30 MIAC Results/Round Up

12 Oct

MIA challenge

In an effort to find the response to those participating in the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge easier to find, I am posting and updating this page to include the links to each day’s results/round up.

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30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I will do a post within about 3 days of the prompt and my response to link to people who participate, please pingback/link to this post or tag 30MIAC.  If you chose to do the prompts later, don’t find the challenge till later, or life happens and you don’t get a prompt answered within the 3 days no worries, if you pingback to this post I will add you to the post that has the links to that prompt.  I will be starting to post my responses to the prompts in October, I am just posting this now so people can brainstorm and spread the word.  You can also start at anytime.  I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

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Resource: Self Esteem

30 Oct

While in the hospital we had a few groups on self-esteem.  This was a fill in the blank type sheet.

  1. I like myself because
  2. I’m an expert at……… scrapbooking and making dessert
  3. I feel good about
  4. My friends would tell you I have a great…….. am very nonjudgmental.
  5. My favorite place is….. Disneyland
  6. I’m loved by….. some family and friend
  7. People say I am a good……. writer
  8. I’ve been told I have pretty…….toes
  9. I consider myself a good…… student
  10. What I enjoy most is….. being with friends and having fun
  11. The person I admire most is
  12. I have a natural talent for…….poetry
  13. Goals for my future are……. school and more independence
  14. I know I will reach my goals because I am…. resilient and stubborn
  15. People compliment me about….. my thoughtfulness
  16. I feel good when I….. give or help others.
  17. I’ve been successful at…… school and surviving
  18. I laugh when I think about….. certain things or certain voices
  19. The traits I admire myself for are:…….. nonjudgmental, generosity, thoughtfulness, and compassion
  20. I feel peaceful when…… sleeeping

Experiencing my fears and insecurities through dreams

30 Oct

While I was in Disneyland I had a weird dream and I wanted to document it in case I forgot, of course I haven’t though.

20 something’s friend has a twin with mental illness just like me.  20 something’s friend loses his job because of his twin and the twin feels really guilty.  Tries to make it into a good thing, 20 something’s friend gets a new job and a meets a boyfriend.  The twin continues to struggle.  The dream takes place in a place with crazy weather and flooding.  20 something’s friend’s relationship with boyfriend is affected by the twin.  He tries to be there for both of them, but it’s exhausting.  Twin ends up coming out of a psychotic episode and 20 something’s friend and his boyfriend are now married.  Twin asks how long he was in this episode and gets vague answers from 2-6 months.  Twin is still really struggling and sad because so much has changed in that time and he is just “expected” to figure it out.  The storms keep on happening and everyone knows what to do but twin; it’s been storming all the time he was in the hospital.  20 something’s friend again feels torn between twin and now husband.  Husband is super understanding and cool with it.  Which makes twin feel even worse and guilty.  Twin keeps messing things up.  Eventually twin runs away for everyone’s good.  There were other people in the dream but they didn’t have many interactions.

Med and general update

29 Oct

I’m having a little more energy but the depression is lingering. My inpatient psychiatrist was sort of perplexed with what to do with me, he sees me as running out of options too. Which only good side is that it isn’t just my regular psychiatrist that thinks this. He added two new Meds, ones suppose to help with energy it is or I’m just a little more energy after resting in the hospital. My psychiatrist will probably take me off the new Meds, but sometimes he surprises me. I guess we’ll see. Right now I’m just trying to keep going despite the depression and allowing myself to rest but not too much. That’s always hard… I want to go go go go go or lay in bed all day. Today was counseling interesting. We talked about the sensory disorder and she mentioned something about aspergers. She thinks a lot of issues are from my moms drinking problem. I don’t know cuz I have few memories and no real emotional connection to it. I’ll have to think about it some more I guess.

I’m pretty fucking amazing

27 Oct

And I’m not even manic.  Even though I struggle hard core with things I would never wish upon anyone I still manage to keep a together enough life.  I have a social life, I do well in school, I’m attempting to date/develop intimate relationships, I am still on good terms with my family… I am somewhat successfully balancing all those things along with serious mental illnesses.  I get frustrated a lot because I’m not where I “should” be in life, especially when comparing myself to others and knowing how mental illness has effected my potential.  In this moment I’m feeling real proud of myself.  I wish I could bottle this, because sadly I know it won’t last.

