I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses. My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts. I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness. Here is the image to go with the challenge:
My mind is going crazy. The voices say nothing will change and that trying to move out will only make matters worse. Haven’t had a chance to talk to my sister she’s just on vacation mode. Had to get up, to quit crying. Now sitting in the dark front room by myself. In the end you only have yourself. So maybe I should end it all now. I don’t like myself and that’s truth to the core. I have people in my life that think I am important to them, or they’d miss me, or whatever. Just sometimes I feel like I can’t escape this fate I have. Here in Mexico, crying in the dark, suffering in silence. Considering just taking some Valium and going to bed. This isn’t how most people spend their vacation, I doubt it.
The topic of suicide is hot on the blogs I follow right now. A fellow blogger posted his opinion in a post and asked for feedback. I gave feedback but still had to think about it. I live chronically suicidal. But try not to bring it up too much unless I’m reaching for help. Even as suicidal as I get, there is always a little bit of ambivalence. Sometimes I am looking for someone to talk me back from the edge. I try to save this for my case manager and will only bring it up if I’m willing to be hospitalized; because it happens sometimes. Sometimes I ask my sister. It’s a strange phenomenon but when suicidal it is hard to see anything good in yourself or your world. Someone I trust reminding me of this really helps. I would never say there has been a time in my live where I 100% wanted to live or I wanted 100% to die. I live on the spectrum. Only in the last year or so have I been leaning more to the live side. Accepting my sexuality was a big thing. Most of the voices being gone has helped. Having a close friendship helped. I think more people are believing in me now. It’s scary but also makes me think maybe I can make something out of this life.
Ive still been sleeping a lot, but not as much as the first two days. Watched an episode on sense8. Wish the Internet worked in my cabana and I could watch it going to bed. Spent some time in the pool. Went to town to a couple tiendas. I’ve been craving sugar like crazy. Am concerned about eating junk and just sleeping. Then next week I’ll be at a conference for NAMI. So another inactive week. tomorrow we’re going to snorkeling. Here’s a pic with a view from the pool.
well only 2 actually. I’m on my 2nd part of Vacation of the two and a half-ish straight weeks of vacation. I’m in Mexico with the whole family +4. Normally I don’t go on family vacations to Mexico, it’s hot and there isn’t much to do where we go. I left Monday at 4:30am after getting back from SF Pride at 9:30pm on Sunday night. I was really emotional after coming back from pride but not really allowed or able to feel the truth of the emotions because I had to get ready for the next trip, pack and get to sleep early. I cut off the tears and just said “not now.” It was probably a real stupid move but the only one I saw at the time. I woke up with nightmares bawling again, this one again was about me and 20 something’s friend and not being able to be friends anymore. Somewhere in the back of my brain is this ticking time bomb theory that the friendship is going to end or that he is really annoyed with me. It’s probably not true but you know my insecurities. It plays out during the evening most times and in nightmares. Both involve a lot of crying and terror. I just keep trying to tell myself I am over reacting. The friendship is good in a lot of ways and what I haven’t had in many other friends with the boundaries, having fun, and being able to be my true self. The only thing I don’t like is I don’t get a lot of feedback that things are going okay or good. Maybe I should just assume that things are good unless it’s mentioned that things are bad. It’s just so hard because growing up you always had to be on edge because things could go from good to bad very quick, so I’m hyper vigilant always looking for some signs, and I just don’t see them in this friendship. I’m also hesitant about what to do when I’m super emotional. I want to be able to go to him but not rely on him, just talk about whatever is bothering me or distracting doing something and not making it about him having to make me feel better.
I’m an introvert by nature and being around people not stop drains me. Therefore after SF Pride I slept for the last two days straight except to eat. It’s annoying my family but they should know this pattern by now. Vacation is going pretty good considering, but I have been sleeping a lot. My tummy is not happy with the food. Today I got a massage and Thursday we are going snorkeling. I also plan on watching some Netflix, sense8 and Orange is the New Black.
Continuing the trend from prior weeks today is a whirlwind of emotions. I don’t like feeling emotions and have long tried to block them till they rushed over the walls I built. Now I feel them to an extent but not truly because then my life would be so insane. I like making people happy and tend to put other people’s needs before my own. This weekend was no different and being with a group of people meant different and competing needs/wants. I wanted no fighting/drama/arguments/stress. There was a little but if I was ever involved I just tried to back down or mediate. There were a few times I was frustrated beyond belief but I think I kept quiet and kept my cool. My lack of ability to read people has me worrying I didn’t do as good as I thought. It was pride. It was important. It was someone’s first and another took time off for work for it. Spending so much time with these two people and not getting much alone time has me thinking about a few things. An opportunity to move out and the person not being a good match because they’re over sensitive too. A planed trip later in the summer, where I wanted to go to Disneyland but am thinking about not because I’m not sure he’d enjoy it and then I know I wouldn’t have fun and it’d be a waste of time. I know I should put forth more effort to do what I want/need but it doesn’t seem important to other people so I drop it. I had moments of peace at pride. I had moments where sadness and emptiness washed over me. I’m reminded I don’t have control how others act towards me. I almost cried once, thank god for sunglasses. Right now I’m just tired and overwhelmed and really hoping my sacrifices were appreciated and if not that, that at least everyone had a good time.
I was surprised to hear about the Supreme Court decision this morning. I don’t keep much up on the news because it’s so triggering. Only after a few friends from group told me about it, did it finally sunk in.
Marriage equality for me is about “normalizing” things. It’s also a chance for everyone that supports it to change their Facebook profile pic to a cooler rainbow striped version. I was surprised by the number of Fb friends that changed their pic. I know some did it cuz it’s trendy. But to me it’s just great that supporting gay marriage is trendy.
I had a real hard time coming to terms with my sexuality. And while I am out, I don’t make it a point to refer to myself as gay. Actually I usually try not to mention in but will admit to it if it comes up. I was raised in a family and society where strong negative connotation and words like “admit” still have a hold on me. Like I’ve committed some kind of crime.
I’m not sure if I want to get married, but I should have the right to, if that’s what I chose. The best thing for me about this decision is the acceptance from the non-LGBT community. Not getting married but being able to say girlfriend or wife with normalcy and less fear of being judged.
I needed to read this today.
Originally posted on A Life Of Mental Illness:
My mental health has been quite stable for several months. I’ve probably come to a point that after 15 years with a diagnosis I know my triggers and problem areas well enough I can avoid these without even thinking about it. I’ve put in enough practice now I have carved out enough of a niche that I don’t really miss things I would have missed five to ten years ago. I have now come to accept that I don’t have to be defined by a career or lack of in my case. In my case a career never really launched but it wasn’t from a lack of trying. In my twenties I had read about those who had schizophrenia, bi-polar, autism spectrum, etc. that went on to have great careers and families. I thought ‘if they can do it, why not me?’ So I tried various job fields but never…
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