In an effort to find the response to those participating in the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge easier to find, I am posting and updating this page to include the links to each day’s results/round up.
I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC. If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt. I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word. You can also start at anytime. I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
When I was involved with J. I was doing it purposely to destroy and hurt myself. I also knew he was unstable so the potential for him to go further was always there. It was exciting and technically I wasn’t doing the destroying. When I had moments of clarity I’d get rid of his number or swear to myself I wouldn’t contact him again. I even had my sister delete his texts and number out of my phone. Of course I just later tracked him down on the internet. It was a game and I didn’t care how hurt I got. Later when telling my psychiatrist about the draw to get back to the destructive behavior he told me some Greek mythology story about someone tying themselves to the mast at sea.
I went to that place again today. I knew I wasn’t safe but that was the fun and thrill in it. Luckily in that moment of clarity I canceled the date and took some Valium. I’m still a little concerned about destroying other more established relationships. So I guess it’s a night I gotta stay by myself and medicated to protect me from myself. Most people don’t see the darkness within me so they find it hard to believe what I’m capable of…. but I know. I’m getting better at stoping those urges, but I still have them and it’s scary and reminds me what I’m capable of.
I’m feeling the pull and I’m not sure who I really am right now. They say no cutting but I can do much more damage other ways. They think that’s the worst no it’s what keeps me from the worst. Putting yourself in situations where other people hurt you or forcing them too, that’s my speciality. I haven’t been free in awhile and I’m still getting fought. She’s a lot stronger than she use to be.
Destroy Marci is here and I’m considering letting her takeover.
In feeling like no one cares about me, so why should I care for myself. Fuck the medicine, getting out of bed, eating…
My new medication regimen, the Viibryd in my opinion, has my sleep all thrown off. Most days I take at least one nap sometimes for up to 4 hours. I don’t feel drowsy or groggy just the need to sleep. Fall asleep quickly during my naps and sometimes will sleep for hours if not waken. I mentioned this to my psychiatrist and my intensive case manager and didn’t really get any results. My psychiatrist said if anything it was the Latuda which hadn’t been adjusted in over a month. Yesterday morning I woke up at 5am ready for the day and Thursday morning I woke up at 3am. I probably took naps both days but I’m not routinely writing it down or anything. This
morning? afternoon I wake up nearly at 1pm. I feel a little groggy and light headed. My life works okay right now where I am functioning fine with an erratic sleep schedule. It’s breaks in between school and my work is once a month and very flexible. It makes me wonder though how I will do next semester with more classes. I’ve tried a number of sleep hygiene things and my own ways to moderate sleep. If I’m not sleepy and I lay in bed, my mind just goes everywhere for a couple hours till I get to sleep. If I feel the need to sleep in the day but can’t because of obligations I drink a Red Bull or some Starbucks.
I’m finding my emotions are stronger lately and also only lasting a couple hours where they kind of do a volcano peak. Last night I was really giddy or excited or something, not sure how to explain it but it was on the good side of things. A friend asked me why and I couldn’t really put my finger on it, it was almost like the opposite of depression which usually never has a reason either. I’m use to intense emotions but usually they last an hour tops and are in the negative realm.
I’ve spent much of today on my own but the good mood has lasted throughout the day, not giddy/excited like last night but happy. I even ended up going out to lunch by myself because what I wanted there was no one who could go with me. That’s rare although I’m doing it more often now. Normally I would just not eat, or eat sweets at home. My mood is starting to drop since I’ve been alone much of the day and family is annoying me. I know I’m 32 and suppose to take care of myself but if you leave me alone for lunch you think the least you could do is help provide for dinner. I get so frustrated when it seems I only sometimes get support or attention when I’m struggling.
28. What short-term goals do you have?
- 3 dates in the next 3 months
- Finish all 11 units of Spring 2015 and be able to go full time in Fall 2015
- Work on brushing my teeth more often
- Learn how to cook a couple things, (not baking)
So I have a “date” on Sunday from the online dating site. I’m not sure what she is looking for because I have multiple options under here for as she does. One of the things being “casual sex” I’m trying to get more experienced but I have so much anxiety and I know I just need to do it. We were texting each other a little bit about where we are going to meet up and she typed “hangout” like that with the quotation marks. Another anxiety is that she is from about an hour away so we defiently aren’t going to her place and I live with my parents. I haven’t done any of this before and it’s real awkward. I don’t know what to do but I guess I’ll just go with whatever. I’m probably going to be in a heightened state of anxiety till after Sunday.
I’ve been on and off psych meds since I was 10 years old. And pretty much consistently on them since age 17. I’ve never been one to be sexually attracted to other people. It’s rare and since my teen years when it was only women I was attracted to and I tried to suppress all those feelings. About 6 months or so ago, my sexual attractions and feelings came back for awhile and it was overwhelming. I started to seriously pursue online dating in the hopes of engaging in sexual behavior. I did a little, and it was good but my issues prevented me from enjoying it fully. Since coming out of the hospital (late Oct.) and even more new meds the sexual desire is gone again. Social situations are difficult for me, so you can imagine my anxiety with dating. I also have the BPD rejection and abandonment feelings. I feel like the sexual attraction/desire has to be pretty great for me to overcome these barriers. When in my early 20’s I thought maybe I was asexual because I had no attraction, my attraction to women was shut down and I’ve never really been attracted to men. There was a great post that I re-blogged awhile ago on Grey-sexual. I think that’s what I am, and the article talks about things that make the grey-sexual one. Like mental health issues, past trauma, and other things I meet. But with my current life circumstances and past history that’s what I chose. I happen to like labels they make things simpler in my opinion. I imagine if I had a big sex drive before meds I’d have trouble being compliant, I hear that’s one of the top reasons people stop taking their psych meds. So for now I’m still going to practice the online dating just not as energetic as I was earlier in the fall.
Still pretty much in the same blah mood, though maybe it’s lifted or shifted about a level up. I was really annoyed with family earlier today and the fact that they “only” pay attention to me when I’m depressed or struggling. (I put the only in quotes because I know it’s not always true.) I went to see my case manager today and mentioned what they did and how it was making me feel like I have to be struggling in order to get attention or care, and she was quick to say if I even get it then.
I have a lot of stuff coming up for the holidays and I am trying to focus on that. Tomorrow for group we are making Christmas ornaments and I’m leading it, also in the AM is my last final. Saturday is high school friend’s Christmas party. Monday me and 20 something’s friend are making and decorating Christmas cookies. Tuesday is an anxiety class and a friend from group is having a holiday get together. Wednesday is a therapy appointment and Christmas eve dinner with family and 20 something’s friend. Thursday is Christmas. The week after that is a 3 day cabin trip for New Years.