insists on reminding me these are special order, like I don’t know that already. Today the first thing they told me was that it was special order and not ready. I went through my speech the first of three times during this ordeal about being there Friday and them telling me they would be delivered Monday. After some silent keyboard punching for about five minutes she tells me they are there but need to be labeled. After waiting another 20 minutes I get the nerve to go up to the window and inquire about my prescriptions. After again not communicating with me and disappearing for another five minutes to talk to the other staff, they let me know one has been labeled but the other has not; and it will be just another two minutes and they will call my name. After under a minute they call my name and I think, “wow that was fast” but only have one prescription. Now on the verge of tears I explain for the third time the issue and she talks to the other pharmacists and yet again I am told to sit down and my name will be called. Another few minutes both medications are labeled and I am out of there.
Now I am famished and frustrated, overwhelmed, and emotional. I drop off my school stuff and medications at the house and go straight to eat. I was suppose to go on a walk but am so emotional and frustrated I cancel which makes me feel guilty. I went home and laid down for awhile. When I went to go load my pill chart I noticed I will be out of Prazosin after the morning dose tomorrow and in a few days I will be out of the Lamictal if the mail order doesn’t come.
Tonight I realized how often I alter my expectations and okay-ness with something based on someone else while ideally I would like to be on as little psych Meds as possible I feel like I have to have the same goals as my psychiatrist. I had altered what I wanted based on what I thought he was going to do. I was willing to accept it, even though I was doing great on the new Meds, just because I didn’t want to make waves and I thought that’s what he’d do anyways. I think I learned this pattern in childhood.
People with a diagnosis of BPD are often accused of manipulation and splitting in psychiatric settings. A quick Google search reveals that manipulation is the action of manipulating someone in a clever or unscrupulous way, the skilful handling, controlling or using of something or someone,to manage or influence skilfully, especially in an unfair manner, to manipulate people’s feelings. I have never felt skilful, clever, influential or in control in an emergency department or hospital setting yet I have been accused of manipulation and splitting.
Read the full article from Psych Central Here: Borderline Personality Disorder: Open Letter to Emergency Department and Hospital Based Staff
So I guess it’s official that I have a girlfriend now, except I’m not entirely sure she is comfortable with people knowing that. It seems kinda strange but it helps explain expectations better. We went out to dinner and hung out at my house tonight, I love my parents being gone and having the house to myself. I also hung out a little bit with lil sis this morning. I went to play Ultimate Frisbee with some friends from 20 something’s but not enough people came so we ended up just throwing the Frisbee around and then playing three flys up. It’s been a good day. I haven’t had my maprotline since Thursday and did a half dose of Viibryd yesterday and now am out of that. This can be explained by the strike at my health care coverage, my original appointment with my psychiatrist not working out, and the fact that both medications are special order and take longer to fill. Luckily I haven’t felt any differently physically or mentally despite missing the doses. My parents come back late Monday night, when at Frisbee I was mentioning to my friends about moving out. I think I need to get more serious about it, I feel stable and I have for a long time not wanted to live with my parents it just wasn’t an option. I think I should check with my case manager and maybe the therapist to see what they think. I don’t want to jump into things and relapse.
Found on Pride in Madness:
- What is the first childhood memory that comes to mind?
When I was around 10 and I tried to suffocate myself after a family argument.
- Did you have a imaginary friend or friends when you were a child?
I don’t remember a lot of my childhood. So I don’t remember.
- What was your favourite television program or show as a child?
I watched a lot of Nickeloden and Nick at Night.
- What is the first lie you can remember telling?
When I was trying to get myself held back in 5th grade and I lied and said I had turned in an assignment and the teacher lost it when really I just half-assed did it and got a D. I still remember hiding the assignment behind the piano.
- What is the first good thing or kindness you can remember doing?
I don’t remember I think I was generally a kind person, so nothing sticks out.
- What was your most favourite meal when you were a child?
Asparagus. It’s in a Mother’s Day cookbook I made in 1st grade. Most kids did pizza or cookies.
- What was your least favourite meal when you were a child?
Cauliflower, I called it Broccoli’s sick cousin.
- First book you can remember reading?
I used to read a lot, Sweet Valley High, Choose Your Own Adventure, and Goosebumps are the first things that come to mind.
- Favourite book as a child?
See above. I would read anything I loved all kinds of books.
- Were you ever part of a gang as a child?
No. I was more of an outcast until a teenager. As a teenager we had a group of friends called The Fried Chicken Club.
- Favourite toy/teddy bear from your childhood?
Reddy the Teddy, who was you guessed it red.