Mostly pumpkins

25 Oct





























Disneyland-Mickey’s Halloween Party

25 Oct

Some photos













The Discharge paperwork Update

23 Oct

discharge paperwork

Here is a scan of part of my discharge paperwork packet.  Some interesting and new things.  My doctor uses SAD do SchizoAffective Disorder so that’s not social anxiety disorder or seasonal affective disorder, I was in a depressed episode.  BPD- Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD, for which this is the first time I’ve seen an official diagnosis on paper although I am told continually I deal with trauma.  These are under Psychiatric.  Under medial it says Hyper… which is high cholesterol, ulcerative colitis, h/o GERD, and sensory d/o.   The Sensory d/o is a new diagnosis for me as well and I thought that it was a psychiatric diagnosis in kids with developmental delays.  I’ve done some researching since I’ve been home and the full name is sensory processing disorder and there’s a debate if it’s psychiatric or medical.  So I don’t know if I’m reading the terrible handwriting wrong or that’s what it says.  I have long had “sensory issues” as I like to call them, but looking it up I see clumsiness, lack of coordination, and even motion sickness can be related.  Under stressors it says Chr. Mental illness, yeah duh that’s been pretty stressful.  My inpatient psychiatrist was baffled that nothing seemed to cause this episode, maybe that’s why he put it on there.


This is a list of my medication and it is very cramped and hard to read so I’ll translate.  He also put in parentheses next to each medication what it was for, he’s never done that before.  Maprotiline 100mg (mood), Vilazodone/Viibryd 10mg transitioning to 40mg (mood), Desipramine 250mg (mood),  Latuda 80mg (psychosis)  Lamotrogine/Lamictal 400mg (mood), Prazosin 4mg (mood), Prevestatin 10mg (Hyper… aka high cholesterol); Lialda 2.4g (colitis), Necon/Birth control (contraceptive), Valium 5mg PRN for anxiety.  The two new meds are Maprotiline and Viibryd, both antidepressants though my inpatient psychiatrist kept calling Maprotiline a stimulant.  Maprotiline is a tetracyclic kind of like my tricyclic Desipramine that I already take, although he upped the dose of that by 50mg.  Viibry is a new SSRI.

Don’t let the thoughts control you

22 Oct

I haven’t yet got around to doing a summary or update from when I was in the hospital, but I will get to it soon.  Today I am over-analyzing/worrying/stressing about a couple of things.

The main thing is whether my psychiatrist will keep me, or better yet allow me, to stay on the meds that were added in the hospital.  He thinks meds don’t really work for me other than a placebo effect for a small window of time.  I feel a little better since Sunday but now I got that self-doubt (along with constantly reinforced invalidation) and thinking this is all in my head or worse yet it’s working but my psychiatrist will take me off it because he thinks it’s all in my head.  I have enough meds for a month so I know I shouldn’t be worrying, but it will be one appointment that will make the decision.  I don’t want to be on tons of meds, but I have to be able to function.  Before I was just barely getting by, now it’s not much better than that but a little.

Another thing is the Disneyland trip I’m taking this weekend and stressing about having fun even though I may not be able to be in control the whole time.  I just gotta tell myself that I need to have fun, this vacation was my idea and to celebrate my accomplishments and birthday.

The last is with my 20 something’s group.  Facilitator elections are coming up and I’ve been going back and forth on whether to run or not.  We don’t really have enough people to run so there’s pressure there.  I like group and would probably enjoy facilitating but my mental status is so unstable right now and I want to try to make the decision when I am as clear headed as possible.

Hopefully by writing this out it will stop circling around in my head.

Quick update 10/21/14

21 Oct

Just got back from an inpatient stay more to come soon….  Gotta catch up with some stuff first.

Protected: Dangerous Combination

13 Oct

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