30 MIAC Results/Round Up

12 Oct

MIA challenge

In an effort to find the response to those participating in the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge easier to find, I am posting and updating this page to include the links to each day’s results/round up.

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30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC.  If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt.  I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word.  You can also start at anytime.  I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

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Making plans despite apathy

23 Jul

I don’t know what to do to fight this depression so I am just trying to make plans and go on with life.  I have at least one thing every day this week until Monday to try to keep me out of bed.  I’m still feeling pretty apathetic and kind of bummed that I’m putting in this effort (which takes all that I have right now) and don’t feel the benefit.  I guess for now all there is to set up plans and hope that by the time they roll around I can enjoy them.  It just feels so pointless right now.

Thursday- 3pm going to lunch/dinner with family friend, 8pm 20 something’s group

Friday- 6pm going to the state fair with a friend from the 20 something’s group

Saturday- 7pm Steve Miller Band and Journey concert with my sister and staying the night

Sunday- Something with sister in afternoon, 7pm Gay Movie Night

Monday- 4pm appointment with case manager


And just set up plans to go to Disneyland for my birthday, going to Mickey’s Halloween Party again this year with high school friend and her husband.   (October 23-26)


23 Jul

2 days out of the hospital and I’m wondering if I made a mistake.  There was a motive to get out, I had bought expensive concert tickets for my sister for her 30th birthday and the concert is this weekend.  I was also at a hospital I was not familiar with and the treatment I receive at the other hospital is better in my opinion.  However, I’m back to more suicidal than I should be and the cutting urges are back to the point where I’m ready to just give up and go back to cutting for the relief.  I’m also having problems related to sex, past relationships, memories, dissociation, and some I guess PTSD type issues.  Right now I’m thinking about having my case manager put me back in again on Monday, it’ll be after the concert and hopefully I’d get my normal place.

I guess it’s a good sign that I care enough about my well being to consider the hospital.  I just feel this split going on inside right now between survival and death, and I’m not sure who will win.  At the moment I’m leaning more towards survival, probably because I hung out with some friends earlier today so my mood is a little better.  I can’t live in a psychiatric hospital though and I’m not sure how much longer I can handle living at home.  I tried a board and care and I was too functional for that and it was depressing.  I think a room and board will not have enough interaction or activity to keep me okay.  Intensive programs have been suggested but most require something that doesn’t fit with me, I’m not homeless, I am not within a certain age frame, or other criteria.

I’m afraid of losing my insurance and therefore one of my main supports.  My other supports being friends and my sister.  I’m still terrified about losing my friends or growing apart from them.  Depression makes it so hard to reach out and my self worth tells me if I don’t make the effort they will let me fade away, or would like me to.  I’m not so worried about losing my sister though if shit went down with the family I’m not sure what she would do.

I had an argument with dad last night that started off a “discussion” and crying fest.   It has my mind all fucked up and paranoia setting in again.  I may go back to password protecting more posts.

Here is a graphic I made comparing the hospitals:

table hospitals

Protected: Family Mind Fuckery

23 Jul

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Frustrated with psychiatrist

22 Jul

I wrote my psychiatrist a message saying I needed to meet with him after being released from the hospital.  When I talked to my case manager today she said I had an appointment set up with his nurse, which of course I hadn’t been informed of.  I looked into my health insurance’s messaging system and he had read the note so either he set up the appointment and didn’t tell me (which the thought of is pissing me off) or kaiser finally called back and the hospital/his nurse set it up.  My current problems are too big to be dealt with by his nurse.  I have an appointment at the end of August but that’s not going to cut it.  The appointment would be right before I go to school and if the depression continues to be this bad then I will not be able to keep up with school, which is my stabalizer- one reason I’ve probably been doing so bad since having to drop my spring classes.

Protected: Sex and dissociation

22 Jul

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I’m back

21 Jul

Just a quick post to let you know I’m out of the psych hospital.  Just went through my e-mails, facebook, texting back, messaging doctors and all that.  6 Days of technology to catch up on.  Will post later about my experience as well as get back to comments from pre-hospital blog posts.

My reasons

14 Jul

Today was a good day. My borderline tendencies want me to pretend everything’s okay now and I don’t need the hospital but I know myself. People think it’s strange that I don’t go to the ER when suicidal but instead set up an appt to have my case manager put a hold on me. There’s a couple reasons but the main one is: a psychiatric hospital is not the best place to be and I will often change my mind and be “okay” just to go home when I shouldn’t. With the hold I have at least 3 days and usually end up for a week staying the rest of the time voluntarily. So obviously I’m tempted to be “okay” now, and I had a great day with friends but I gotta take care of myself. And things change quick plus I know the suicidality is right below the surface.