- What was your most favourite sweet or candy from your childhood.
Most anything, I have a major sweet tooth. Especially pixie sticks and fundip and other sugar based candy.
- Tell us about the first school trip that you can remember going on.
None really but I have pictures. Credit the bad memory again
- First record/track you remember listening to?
My favorite song was this oldie song that was really sad called “Last Kiss” about a couple in a car accident where the girl dies.
- First record/track you ever bought for yourself?
Probably the grammy nominees CD’s
- Favourite comic read as a child?
Didn’t read comics.
- Favourite movie as a child?
Drop Dead Fred.
- Favourite place to visit as a child?
- Favourite subject/class at school?
- Did you ever insist on being called by a different name or nick name?
- An adult neighbour you MOST get on with?
- Favourite smell from your childhood?
- What place or area did your parents say was ‘out of bounds’ but that you used to go to anyway?
My parents had very little rules and boundaries. So nothing was off limits that I remember.
- Did you ever shoplift (steal from the local store)?
Probably candy or something small.
- First dare you were ever given?
Don’t remember but I know we used to play truth or dare in the spa as a kid. Probably to jump in the cold pool and then into the spa, we called it “freeze and fry”
- Most embarrassing moment you remember?
Don’t remember one.
- If you could show us one place from your childhood where would it be?
- Were you sporty, geeky, arty? How would you describe yourself in those contexts?
Geeky an outcast.
- Favourite article of clothing?
- One thing said about you as a child?
- Favourite game you played as a child?
Hungry Hungry Hippos
- Favourite childhood pastime?
Daily Prompt 1/23/15: Write a post about any topic you wish, but make sure it ends with “And all was right in the world.”
Today was a great day. I woke up and made myself breakfast: blintz with boysenberry jam and sour cream, POG (Pomegranate, Orange, Guava Juice) and cinnamon rolls. 20 something’s friend had spent the night, so I didn’t wake up alone in the house. I played cards with my grandma and I won. I noticed I got a shout out on Facebook and got called wise. I had my appointment with my psychiatrist. Luckily the appointment went really well. He wants me on an optimal medication regimen and thinks this may be it. Meaning he’s not going to be pushing to reduce or stop my new meds. I think partly I have my case manager to thank for this, since the psychiatrist mentioned my case manager stopped by to discuss my progress. I’ve mentioned before here how my psychiatrist is kinda wacky. Today he was asking me about the probability I wouldn’t have a relapse. He asked if I’d bet $100 and when I said yes he said $10,000 which I wasn’t so sure about. He tends to word things strange. So it will be at least 3 months with these meds that I think are doing pretty well. Lil sis went to get her hair done this morning and the hair dresser gave her two vouchers for a free slice of cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. We went and saw Gibson and then went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. And all was right in the world.
I’ve still been sleeping a lot. I’m still convinced it’s the meds but whatever. I don’t know how well it’s going to go once school really begins. My Tuesday/Thursday class started this week but my two Monday/Wednesday classes start next week. Today I took 2 naps totaling about 4 hours. While I was napping, I got a call that I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I had to cancel yesterdays because I was afraid I’d be late for my date, my psychiatrist was running a half hour late. I had just written him a message to refill the two meds that I am completely out of and if he could change them to a 3 month supply instead of 1 month. I hope this appointment isn’t to tell me we should start tapering off the mew medicines. I tend to be really passive and a pushover, so I’ll likely just go with whatever he says. But 20 something’s friend had a good point I’m not sure the beginning of the semester is a good time to see if my mood improving has been majorily due to the new meds. I also just started my year long DBT. Maybe I’ll try to make that kind of argument tomorrow. I’m happy Italian has started back up and I feel like I have a head start since I took some of it and had to drop (for psych reasons) last spring.
Lil sis is coming down for the weekend, she was suppose to come down tonight. I feel kinda bad because I was trying to disuade her from coming tonight and to come in the morning. As I’ve said my parents are gone right now and I have the house to myself. 20 something’s friend is coming over tonight and I thought it would be awkward with lil sis. I was actually just talking to my sister when I got the text from lil sis. I was saying how we wouldn’t be as comfortable and felt like we had to watch what we said. My sister was like “oh, I get it” and said something about my friend not being able to talk about who he was screwing around with, the funny think is it’s the opposite. I had my date last night and we were going to talk about it tonight, I definitely wouldn’t have felt comfortable talking about it with my lil sis around. The girl seems kinda shy in some ways and others not at all. All I’ll share right now is that I had to go find my make up to cover up a hickey. ;)