30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

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Stay tuned

8 Oct

Something meaningful and probably long coming soon…..

31 Days of Lists Challenge: Day 26

8 Oct

31 days of list challenge

Day 26: Words that I hate

  • Blowing my phone up
  • N word
  • C*nt

On belonging and feeling “in place.”

8 Oct


“In the end, I burnt out, caught between the desire to fit in and the desire to be authentic.” I can relate

Originally posted on closertohappiness:

“Contrary to what most of us think, belonging is not fitting in.  In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging.  Fitting in, I’ve discovered during more than a decade or research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them.  Belonging is something else entirely – it’s showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are…”  – Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection.

A few weeks ago, while taking a hike with my dad and two of our long-time family friends, I had the realization:  I do belong.  I am loved.  I have been searching for community for so much of my life, and while I can always meet more people I value and who value me, I have had it all along.  And most of…

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AND: It’s Both – Guns and Mental Illness

8 Oct Featured Image -- 205739


Exactly and please lets not only talk about mental illnesses in the wake of mass shootings, it gives us a bad name and only continues the stigma and fear that the general population feels.

Originally posted on word from the trenches:

Another awful shooting.

A college in Oregon, a movie theater in Louisiana, a church in Charleston, an elementary school in Connecticut and a movie theater in Colorado… schools, military bases… There are so many I can’t remember all of them.

My brother, Paul Flannery, suffered a psychotic break at age 16.  Convinced, after watching the violent miniseries of The Last of the Mohicans, that he had been scalped, he shaved his head.  Bleeding profusely from several razor nicks, he then ran through the house screaming, bolted out the door, stole my parents’ Volkswagen and took off. (I wrote about caring for him in my book,( Shot in the Head, A Sister’s Memoir, a Brother’s Struggle)  Probably the only reason he didn’t hurt anyone was that he was taken to a hospital where he was diagnosed with schizophrenia, medicated, and held in various psychiatric facilities for the next twenty years…

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I feel like I should say something

7 Oct

Things are chaotic right now.  Every time I see something about the Oregon community college shooting I’m triggered but at the same time can’t look away.  The voices have been back intermittently fighting with each other about mass shootings which makes it hard to concentrate.  One voice suggests I kill myself so the other voices won’t convince me to kill others.  Note: This is all talk and I have no intention or desire to act out what these voices say, neither is it the first time it’s came up so I do know how to handle it if it gets dangerous.  However, what is new this time is the voice about suicide calling me a hero. It’s strange and I’m afraid of scaring people or it being misinterpreted.

Along with the voices, I’ve been incredibly apathetic and feel empty inside.  This has lead to my lack of blogging and me wondering if I should stop blogging all together.  There seems to be no purpose to anything so I can’t even get motivation to study.  And just my luck it’s during midterms week.  Sometimes it seems the world is conspiring against me, and I mean this in a non paranoid kind of way.

Anyways, I don’t have much to say.


6 Oct

The uneasiness is still there and now I’m feeling a lack of connection.  Connection keeps me alive.  I’ve slept all day practically yesterday, recovering from the Disneyland trip.  I debated closing this blog down.  I feel like a couple years ago I had a community that would comment and we’d help each other through life’s ups and downs.  I don’t feel like that anymore and that’s one reason why I’m thinking about stopping blogging.  Another is that I don’t feel like I’m reaching anyone.  Blogging seems pointless.

I feel disconnected in real life too.  I am again doubting my ability to transfer.  This week I don’t see my case manager unless I message her tomorrow asking for an emergency appointment.  I’m jealous of the bloggers who see their therapists more often or get hugs or stuff like that.  Things have been rough but I’m not sure I want to divulge  or even if there would be a point to it.

It all seems pointless and I’m having trouble staying above water.

Update- uneasy

5 Oct

I’m feeling really uneasy right now. The voices made a quick joke about the school shooting on Thursday. I just kinda shrugged it off. Saturday night we got bits a verbal tirade that ended up with me taking an extra Latuda and 2 Valium. Last night I was afraid of the same so I took NyQuil so they wouldn’t have a chance. It worked, but I had bad dreams. I’m really anxious and paranoid regarding social activities and the social circle and its playing out in my dreams. I wake up crying or pissed off. Like these things are happening in real life. Reality is blurring in so many ways and I feel a breakdown coming on. I wish someone would just tell me it’s alright and it won’t get that bad, but who knows. Very stressed and uneasy.

4 Oct

if you only knew

Resource: Emotional Abuse

1 Oct

One definition of emotional abuse is: “any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault ♦, humiliation ♦, intimidation ♦, infantilization ♦, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity♦, dignity♦, and self-worth.♦”1

Emotional abuse is also known aspsychological abuse or as “chronic verbal aggression♦” by researchers. People who suffer from emotional abuse tend to have very low self-esteem ♦, show personality changes (such as becoming withdrawn) ♦ and may even become depressed ♦, anxious ♦ or suicidal♦.

Emotional Abuse Signs and Symptoms

Emotional abuse symptoms vary but can invade any part of a person’s life. Signs of emotional abuse include:

  • Yelling or swearing (read about: Emotional Bullying)
  • Name calling or insults; mocking
  • Threats and intimidation
  • Ignoring or excluding
  • Isolating
  • Humiliating
  • Denial of the abuse and blaming of the victim

Emotional abuse, like other types of abuse, tends to take the form of a cycle.2 In a relationship, this cycle starts when one partner emotionally abuses the other, typically to show dominance. The abuser then feels guilt, but not about what he (or she) has done, but more over the consequences of his actions. The abuser then makes up excuses for his own behavior to avoid taking responsibility over what has happened. The abuser then resumes “normal” behavior as if the abuse never happened and may, in fact, be extra charming, apologetic and giving – making the abused party believe that the abuser is sorry. The abuser then begins to fantasize about abusing his partner again and sets up a situation in which more emotional abuse can take place.

More information on: Dynamics of Emotional Abuse in Relationships.

Information from Emotional Abuse: Definitions, Signs, Symptoms, Examples

Seems very familiar other than the last sentence about the abuser fantasizing about abusing the person again.  I don’t think that necessarily happens/ed

Intense emotions

1 Oct

Today I had an appointment with the therapist. We were talking about progress and I said how I have a hard time seeing progress. I guess I thought as I used DBT skills my emotions would be less intense and easier to regulate. That hasn’t been the case, if anything my emotions are more intense probably because I’m dealing with a lot of stressors. I mention it seems they just get more and more intense like they are trying to break me. Apparently the progress is in my behavior and the external stuff rather than the internal stuff. I wanted to talk more about the flash backs but kept jumping around instead. Not sure I really accomplished anything in therapy today. 


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