One more day

14 Jul

Gotta hold on one more day.

What brought it on this time?

14 Jul

I’ve always been frustrated and feel like I got a raw deal because I’ve never really had a normal life. The average person is not this sad and hopeless. The average person doesn’t go long periods of time feeling nothing and numb just void. The average person doesn’t hear voices. The average person doesn’t self harm and isn’t as suicidal as I am. The average person can handle stress, relationships, friends, and responsibilities. The average person doesn’t need the mental health system to save them or protect them from themselves. The average person doesn’t hate themselves this much. There’s not so much split. The average person does not feel this alone. And these are things that have been and are pretty constant in my life.
Being dependent on other people.
Feeling so alone and different.
Not being able to work, difficulties staying out of the hospital.
The dual desire to live and die, fighting it out everyday.
Not being able to sustain relationships.

Specifics of this time:
*some voices gone, hope but fear and expectations.
*realization some of this illness is just me.
*realization with some symptoms gone life is still real hard.
*new found sexuality and possibilities of relationships and how much work it’ll take.
*realization of how much time and opportunities I’ve lost from bring mentally ill.
*finally having friends and in my opinion with one connecting piece that may weaken soon
*sister less avaliable
*everyone moves on/ahead but me

I fall apart fast or do I

14 Jul

Things have been rough for awhile, real bad depression wise for at least a couple months and more like 6-9 months with a few small breaks in between.  Some people wonder how you can consider suicide, but a lot of people understand the feeling of what it is like to want to die but being able to overcome it in some way.  I can’t get that overcoming part down… the bad outweigh the good by so much it’s ridiculous, there is not enough pleasure to even slightly offset the immense emotional pain I am in.  I don’t have kids to take care of.  People would miss me but most of them I think would get over it with time.  I don’t see me contributing to the world and I don’t see the pain ending enough to have any sort of quality of life.  My “good days” are probably other people’s “okay days.”  I just wake up with this sense of dread of another day, more pain, more pretense, more survival, and hopefully some distraction.  Distraction has been the only thing that’s been helping lately while it is totally false that you can “fake it till you make it” it does give you something to do and put energy into.  Plastic fantastic.  My condition is chronic, this is a life long thing that is all I have ever really known and escape is so appealing.  I don’t have much faith in my psychiatrist or medication.  The work I do to stay alive is work I do and I’m terrified I’m about ready to give that up.

I’ve been falling apart since last fall, unraveling slowly at first.  I remember when it got so bad (just the depression not suicidal) that I went to the ER with the knowledge that I could spend my 31st b-day in the hospital.  It’s been a slow drag and then after the last hospitalization there was a weird transition time.  Adjusting to no constant voices and just a weird state that I don’t ever recall being in that lasted for a month or so.  Then the depression hit full force again, this time with major self harm urges.  I spent a month in Partial which did practically nothing.  A few weeks ago a set of the voices that are intermittent came back, I call them the back 2s.  I think they just may be parts of me I don’t want to acknowledge or can’t or whatever.  But they have been coming and going since.  I’ve been extremely suicidal and self harm urges.  I took apart that razor the other day.  I took 25mg Valium just to stop the pain.  I’ve been trying to blast the voices out with music, reason with them.  Some part of me or the back 2s or whatever you want to call it, REALLY wants to die.  And I’m scared.  This morning I had it all figured out I don’t want to go into it because of giving other peoples ideas but part of it was that I turned off my phone.  This may seem really stupid to a lot of people but when I’m really down I lay down with my phone next to me hoping someone calls/texts/comments on a blog or I check my e-mail and Facebook.  There is still that hope and sometimes I can reach out to others. Not only was I not capable of reaching out to others this morning (busy planning my demise) I made it so they couldn’t help.  My sister thinks that’s dumb because there is the house phone and obviously people live here and all but to me it shows my mindset.

So now I’m scared of myself.  I have an appointment with the therapist on Tuesday and will have her put me in the hospital if I can’t get in to see my case manager tomorrow to have her do it.  Pray I can make it till Tuesday and this part that has some hope can stay in the front because I’m afraid the suicidal part can come out and act quick and it will all be over.


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