In an effort to find the response to those participating in the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge easier to find, I am posting and updating this page to include the links to each day’s results/round up.
I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC. If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt. I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word. You can also start at anytime. I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
Most my blog followers have mental health issues, some with BPD. Here’s my description of borderline personality disorder. They’re talking about changing the name to emotionally unstable personality disorder. One of the criteria is unstable intense emoticons, that cycle really quick. From minutes to hours rarely more than a couple days; as opposed to mood disorders that have to last at least two weeks. My two main intense emotions are anxiety and sadness, anger is a typical one for most borderlines. I’m okay with borderline because it always feels like I’m on the border or edge. Also I think the name emotionally unstable personality disorder will be more stigmatizing. Another big thing is fear of abandonment, emotional or physical. Most people with BPD have different levels of childhood trauma. Abuse, neglect, and alcohol and drug abuse are common. It’s been said that children aren’t taught by their parents how to regulate themselves emotionally. Chronic feelings of emptiness and suicidality are other criteria. Self harm behaviors, suicidal gestures or threats. I had self harm behaviors but not the other two. People think those who have BPD are manipulative, it’s a big stereotype. I never feel good enough and have a problem with thinking my thinking is real. This has to do with invalidation and frequently being told your thoughts and feelings are wrong. I have really low self esteem which isn’t necessarily a characteristic of BPD but common with those. That plays with the abandonment fears, so since I’m a terrible evil horrible person so it makes sense people will ditch me. Here’s my description of how it manifests in me. It’s different in everyone and I have co-occurring disorders so some stuff overlaps and gets blurry.
So my responsible plan didn’t work. I did study and rewrite the full page essay about 3 times but that’s not good enough. Of course the focus is on the fact that I laid down for over an hour and did nothing because I’m tired and lazy. I can’t even motivate myself for 1/2 a day there is no way I’ll be able to live by myself. I suck at everything and this is one of those times where I need reassurance but really have no where to go. Sister is still at work. Weary with 20 something’s friend. Don’t see case manager till Wednesday. The three people that matter aren’t available or I won’t reach out. It’s crazy how discouraged I get so easily and how fast it all goes from all to nothing. I know it’s all borderline stuff. Now the day is ruined until someone can make me feel better and I don’t even deserve that. Why do I fuck everything up. I didn’t think trying to be responsible and not napping all day was that big of a goal, but I can’t do anything. Can’t even fucking write what I want to.
I may have slept in/stayed in bed till noon but I’m trying to be responsible as possible today. I took a bath, washed my hair, and changed all my clothes. I have a habit of putting on the same clothes again and again, even if they’re dirty or smell a little. I even brushed my teeth and I almost never do that. I picked up Gibson and have worked on a French essay, writing and rewriting it. I ate a healthy lunch but I’m losing drive and motivation; all I want to do is go lay back down. This is kinda sad because I haven’t even been up for 3 hours really. Makes me doubt about that moving out and living on my own. Kinda anxious cuz I wrote a somewhat weird but honest message to 20 something’s friend last night and he hasn’t responded though I’m not sure it really warranted a response. Maybe I can take a power lay down instead of a nap….
I’ve been thinking about this post for awhile wanting to write it as my yearly wrap up, but I can’t wait for that.
In January I came out as gay to my parents and told them that the group I’ve been going to for a few years (the 20 something’s ) is an LGBT group. I then had to explain LGBT, the conversation was short but I knew it wouldn’t be the end of it. My mom has been just like I predicted, though every now and then she will have a question for me. My dad has tried to keep his comments down but we’ve got into it a couple times about my gay friends and gay life. Now that I’m beginning dating I know there will be more to come.
In February I found a new medication that’s been a blessing and a curse, Latuda. Two of the three sets of voices are gone and haven’t really been back since. The med causes mild Tardive Dyskynesia symptoms and that’s been a major argument with dad. Also without the psychosis I felt like I was no longer legit with my mental illness, now only dealing with depression, BPD, and Trauma. I wondered if the voices were ever real and went through an identity crisis. With the end to the voices I thought I’d be “better” and was so excited and nervous about all the opportunities I’d have. That wore off after about a month and some major depression and BPD symptoms kicked in that haven’t really let up since.
