I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC. If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt. I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word. You can also start at anytime. I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
I feel happy and very relieved that I have a couple people in my life who know my deepest darkest secrets and still like me. Gives me hope that I might be an okay person.
Ive mentioned before I have a Facebook page for my blog. It use to be connected to my personal FB ex-girlfriend found it, that’s how/why we broke up. It was sad deleting it, I had like 70 people who had “liked” the page. Along with even some real nice posts to page by other bloggers. If you’re on Facebook check it out.
The content is part of what I post here and other things like memes, photos, videos, and links to other articles or blogs I really like. There are also status updates of how I’m doing, where I’d think it would be pointless to write a 2 sentence blog. It’s also the best way to privately contact me, since I don’t give my personal e-mail out much. I’ve made some friends I Facebook messenger with.
Have I convinced you yet? The link to it is on the side bar. Comment if you have trouble and I can totally send you the link.
So last night around the campfire we were talking about PK (my first love from high school). It’s been about 10 years and I can finally say I’m over here and moving on from the trauma it created in my life. Anyways, I was talking about how I knew I was over her was when I had a dream and she was telling me she loved me and I was not interested anymore. Tonight I had another dream with her in it, the first since the last one when I realized I was over it. It was a funny dream and I actually woke up laughing. I was trying to track her down and finally get some closure. Of course it was at a religious event. High school friend was in it along with a mutual friend of me and high school friend they were the ones trying to help me track her down, only to run off part way through the adventure. In the dream I got closure, I wonder if that’s enough for real life?
So today was better, more anxiety though. I got to talking after dinner. There was different people involved than usual and hopefully I didn’t share much. I think I’m okay but that doesn’t stop my anxiety.
Sometimes when the voices get real bad (usually the back 2s) I have to disconnect or dissociate sometimes to have a meeting where I am the judge. I even have a gavel. My case manager has asked me where I go a couple times and I say no where or stare blankly because I think it’s weird.
ive been really busy these last couple days. The family is camping for Memorial Day, I’ve had some friends come up, my parents and lil sis, her boyfriend and part of their family is her, my dads friend, his brother, daighter and her friend are here. The neighbors came up for the day. Lots of people coming and going. Yesterday 5 of my friends came to go boating. And last night I went home for the night to go to a music festival Everclear was playing at with 20 somethings friend. I’m disappointed I didn’t have a very good day yesterday, of course I tried to act like I was having fun but felt more on the blah side. Last night I woke up from a bad dream at 5am where I felt empty, rejected, and lonely. It kept me up for at least another half hour before I could get back to sleep. I’ve been trying to hang around the people but I really feel like hiding away. Last night after the music festival we met some friends at a bar and I realized I feel like a lost child when I’m at a bar or club and just stop trying to force myself to like it or even tolerate it. I feel a breakdown coming but maybe I’m just being pessimistic.
Im not really sure when I was diagnosed with BPD. Probably right at 18, but no one ever told me. Which is pretty typical for people diagnosed with BPD. I was even put in a year long DBT program without ever being told why.
I meet all the criteria or have at some point. As a teenager you could probably classify me as the typical borderline. I still have enough criteria to still be diagnosed with BPD. I prefer to call myself an “internal borderline” because most of my symptoms are hidden or go on inside me.
The biggest thing is the fear of abandonment and that symptom doesn’t fit anywhere else. My mood symptoms can be BPD or the bipolar part depending on the severity and how long they last. The impulsivity also can be seen in hypo manic states. People think you have to self harm to be diagnosed with BPD or that if you have BPD you self harm. Neither of which are true. The psychosis can be under schizoaffective or BPD depending on its severity or length. Most people with mental illness have difficulties in relationship and with my BPD I internalize the anger and hurt so I’m not reactive like some people. Another reason I say “internal borderline.”