30 MIAC Results/Round Up

12 Oct

MIA challenge

In an effort to find the response to those participating in the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge easier to find, I am posting and updating this page to include the links to each day’s results/round up.

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30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC.  If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt.  I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word.  You can also start at anytime.  I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

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30 Day Self Harm Awareness: Day 29

22 Dec

Master List

29. Do you follow any self-harm blogs?

I follow people with mental health issues that self harm as well as people with borderline personality disorder who do/have participated in self harming behavior.  I don’t consider any of their blogs primarily about self harm though.

Levels or types of Borderline Personality Disorder

22 Dec

mm172001:

I think I am more at a low level now, after years of therapy and learning DBT skills. I have been at medium and high before, and was diagnosed at that time.

Originally posted on counselorssoapbox:

By David Joel Miller 

Are there differnet types of Borderline Personality Disorder?

People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) differ so much there might be more than one type of BPD or that we may be placing several different mental illnesses together under one label. Gunderson in his book Borderline Personality Disorder describes three levels of functioning in people with BPD. Hotchkiss appears to enlarge this idea into three types of borderlines.

Diagnostic criteria for mental health disorders are largely normal characteristics which have grown so large that they begin to interfere with everyday life. Everyone has sadness sometimes and we all are or should be anxious occasionally. That same concept of degree rather than nature is applicable to BPD.

Masterson wrote about Narcissistic personality disorder and described this as coming in low medium and high levels. I think the use of that same sort of yardstick for measuring BPD might…

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Borderline tendencies

22 Dec

The last couple weeks or so have had a lot of borderline episodes and urges popping up.  From self harm urges when disappointed by people or let down.  The urge to go off.  Feelings of insecurity and jealousy.  Yesterday’s episode of destructiveness to the point where I had to cancel a date for my own good.  The urge to cling because of impending ending of relationships even if it’s over a year out.  So far it has just been urges and I have held back from acting on them.  But it’s really difficult having this all going on inside me and trying to pretend everything is okay on the outside.  Trying to be supportive and understanding.  Sitting with discomfort.

Today I was planning on hanging out with 20 something’s friend and another friend wanted to come too.  I didn’t really want him there because he’s a lot to handle and I wanted to spend time with just my friend, but I didn’t really know what to say, so I used my dad as an excuse.  I feel bad but I didn’t really know what to say.  Lately that’s been most the source of the jealousy.  I’m learning that different people have different relationships and they present in different ways.  It’s just hard sometimes to see people having so much fun together and a unique connection I’m not really capable of.  Also I feel like I contributed to the rekindling of the friendship, at the same time I’m trying to be the bigger person.  Plus I see parts of me in him, especially how I was when I was younger.

Some Greek story

21 Dec

When I was involved with J. I was doing it purposely to destroy and hurt myself. I also knew he was unstable so the potential for him to go further was always there. It was exciting and technically I wasn’t doing the destroying. When I had moments of clarity I’d get rid of his number or swear to myself I wouldn’t contact him again. I even had my sister delete his texts and number out of my phone. Of course I just later tracked him down on the internet. It was a game and I didn’t care how hurt I got. Later when telling my psychiatrist about the draw to get back to the destructive behavior he told me some Greek mythology story about someone tying themselves to the mast at sea.
I went to that place again today. I knew I wasn’t safe but that was the fun and thrill in it. Luckily in that moment of clarity I canceled the date and took some Valium. I’m still a little concerned about destroying other more established relationships. So I guess it’s a night I gotta stay by myself and medicated to protect me from myself. Most people don’t see the darkness within me so they find it hard to believe what I’m capable of…. but I know. I’m getting better at stoping those urges, but I still have them and it’s scary and reminds me what I’m capable of.

12/21/14

21 Dec

I’m feeling the pull and I’m not sure who I really am right now. They say no cutting but I can do much more damage other ways. They think that’s the worst no it’s what keeps me from the worst. Putting yourself in situations where other people hurt you or forcing them too, that’s my speciality. I haven’t been free in awhile and I’m still getting fought. She’s a lot stronger than she use to be.

Destroy

21 Dec

Destroy Marci is here and I’m considering letting her takeover.

Deliberate lack of self care

21 Dec

In feeling like no one cares about me, so why should I care for myself. Fuck the medicine, getting out of bed, eating…

Sleep

20 Dec

My new medication regimen, the Viibryd in my opinion, has my sleep all thrown off.  Most days I take at least one nap sometimes for up to 4 hours.  I don’t feel drowsy or groggy just the need to sleep.  Fall asleep quickly during my naps and sometimes will sleep for hours if not waken.  I mentioned this to my psychiatrist and my intensive case manager and didn’t really get any results.  My psychiatrist said if anything it was the Latuda which hadn’t been adjusted in over a month.  Yesterday morning I woke up at 5am ready for the day and Thursday morning I woke up at 3am.  I probably took naps both days but I’m not routinely writing it down or anything.  This morning? afternoon I wake up nearly at 1pm.  I feel a little groggy and light headed.  My life works okay right now where I am functioning fine with an erratic sleep schedule.  It’s breaks in between school and my work is once a month and very flexible.  It makes me wonder though how I will do next semester with more classes.  I’ve tried a number of sleep hygiene things and my own ways to moderate sleep.  If I’m not sleepy and I lay in bed, my mind just goes everywhere for a couple hours till I get to sleep.  If I feel the need to sleep in the day but can’t because of obligations I drink a Red Bull or some Starbucks.

12/19/14

19 Dec

I’m finding my emotions are stronger lately and also only lasting a couple hours where they kind of do a volcano peak.  Last night I was really giddy or excited or something, not sure how to explain it but it was on the good side of things.  A friend asked me why and I couldn’t really put my finger on it, it was almost like the opposite of depression which usually never has a reason either.  I’m use to intense emotions but usually they last an hour tops and are in the negative realm.

I’ve spent much of today on my own but the good mood has lasted throughout the day, not giddy/excited like last night but happy.  I even ended up going out to lunch by myself because what I wanted there was no one who could go with me.  That’s rare although I’m doing it more often now.  Normally I would just not eat, or eat sweets at home.  My mood is starting to drop since I’ve been alone much of the day and family is annoying me.  I know I’m 32 and suppose to take care of myself but if you leave me alone for lunch you think the least you could do is help provide for dinner.  I get so frustrated when it seems I only sometimes get support or attention when I’m struggling.

30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge: Day 28

18 Dec

Master List

28. What short-term goals do you have?

  • 3 dates in the next 3 months
  • Finish all 11 units of Spring 2015 and be able to go full time in Fall 2015
  • Work on brushing my teeth more often
  • Learn how to cook a couple things, (not baking)
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