I’ve tried to reach out and make closer friends. Being out to my parents meant less lies when I wanted to do things with my friends from group. And they’ve even been over here. There have been some really fun moments. That I wish I could clutch to in the times if despair but they seem to vanish. One friend in particular I’ve gotten real close with and while it’s great and progress, it causes me so much anxiety and just freaks me the fuck out sometimes. (BPD abandonment issues, past experiences).
I had to withdraw spring semester after being forced into IOP by my case manager and was put on academic probation at one of the schools I attend. My student is my other identity and gives me a sense if self mastery/self confidence. And now the craziness has taken that away too. In addition to IOP I spent a month in partial and another week inpatient. While in the hospital i had my first friend visit me, my hospitalizations are probably at like 15 now.
I’m dating, even including me asking people. I’m thinking about moving out again, after the whole Latuda thing and transition I’d given up on that. I realized even without the voices I’m still not well enough to work, so will be pursuing disability.
I’m considering working on the trauma/back 2 voices. But because of everything I’ve been in crisis mode so much, it’s hard to do anything.
Everything is changing and I can’t peg anything. The anxiety is horrible. I’m learning to just live with the fear and discomfort and do it anyways, most times. I’m getting better at communicating but I got a long way to go. I’ve gotten close to 2 blogger friends and feel like I have people to talk to that are on my level.
It’s been good, it’s been bad, there have been great times, mostly full of anxiety and depression but DESPITE that I’ve still made a bit of headway and hopefully will continue to.
For people unfamiliar with psychosis it plays on fear. I was confounded by this because if you are “breaking from reality” (a common phrase with psychosis) why couldn’t it be a good fantasy; but no. Today the voices are telling me I’m not gay and I just pretended all this to get friends. It’s rather annoying as this set of voices constantly makes me question myself because parts of me identify with parts of it. It’s really confusing and unsettling. They’re playing off my relationship history, or lack there of, they see the weakness and embrace it. I also have that date I set up for Saturday and maybe they’re trying to mess with that too. They just want to mess up my life lately and sometimes I fight it and sometimes I don’t have the energy to. It’s always scary once the voices start making some kind of sense or I interact with them, that usually means hospital time. School wise I can’t afford to be hospitalized plus I’m not suicidal or homicidal or anything right now, just parts are hell bent on destruction. Today I fight them, tomorrow who knows. I wish I had more people fighting on my side.
Having a hard time again, what’s new? Yesterday I went to the goodbye party and then afterward went to dinner with my dad where we got into an argument over me not interacting with him. I should have known not to go in my vulnerable state, so I see it as my fault.
I know the depression is still there but everything seems so borderline. The parts fighting over getting better versus giving up. The fear of abandonment. The neediness and reassurance. The emptiness. Yet there’s some hope but few can foster it. I’m thinking of withdrawing and isolating the bad parts say no one will notice or care. That’s the big thing right now, get out while you still can. Yet it already seems too late. There’s a friend in particular that’s stressing me out. I think I need to hide my availability on chat. People have access to this blog but I’ve determined almost all of them are too self absorbed to read. I use to worry about what I’d write and that they’d read it, but no more. I think people pretend to be supportive because it’s what your suppose to do. But few are in reality. Plus my minds so messed up right now it’s like no one could like me anyway. The typical thoughts. Some voices are back, I don’t even care. I got two hours to pull myself together and have fun. Then back to my self imposed misery.
Seriously thinking about canceling on this goodbye party. But then I’d just be at home miserable. Sometimes that’s better than being around certain people miserable. Plus I don’t even like a lot of the people going, or am annoyed at them currently. The people I like are probably busy and I feel like I’m pushing the envelope already as it is. What to do?